It feels like only yesterday he was a sweet little boy, wrapping his arms around you tenderly asking for another cuddle. Then what feels like overnight, he’s a prickly tween spouting ‘facts’ he’s picked up at school or from a social media ‘manfluencer’. Oh, the fear.
No matter how we are raising them to be at home, how much effort we put into making them kind, empathetic boys, toxic masculinity is always lurking outside waiting to bully them into submission. So how do we push back? Start with teaching them about the ‘man box’.
What exactly is the 'Man Box'?
The Man Box describes a rigid set of rules or codes about what it means to be a man. The theory dates back to a programme created by US activist Paul Kivel in the 1970s. Kivel is a founder of the Oakland Men’s Project and I interviewed him for my book, Raising Boys Who Do Better. Kivel told me about the workshops he’d lead with young men and boys where they’d engage in an exercise called ‘Act Like a Man Box’.
First, he would draw a box on a piece of paper and ask the boys to write inside the box any qualities that represent traditional masculinity. Immediately, even young boys could identify traits that are supposedly manly: ‘strong’, ‘brave’, ‘heroic’, ‘leader’, ‘provider’, ‘self-sufficient’, they’d write. Next, he would ask them to write down words that are often used to describe boys that don’t fit inside that box. Again, the boys were quick to identify words like ‘weak, ‘feeble, ‘sissy, ‘girly or ‘gay. Kivel and his team would use the exercise to explore how traditional masculinity can box people in and lead to harmful outcomes like sexism and homophobia. They would also discuss the benefits of expressing maleness more freely by living outside the box.
The Man Box is now used by gender equity campaigners to examine masculine identity in the modern age. I like the term because its a really handy way to talk about masculinity with your boy in a way they’ll easily understand.
More than that, it avoids you having to lead with the phrase ‘toxic masculinity’, which can provoke a knee-jerk reaction for some boys (and indeed, men). Although the phrase itself doesn’t mean that all males are toxic, sometimes the negative associations can shut down a conversation before it’s even begun. However, when you talk about the Man Box, there’s a clear distinction between the personal and the systemic. It becomes easier for a boy to visualise traditional masculinity as a construct. Try Paul Kivel’s exercise of drawing the Man Box on a page and asking your boy what fits inside and what doesn’t and why. It can get him thinking critically about who made up these rules and why they might need challenging.
Learning about the Man Box can also give him a new perspective on how male identity is formed (and performed). When you’re reading a book or watching a TV show, you can apply the Man Box exercise to see if your boy can notice how these ideas are everywhere — from superhero movies to fairytales. Ask questions like, ‘Is this character stuck inside the Man Box?’, ‘How might things be different for them if they dared to step outside it?’ You can also discuss why so many of us might feel boxed into our identities, expanding into the Girl Box or the Race Box for example. What would the world look like if more of us were free to be our fullest selves?
Traditional masculinity puts an emphasis on being super strong, muscular, tall and, to some extent, hairy. Boys who don’t fit that mould can feel inadequate. In Raising Boys Who Do Better, I referred to studies that show kids as young as three years old having body image issues. When you use the Man Box to explore body image, you can teach your boy to embrace body diversity. Look for alternative models of beauty and vitality, from everyday people to Paralympic athletes. Help him see that there’s nothing wrong with looking different, that indeed your difference can be your superpower.
When they’re old enough, the ‘Man Box’ exercise also provides a useful way to talk about male violence.
When they’re old enough, the ‘Man Box’ exercise also provides a useful way to talk about male violence. Research from the American Psychological Association in 2018 revealed that boys who adhere most strictly to Man Box codes are also more likely to act violently against others or themselves. With worrying statistics around male suicide (while more women experience suicidal ideation and attempt suivide, more men die by suicide because their methods are more violent – making it less likely for life-saving intervention) and the ever-present threat of male violence across society, talking about this with boys from an early age is not only necessary, it’s urgent. I like to picture the Man Box as a type of cage and to get a boy thinking about how a caged animal reacts when they feel frightened or under attack. Talk about safer and healthier ways to release all that pent-up energy, for instance through sports. You can also discuss why men and boys outside the Man Box find it easier to use their words instead of their fists.
One reason violence is so prevalent in a patriarchal society is that anger is the only emotion males are encouraged to express. Man Box codes dictate that softer qualities like care, empathy and vulnerability are a sign of weakness. Boys and men are told to ‘man up’ and ‘stop acting like a girl’. In many cultures, sons are discouraged from growing too close to their mums for fear of making them ‘mama’s boys’. However, studies have shown that boys who grow up with healthy and secure attachments to their mothers do better all round, from education and work to relationships and mental health.
Boys and men are happier when they can lean into their tender natures, without fear of being emasculated. So, talk to your boy about how to break down those Man Box walls in himself and those around him. Encourage him to hug and tickle and weep and laugh and love however he wants. Raise your boy to care out loud. Raise him to embrace all shades and textures of his inner world.
Uju Asika is the author of three books including Raising Boys Who Do Better: A Hopeful Guide for a New Generation, available in all good bookshops. Follow her @babesabouttown
