Reading about singer Ellie Goulding’s decision not to share pictures of her six month old son, Arthur, reminded me how I had felt when our first child, now 12, was born.
Last week, Ellie posted a photo on Instagram with her son, who was wearing a hat and with his back to the camera so his face was not visible, ahead of the COP26 summit. She wrote: 'Heading up to Cop26 today. Our future generations shouldn’t have to inherit a broken planet because we didn’t take the opportunity to fix it when we had it! LETS GO!’
Afterwards she said on an Instagram story to her 14.1 million followers: 'I was particularly nervous to post a picture of my son, even just the back of his head, because I have chosen not to expose him to the world on social media. I feel quite strongly about this (I believe it is his decision when he is older!) I have had people try to take photos of him now and then (really!) and I have politely asked if they could not.’
I’m not a celebrity like Goulding but I do remember feeling similarly reticent about sharing photos of my son on social media when I became a mother. The first picture posted of him was by a proud family member, who hadn’t thought to ask for consent before posting, which I found upsetting at the time.
But seeing other friends post pictures of their adorable offspring soon made me think I was probably being overcautious. I was also aware, growing up as I did in the 1980s, that I had very few good pictures of my own childhood and most of the ones I did have vanished into the ether after my mum died when I was in my 20s. I didn’t want the same thing to happen with my children.
The advent of smart phones and social media became a way to document their childhoods and those little landmarks, from losing their first tooth to their first day at school. When we moved out of London when our first child was a baby, it was a way of keeping in touch with friends and family.
I always kept my Facebook account private but when my youngest, now seven, was born, I joined Instagram and started doing some blogging about motherhood where sharing pictures of your children is de rigueur. The rise of so-called ‘mummy blogging’ became not only a way to share your child’s milestones, but to build a career through creating content that fellow parents would find relatable, funny or useful. I then began writing about parenting for national newspapers and editors almost always expected family pictures to run alongside my features. To counter this, I’ve always written in my maiden name in order to keep my children’s surname private, and I’ve made my Instagram account private too.
When I spoke to other parents for their views on the share or not to share debate, I found them to be mixed on the issues of privacy and consent.
Tori Murie, mum to a nine month old baby, said being pregnant during the pandemic was very lonely at times. ‘The only contact I had with other parents were online groups and, as I work full time, I don’t get chance to go to baby groups. I’ve connected with lots of people online though and am now a moderator on one parenting group. It’s been a very positive experience for me.’
Vyki Sparkes, founder of the Museum Mum blog, has said however she has learned to create boundaries over time: ‘I've learned through trial and error and also through observing how others use social media, as well as considering issues of consent, which are often raised in the 'mumfluencer' sphere. I'm clear about the purpose of my blog - it's to help parents find great cultural days out. It's not a lifestyle blog, so while I might occasionally share things about my day to day life, it is not a warts and all account of our family life,’ she says.
Sparkes has put in rules over time, from not using her children’s names online, sharing any details about their school, health issues or anything overtly personal, such as one of them having a meltdown.
‘I also avoid semi nudity. I would never show a photo of them in the bath, and they wear neck to knee swimwear, for SPF protection mainly, plus more privacy if we decide to have a day out at a beach or play fountain,’ Sparkes says.
Louise Peacock, a mum of two and family photographer, says many of her clients are now wary about sharing pictures of their kids on social media. ‘Even when I explain that I won't name the child or identify them in any way, lots of parents are anxious about putting their kids' pictures online,’ she says. ‘One mum told me recently it's because she'd made a pact with her husband that they wouldn't display their son's life online “for all to goggle at”; she just wanted to keep his upbringing private and away from social media until he's old enough himself to do it.’
Lecturer and mum of two Lily Canter agrees: ‘From the outset my husband and I agreed not to share any pics on social media (including newborn snaps) and we don't allow their school or clubs to take photos of them. We feel they are too young (six and nine) to make an informed choice about whether they want to or not and it's an invasion of their privacy.’
Dr Helen Ringrow, senior lecturer in communication studies at the University of Portsmouth, says keeping a digital footprint of your children’s lives can have a both a negative and positive impact, but that social media has been a lifeline for many families during the pandemic. ‘Of course there is a risk to sharing images and personal data online and we don’t know how that data will be used in the years to come, but that has to be set against the benefits of connecting and communicating with like-minded people.’ Social media and posting pictures online would have been “inconceivable,” to previous generations but it’s now very much part of our day to day lives, Dr Ringrow says.
Emily Down who runs a blog for single parents called popgoesperfection.co.uk says Instagram has been a brilliant way of connecting with parents in a similar situation to her. ‘I became a single mum in 2019 and knew hardly any other women in the same position. Sharing my pictures and stories about my family life on Instagram helped me connect with other single parents and, to use a cliché, “find my tribe”. Now I feel as if I have an extra support network which I’ve benefitted hugely from.’