‘It’s OK Not To Enjoy Every Moment Of Motherhood’

The moment you share that you’re pregnant, the opinions, warnings, and demands for gratitude start immediately, and from every source – family, friends, social media, advertisements, and more.

I got pregnant, gave birth, and became a parent while writing and promoting my book Toxic Positivity. Meanwhile, like many people growing a human, I engaged in my fair share of complaining about the nausea, aches, and ever-stretching skin. And after my baby was born, I complained about the sleepless nights, an ever-changing postpartum body, and my new identity.

It was then that I started to notice something interesting was happening. Some people became wildly uncomfortable when I complained about anything to do with pregnancy, birth, or raising a child. They would use toxic positivity to try and make me realise I wasn’t being “grateful,” they encouraged me to look on the bright side, or to end the conversation entirely.

Here are some classic toxic positivity statements I’ve received:

“Enjoy every minute!”

“Just wait. You’ll want this time back.”

“Isn’t it so wonderful?”

“Be grateful you are able to have children.”

“Every child is a gift.”

“There are so many people out there that would want to be in your shoes.”

“Pregnancy is always such a magical time.”

I can honestly say I was grateful every day for my healthy pregnancy, and I am so grateful for my child’s life but, gosh, on those days where I was slumped over a toilet for hours or trying to hold back vomit it was so hard. After countless sleepless nights consoling a screaming infant, I thought I might punch the next person who told me to “enjoy it!” The multitude of conflicting emotions and hormones I was experiencing made it so hard to only show gratitude, happiness and positivity, like everyone seemed to want.

Becoming a parent has taught me a very important lesson that no one wants to admit: you will not enjoy every minute of growing or raising a tiny humanand you’re not supposed to. You will love some parts, tolerate others, and some of it you will do simply because you have to.

It feels hard because pregnancy and parenting are extremely difficult; add the pressure of social media and a pandemic into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. Most parents are raising children in isolation, without the support of a village, and the stakes have never been higher. We are expected to provide children with everything they need to thrive physically, academically, socially, and emotionally, all the while wearing a smile. The pressure to appear constantly grateful and happy is even greater for parents who adopt or use methods like IVF. If you put effort into conceiving, use medical intervention, or choose to adopt, you’re consistently reminded that you “chose this”. With rates of postpartum anxiety and depression on the rise, it’s clear that parents need support and the conversation around child rearing needs to evolve and expand.

The pressure to be positive and happy all the time forces parents to conceal their struggles and to isolate out of shame and fear that no one will understand, or they will be judged for their feelings. We’re convinced that if we do enough research, buy all the right gadgets, or get enough help, we won’t struggle. This leads us to believe that if we do feel lonely, depressed, or grieve our old life, we must be doing something wrong. There’s a constant demand for gratitude and smiles. If you choose to pull back the curtain and be a little honest, you are often chastised for “not loving your child” or “being negative.” It’s an absolutely impossible standard to live up to and leaves parents suffering in isolation.

Anyone that tells you parenting is always amazing, that they have never struggled with their physical or mental health, that their marriage is perfect after having a child, or that they wouldn't change a thing, is likely not being honest with themselves or others. I know no one is posting those 3am wakeup calls and it makes sense when they would opt for a photo of their smiling baby instead. We don’t have to share everything hard about parenting, but we do have to remember that when people choose to only share the good, the bad and the neutral still exist.

It’s so easy to look back on your parenting journey as an older adult with perspective and see everything through rose colored glasses. But, remember, the people who are in it now don’t have that perspective and they don’t have the gift of time wearing away memories. Instead of demanding smiles, gratitude, and positivity, here is what we can start doing for people who are pregnant and parenting:

-Let them vent without forcing gratitude.

-Don’t use the fact that other people can’t get pregnant as a way to bring people down to earth. It doesn’t make this hurt any less.

-Validate how they're feeling and know that they are just going through a moment. “Wow, that does sound painful” works really well.

-Just show up and be supportive. Drop off a meal, send a text, or offer to do the laundry.

-Remember that every single pregnancy is different. What may have been magical for you or someone you know is utterly excruciating for someone else.

Having a child will shine a light on everything in you that needs to be seen and it will help you experience the most indescribable joy you have ever felt. There is no pain like consoling an infant when you haven't slept in days and there is no joy like hearing your baby laugh for the first time. Parenthood is the ultimate conflict of emotions and it’s OK to admit that. It’s OK if you didn’t love the baby stage and you're excelling with your toddler. It’s OK if playing pretend for the thousandth time this week isn't bringing you the immense joy everyone told you it would. You’re not ungrateful. You love your child. It all makes sense.

Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy by Whitney Goodman published by Orion Spring 27th January 2022 available in Trade Paperback, ebook and audio