I did some research, and it turns out that letting children play on their own is not only good for them, it's also good for their parents—in fact, it's an act of self care.
Here's the reality: constantly being ‘on’ is exhausting, and I've learned it's not even necessarily good for children. Someone decided a while back that being a good parent means constant interaction and total self-sacrifice, but it really doesn't. Learning to play independently is developmentally important for a young child. Experts all agree that independent play helps support problem solving, creative thinking, and focus. Even babies benefit from short periods of independent play.
Of course, there is only so much you can do for yourself while your children are playing nearby, and encouraging independent play is going to mean different things at different stages. If you're consistent, you can gradually build towards longer sessions.
When your baby is tiny, you may only have enough time to sort through the mail for a minute or two while your baby looks at high contrast images overhead in their Play Gym. Older babies who are sitting up might be able to entertain themselves long enough for you to get most of the way through a cup of tea. Eventually, around preschool age, you can establish a specified time when your child might play in their room or another safe area with some monitoring. At this stage, you might have time for a phone call with a friend. Even if your child can't play independently for very long at first, just removing the pressure to constantly engage is an act of self care.
Independent play supports problem solving, focus, learning through trial & error and creative thinking. It also builds on skills such as frustration tolerance, focus, autonomy and sense of agency.
For young children, independent play does not mean play in isolation but rather when a child explores on their own for a given length of time. Babies and toddlers thrive most by playing in the presence of a beloved caregiver. But, you can promote independent play by letting there be time when you are an observer versus an active participant.
Here's some tips from the child development experts on the Lovevery team.
Encouraging independent play in babies and toddlers
It’s important to follow your child’s lead and build their stamina for independent play slowly. Often, a caregiver will need to set loving boundaries and be there for times your little one needs to refuel and check in with you. For instance, you might say to your toddler: 'I see you playing with your ball! I am going to watch you while I finish my breakfast. When I am done, I will sit with you.'
It’s also important to manage your expectations. The ability to do this will vary through baby and toddlerhood. Setting solid routines will help - meaning that independent play happens around the same time each day as part of the daily routine. With an adult close by to supervise, even a newborn can start practicing independent play habits. Here are some other tips:
Tips for babies who aren't crawling yet
Put your baby in a safe, baby-proof space like a Play Gym and plan to stay nearby. It’s important to note that independent play does not mean unsupervised play.
At first, expect no more than a few minutes of independent play at a time.
If they fuss or cry, go to them; you can build up their stamina over time.
Playthings at the early stages may be anything from a playmat with some plaything to bat, safe mouthing toys, or a mirror for some tummy time exploration.
Try making independent play practice part of your baby’s daily routine. For example: nap, milk, read a book together, then independent play.
Tips for older babies and toddlers
Create a 'yes space'. Spaces where children have just the right amount of playthings, at just the right difficulty and interest for them, and where nothing is unsafe or forbidden, are known as 'yes spaces'. Children hear 'no' a lot, and giving them a space where they’re encouraged to explore without restrictions builds their attention span and supports independent play.
Provide 3-4 developmentally appropriate materials for your little one to explore at their own pace. Offer a few meaningful choices for toys using the Montessori method of toy rotation. Fewer toys encourage children to go deeper with their play.
Give your child playthings and activities that are just right for their stage to increase the likelihood that they will stick with the toys longer. If a material is too difficult, it will be harder for independent play to take place. For a toddler, this can be anything from cube blocks for stacking, beloved books, or early pretend play materials like a babydoll. Open ended materials and play things allow a child to explore in many different ways and hold their attention for longer.
Tips for successful independent playtime
The ability to play independently is a combination of development, temperament and environment. It’s important to follow your child’s lead when it comes to their tolerance for independent play. If a parent keeps in mind these three developmental themes, independent play should not lead to tantrums or crankiness.
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Expectations: For babies and toddlers under three, it’s important to keep expectations about independent play realistic. Most babies and toddlers can play independently for short bouts of time. Think no more than 3-5 minutes before they may need support from you. If you want to gradually increase that, it will take practice and loving boundaries on the part of the caregiver. Start with a short amount of time and then build on that each day. It’s also helpful to attempt to keep in mind that certain times of day—like just before your child’s nap—may not be the best time to try.
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Independent play does not mean solitary play: Independent play means playing in the presence of a beloved caregiver but the caregiver is taking the role of observer and should be in sightline. So even if they are playing independently, they may look to you to 'refuel' before they can begin playing again. This can be something as simple as a look to you for acknowledgement or coming in for a hug before they are off again.
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Set-up is key: It’s important to have playthings that your child is interested in and mostly familiar. Adding a new or novel toy can also peak interest and motivate some independent exploration. Playthings that are too difficult will likely cause frustration and require a caregiver to support the play. When possible, feel encouraged to give your baby and toddler playthings that are open-ended and create a space for your child to explore in a way that feels important to them. Open-ended materials or playthings are simpler in design and can be used in all sorts of ways, which provides opportunities for creative thinking.
Lastly, be patient with your baby and toddler. Playing independently is a learned skill that grows over time. It’s important to respond to them when they make an overture, even if it is independent playtime.
Jessica is the co-founder and CEO of Lovevery. Their mission is to give families a support system for a brighter future through their stage-based early learning system. The brand is best-known for its subscription Play Kits program, which delivers award-winning play essentials and resources for parents designed by experts for a child's developing brain.