There’s only one topic at the school gates right now: the dangers of smartphones. Parents of teenagers have been worried about that sliver of metal in their children’s pockets for a while now. But the screening of Netflix’s hit show Adolescence has upped the anti.
You don’t need me to share the plot. But for any parent who has been hiding under a stone for the past few weeks, the show centres on a 13-year-old schoolboy named Jamie Miller who is arrested for the murder of a female classmate.
The danger of smartphone addiction is just one of the themes I’ve tackled in my latest book on adolescent mental health The Gift of Teenagers: Connect More, Worry Less. What then can us panicked parents do?
There are practical strategies, like teaching teenagers to put their phones on silent, switching off notifications, and banning phones at family meals. But you know this stuff already. To really deal with smartphone addiction, I think we have to go deeper.
We need to understand that a major lure of phones for teenagers is the promise of connection with their own peer group. At this time in a young person’s life, we parents are no longer the all-powerful Gods we once were. Jung called it 'individuation', or the process by which youngsters gain a clearer sense of themselves as individuals, separate from the family unit.
Us parents need to be mindful of these developmental changes. Despite their transition to greater independence, our relationship with our teenagers still matters. Although it may not always be obvious, teenagers want to connect with their parents, just as much as we parents want connection with them. A teenager’s natural tendency towards independence and increasing interest in their peer group doesn’t mean that we parents should stop wanting to feel close to them. They still need our love, support, and (dare I say it) occasional word of wisdom.
So, stay connected. We need to make more effort with our youngsters. The idea is to prioritise quality moments. By that, I mean focussed and meaningful engagement. This doesn’t mean scheduling rigid, 'tell me about all your teenage problems' time together. In fact, quality time can be found in many of the everyday activities which families already do – like sharing meals or car journeys, when you might all agree to switch off your phones.
Can you as a parent curb your own phone addiction? Is it possible for you to switch your smartphone off and get that screentime count down into the minutes, rather than hours? Young people tend to mimic what we do, not what we say, after all.
In practical terms, we don’t necessarily need to increase the time spent with our children (time we may not feel we have) but to give greater, phone-free focus when we are with them. It’s easy to be physically present but mentally switched off, especially if we feel tired and fancy a scroll ourselves. One teenager told me she wanted to be a mobile phone, so her mum would pay her some attention.
Finally, work with our teenagers, rather than against them. A question you could ask, for example, is 'How does social media make you feel?' This allows your teenager to give their own answer, without suggesting that you’re judging them. You could also ask why they’re drawn to social media in the first place. Is something else going on? Are they anxious, or being bullied, or looking to social media for answers about something? Does it feel like they really are connecting with others, or more like they’re performing? And are they viewing the filtered experience of others instead of actively living life? They will like the fact you are appealing to their powers of critical thinking, rather than telling them what to do. The likelihood is that the answers may reveal a lot more than you expected – and prompt some helpful self-reflection along the way.
The Gift of Teenagers: Connect More, Worry Less by Rachel Kelly is published by Short Books, RRP. £16.99