While most of my girlfriends are still reeling from the shock of that early demise, I’ve been stupefied by another And Just Like That storyline: Miranda and Steve’s teenage son, Brady, having sex unapologetically right under their nose. Never mind PDA. Brady and his girlfriend practise blatant IDA - Intrusive Displays of Affection – and my heart goes out to Miranda as she has to endure the horror of stepping on Brady’s used condom (while barefoot, no less) as well as listen to the young couple’s rhythmic banging against her bedroom wall.
With two teenage sons aged 15 and 13, I feel light years away from Miranda’s situation but, of course, one look at the statistics and I can see I am blinded by parental ignorance. In the latest National Survey of Sexual Attitudes, researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine looked at the responses of nearly 3,000 young people who had completed the survey between 2010 and 2012. Most had had sex by the time they were 18, half had done it by the time they were turning 17 and nearly a third had sex before turning 16. Before 16!
A more recent University College London study in 2019 of 11,000 children offers a little more comfort as it showed that fewer than one in 30 14-year-olds in the UK have had sexual intercourse or oral sex. Fifty eight per cent, however, had engaged in activity that was ‘light’ (handholding, kissing and cuddling), 7.5% in ‘moderate’ activity (touching and fondling under clothes) and 3.2 per cent in ‘heavy’ (oral sex or sex).
So, given that sexual activity is happening or on the cusp of happening, how do we navigate this period as parents? Miranda’s laissez faire approach to Brady seems far too permissive for my liking - but what is the right stance?
‘Teens now live in a whole different world than we did,’ explains Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, psychologist, family therapist and founder of The Village, an online parenting community empowered by experts. ‘With early exposure to the internet, whether Netflix or porn, children are constantly observing sexual messages and learning false realities before they have a chance to independently develop sexual context. In the past, parents didn't tend to talk with their children about sex and the educational system focused on the physiological aspect of sex - contraception or STDs - as it still does now to an extent. So, parents should talk with their teens - and even pre-teens - about sex and encourage a healthy understanding of the two. It is about being open to discussing sex at home, so that the internet is not the only place for them to learn about it.’
Talking about sex I can do; it’s something I’ve done already. But what about when they start bringing girlfriends or boyfriends home? What are the rules then? I’ve advocated no girls in my sons’ bedrooms with the door closed but children can be canny, as Michelle*, a mum of a 15 year-old daughter, discovered recently.
‘Last week, my daughter had her boyfriend over at our house and they were upstairs and my daughter’s door was open the whole time,’ she recalls. ‘I periodically walked upstairs just to make my presence known but one time I walked past I didn’t see them in her room. I called out her name and she came out of the wardrobe in her brothers’ room, saying she was “looking” for something. Well, I guess her boyfriend was looking for something in the wardrobe too as he came out a few moments later, sheepish and red in the face.’
Clearly, rules can be circumnavigated and, as Dr Ben-Ari points out, ‘Teens are at an age when our opinions may not count for much as they can have sex regardless, in secret.’
What we want is for our teens to be safe and to feel comfortable talking to us.
When Karen’s* 17 year-old son told her he was planning on having sex with his girlfriend in his car, she was strangely grateful he’d opened up. ‘He said he loved her and was ready and she was on birth control and I felt he was being very mature about it,’ she says. ‘In the end, I told him not to do it in the car and suggested his bedroom would be better, provided his father and I weren’t in. That felt right for me.’
Dr Ben-Ari believes there are no hard and fast rules about what should or shouldn’t be allowed as every parent’s attitude to sex is different and complex.
‘It depends on so many factors; whether they're the first child or fourth child, living in a big city or small village, parents being conservative or liberal, and more,’ she says. ‘It can feel like a natural relationship development for some parents, despite feeling slightly embarrassed, while others may worry about the impact of their teen having sex and their ability to use good judgment. Some parents can feel overprotective, while others might feel more at ease. There is no one answer here, as it depends on the specific family and teen.’
One aspect that is important is respect – something perhaps Brady is lacking in the show.
‘You can say to your teen, “I understand it’s an exciting time for both of you to discover and develop your sexuality. It is natural. But at the same time, X and Z (for example - leaving condoms on the floor or banging the walls) are off the table,” explains Dr Ben-Ari. ‘We want to have open conversations, without any judgement, but with clear guidelines. Communicate how you’re feeling and what you expect.’
So, thanks Miranda. I’m going in, before it’s too late.