A few weeks after the country went into lockdown for the first time, I started my maternity leave. By this stage I was already working from home because no one was quite sure what the impact of covid would be for pregnant women. I assumed I would be going back into the office before heading off for 10 months - instead I was housebound and have been pretty much consistently ever since. I didn't get to say goodbye to my old work life, I missed out on a big fuss (which I of course secretly really wanted) and I ended up signing off at home by simply closing my laptop.
Fast forward 10 months and I am getting ready to go back to work. But I won't physically be going back to work, I'll just be opening my laptop again - starting a new work life, navigating being a working mum for the first time without the physical support of my colleagues. It will once again be my husband taking on every moan, tear and shout as covid continues to ravage the country.
As I look back over the last year, I can't help but mourn my maternity leave - the mat leave that could have been.
I started thinking about my 10 months off pretty much as soon as I got pregnant. It's not often in life you can take such a break from work and know your job is secure and, as everyone kept telling me, it wouldn't be the same the second time round. I had plans to take my son swimming, to go to baby groups, for endless coffee and cake with a babyccino, to visit friends on their lunch breaks, for days out with my mum, the list goes on.
The reality has been starkly different. My son has spent more of his life in lockdown than not. He has only met a handful of my friends and family, and been held by even less. He hasn't even met my brother who lives in Canada.
At first, we barely noticed the lockdown as we got lost in the new baby bubble, which was even more intense because we were on our own. Our families couldn't meet him for over a month and even then, it was just outside.
As the days wore on and covid showed no signs of slowing I saw my dream mat leave slip through my fingers.
I have embraced contact naps. He is the only human I have been allowed to touch, apart from my husband and I need it.
I haven't been able to parade my newborn son around the office, which is pretty much a rite of passage as a parent.
He has been to one baby group that briefly opened when the rules relaxed slightly in the autumn, he has never been in a pool and he's sat in a cafe just a couple of times.
Instead, our days have been spent walking around the same park, over and over again. My husband has basically become a part time clown in an attempt to keep him entertained, while I spend every day trying to make his toy collection seem endlessly exciting. I walk from room to room just to mix things up a bit for him, knowing full well that in ‘real life’ he would be experiencing new things every day.
In normal times I probably would have been stricter with his naps but instead I have embraced contact naps. He is the only human I have been allowed to touch, apart from my husband, for almost a year and I need it.
I have tried to make the most of it by doing online classes (pretty tricky with a baby), by meeting local friends (usually just one depending on the rules at the time) and seeing my mum when the under-one support bubble was introduced.
I go through stages worrying about if it will affect my son, if the lack of contact from strangers will have a lasting impact. My husband and I have never left him and while I was never planning to do anything drastic like go away without him, I am sure I would have dropped him at my mum’s for an afternoon while I went to get my hair done or something.
I don’t get a day off or even an afternoon off. When my husband looks after him it’s not like there is anywhere to go - so having a bath has become my go to ‘me time’.
When I say it out loud these things seem trivial, I should just be thankful I have a healthy son and family. I know others have lost so much during this awful time but I can’t help but feel bereft about my maternity leave. Not being able to take your child to soft play really is the icing on the cake after being forced to raise them without ‘the village’ that is supposedly needed.
People keep asking me, ‘Would you have a child again during a pandemic?’. The honest answer is I don’t know. Covid has robbed me of so much but the biggest joy imaginable - my lockdown baby - came into my life at the same time and for that, I will be eternally grateful.
For more parenting content from Grazia, follow our Instagram community, The Juggle
READ MORE: I Gave Birth Alone Because Of Covid
READ MORE: 'Intrusive Thoughts During Motherhood Made Me Feel Like I Couldn’t Trust Anyone With My Baby'