I’m going to start this piece with one very clear, non-negotiable statement, just in case you don’t get to the end: Don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Ever.
The fact that this even needs to be said, anywhere in 2021 is infuriating and mind-boggling in equal measure, but if the current probe of the state of Paris Hilton’s womb is anything to go by, the pregnancy question is still a long way from cultural opprobrium.
The rumours started with a New York Post Page Six piece on Tuesday announcing Paris’ ‘alleged pregnancy’ citing ‘an anonymous source’. The story was accompanied online with an image of Paris standing slightly to the side captioned ‘Paris Hilton and Carter Reum, seen here in July 2021, are going to be parents.’ The fact that Paris hadn’t confirmed the story was apparently not relevant, nor was her generous admission earlier in the year that she and her husband were going through fertility support. Now I have no idea about Paris’ reproductive system, whether she has wanted a baby for a while, whether she’s doing IVF for gender selection, if she’s had miscarriages, if she or her partner have genetic factors to consider. That’s because it’s none of my bloody business. But what is all of our business is the fact that it’s deemed acceptable for any media outlet to compel any woman to deny or admit whether they’re pregnant.
That question is always, without exception inappropriate, ill-mannered and often actively unkind.
Addressing the story on her podcast this week, Paris categorically contradicted the story. “I don’t know how this rumour started. Now they have a ‘very reliable source’ that says Paris Hilton is pregnant. People always make up rumours. I’m very used to it at this point being in the industry for as long as I have.” As sanguine as she appeared, Paris also explained that, “all of her five iPhones” blew up with well-wishers after the splash. While again, I have no knowledge of her fertility history, let’s conceptually imagine that she’d been trying to get pregnant for ages, but hadn’t been able to like the 60% of women who struggle to conceive at 40. Or she’s lost one or more babies. Could you imagine what it would feel like to have everyone you know congratulating you for a baby that you have longed for down to your marrow, but has never arrived? Or a baby or babies that have died? Because that’s what this is, or else that’s what it could be every time you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
That question is always, without exception inappropriate, ill-mannered and often actively unkind. And yet we keep asking. We also legally allow newspapers and magazines to announce our news or non-news and we continue to accept that a couple’s ability or inability (often more accurately a woman’s ability or inability) to produce an heir is legitimate tabloid fodder.
Being real here, it’s not like I’ve never looked at a picture of a woman and thought, maybes she’s expecting. It’s not like I’ve never gone to a party and noticed that early softness in a friend’s tummy or that imperceptible sixth sense buzz that seems to be triggered by a newly pregnant woman. It’s not like I’ve never seen that green tinge of morning sickness written all across a colleague’s face. Pregnancy isn’t always subtle—on a personal level, I looked six months pregnant before my first scan and first got offered a seat on the tube at 10 weeks.
But I never mention my hunches, because there is absolutely no positive outcome. If you have to ask, then there’s the chance said woman isn’t actually pregnant. So, what she will take from your inquiry is that you think she looks pregnant, which isn’t on the list of body goals for the vast majority of non-up-the-duff women. If she is pregnant, there’s always the chance that she doesn’t want to be and might not want to continue with the pregnancy which is her right to decide in privacy with total respect. Or else perhaps she is desperate to keep her pregnancy under wraps because she doesn’t want to have to deal with the fallout if she miscarries. Perhaps she’s very anxious and is struggling to come to terms mentally with the preganancy. What if she looks pregnant because she’s on IVF drugs and her belly has become rounded by the hormones, she’s injecting every day in the huge undertaking that so many make on the journey to parenthood? Maybe she is pregnant but knows she will lose her job if it’s obvious, like the one in nine women forced out of their careers when they disclose their pregnancy. What do you think you telling her you can tell she’s pregnant is going to do to her headspace in that circumstance? Or maybe she was pregnant last week, but she’s not anymore. Maybe her heart is screaming in despair, and you’ve just reminded her of that bottomless pain.
So why ask? If these are the potential consequences, why ever let those words pass your lips? No-one is going to give you a gold star for your 'Aha!' moment, even if you are right. Some people seem to see themselves as first trimester Cassandras and take validation from either uncovering a secret or being the clairvoyant ‘one that always knew.’ But there is no prize or social status from guessing correctly that a woman’s belly is a) Burger King or b) Baby. It is a question with no wins for anyone.
Seeking confirmation of such an invasive question should be as socially offensive as asking the balance of someone’s bank account or what they voted in the last election, both of which we would all agree are well in the realms of personal privacy. The fact that we are currently cycling through moral outrage at the way young women including Britney, Lindsey and yes, Paris, were treated by the press in the noughties, then using the exact same tactics to delve into their personal lives and biology in their 40s as mothers or potential mothers, shows how little has changed when it comes to women and misogyny in the media. But it’s not just the papers – with regards to pregnancy, Page Six is only a mirror on the daily barrage of questions that women feel compelled to answer. Time should be well up on this one.
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