We’ve all done it: scanned the room of a new toddler group or the school gates at the start of term, looking for mums we reckon we’d click with, saying to our little ones, ‘Go and play with those kids, you know, the ones near that lady with the cool haircut and jeans I really like.’
Before you know it, the WhatsApp class chat has broken off into splinter groups based on a shared sense of humour and who can help with some childminding every other Tuesday, regardless of who the kids are actually hanging out with in the playground.
I’m totally guilty of steering my kids (seven and 10) towards the offspring of parents I want to be friends with. Party invites and playdates are selected based on which parents I gel with – I need the tedium of two hours at the trampoline park or yet another birthday party to be lifted with gossip, in-jokes and real conversations with grown-ups on my wavelength.
Because finding your ‘mum tribe’ via your kids makes sense. The kids are probably mini versions of their parents, so if I like the parent then surely my child will get on with their child, right?
I admit that my youngest talks fondly of several classmates of which I have no idea who the parents are. Do I feel bad about not making any effort to get to know them? A bit – it’s a mix of being a bit lazy and socially inept (I’m rubbish at small talk) but mainly the fact that I just don’t have anything left in my social battery for more friends. Aligning my children’s friendship groups with a few of my own is a fine example of social multitasking in my book.
A straw poll of mum friends reveals I’m not alone. ‘When the kids were smaller, their social circle was definitely influenced by who I wanted to hang out with,’ admits Amy*. ‘It was my one chance to be with other grown-ups that day, so it needed to be good!’.
Naomi* is another friendship curator saying, ‘For me, playdates aren't just about the kids – building connections and spending time with the parents matters too. My children (8 and 4) play far more often with families I already know than with their school friends. I'd never say no to a playdate with their classmates, but if I don't want to spend time with the parents it needs to be a ‘drop and go’.’
For many, this is the result of too many painful playdates (that’s painful for the parents, not the kids). ‘I’ve had instances where it’s been like pulling teeth to try and keep a conversation going,’ says Jools*. ‘It’s harder now they’re school age and no longer toddlers – now they run off and leave you alone to chat!’
Leah* avoids awkward encounters altogether by having her boys socialise almost exclusively with their old nursery friends so she can hang-out with the like-minded mums she’s known for years. ‘I’m sure they would rather have a playdate with friends from school but it’s so much easier and nicer when you get on with the parents too,’ she explains.
Finding new mates as an adult is hard, so using our children as social icebreakers to help us make and maintain friendships is natural for many of us.
‘When children are little we steer their friendships because their aims and drives are more flexible. It’s very easy for us to choose other parents we like and get our kids together with their kids,’ says Rachel Melville-Thomas, a child and adolescent psychotherapist and spokesperson for the Association of Child Psychotherapists. ‘Even then, we’re beginning the process of training our child to recognise their tribe.’
But parents need to know when to loosen their grip on the friendship reins. ‘Around the age of six or seven and onwards, children are developing a much keener sense of relationships and what that means. Psychologically, they’re learning how to read other people. They’re sorting and filtering things, and asking, "Who do I want to be with?". That’s really something that parents shouldn’t interfere with.’
Psychotherapist Dr Elena Touroni, co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, agrees that we should step back once our children start choosing friends based on shared interests and personality. ‘Let them navigate friendships independently while you take on a more supportive, advisory role. Guide them by discussing what makes a good friend and how to handle conflicts without imposing your choices, and encourage open dialogue so they know they can come to you if they face issues,’ she advises.
If we find this shift tricky, Melville-Thomas assures us that picking our child’s friends based on their parents isn’t always a bad thing – it’s all part of our desire to belong to a tribe – however, ‘it really narrows their social awareness and ability to adapt to difference. [The flipside of being tribal] is the more harmful practice of ‘othering’. When we see people as ‘other’ and different from us, we may view them more cautiously or even suspiciously.’
*Gulp*. Truth is, I’d be horrified if my friendship ‘management’ led to my child developing any kind of prejudices and Mean Girl tendencies, shunning other kids who are different and new.
I should probably be more like my friend (and clearly much better human than me) Kat*, who always takes her kids’ lead on playdates and parties. ‘But I definitely suffer a couple of parents due to their preferences,’ she admits. ‘There’s one opinionated mum I particularly don’t like, which is rare for me. But if my child wants a playdate with their child, I’ll invite them both over. I’d never have her on her own though, it’s only ever in a group playdate situation.’ (This tactic is also recommended by Melville-Thomas).
It's also inevitable that in years to come our children will influence our ‘mum friend’ circles again, but in a different way. Mothers of teenagers shared stories of once tight-knit besties drifting apart and leaving parents in the lurch. ‘My girls had a close friend throughout primary school, but once they started secondary school they stopped hanging out because they just became different people,’ says Emma*. ‘I was really good friends with the mum but now our paths never cross. Without the kids binding you together, parent friendships can lapse.’
Stepping down as curator of your child’s social circle will be tough for some of us, but Dr Touroni recommends focusing on the bigger picture: ‘Trust that the skills they gain from navigating friendships independently—like empathy, communication, and conflict resolution—will serve them for life.’
*Names have been changed