‘Be Proactive, Not Just Reactive’: Here’s How To Talk About Consent With Your Children

Like others who are involved in the field of gender-based violence, I’ve been impressed by the way Adolescence presented its modern complexities. The show’s release has been particularly timely, coinciding with the news that child sexual abuse has risen by at least 17% in just two years. A new policing report shows more than 115,000 crimes reported in 2023, up from 98,000 in 2021. And, as usual with crimes of this nature, the true figure is likely to be much higher, with Rape Crisis England and Wales suggesting as many as one in six children have been sexually abused.

As we’ve seen so expertly demonstrated in Adolescence, there’s no single reason for an increase in violent crimes, it’s a toxic combination of entrenched gender roles, online extremism, day-to-day misogyny, living in a ‘rape culture’, a cost-of-living crisis, and so much more. Therefore, it’s particularly important to stress that when children are victims of sexual abuse, it’s not helpful to lay the blame at the feet of their parents – ultimately it’s perpetrators of violence who are responsible.

That said, we are all naturally keen to protect our children as much as possible, so here’s how and why we need to start having uncomfortable conversations.

What’s behind the rise in violence?

There are many factors driving up the number of sexual violence crimes against young people – rising inequality being a big one. ‘We've got an increased population, and we've got increasing level of vulnerability and inequality,’ points out Heather Conboy, Deputy CEO at Kirklees, Calderdale and Wakefield Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre. ‘Which means more vulnerable children, which means higher risk households where children are sexually abused.’

Then of course, there’s the effect of living in an increasingly digital world. ‘There are now internet enabled devices in every single room in every home. There are internet enabled fridges! And children and young people can access severe and graphic sexual abuse images online, and then be more easily groomed into being the victims of those very explicit child abuse images,’ says Heather.

Sexual violence has certainly evolved alongside technology. ‘There’s been a real shift in how sexual violence can happen — things like online exploitation, the rise of image-based abuse (aka revenge porn), and even dating app culture have changed the landscape,’ says Naomi Butters, co-founder and CEO of ICENA, a social enterprise that specialises in workplace and professional development training around issues including sexual violence and harassment.

Talking to toddlers

When we were growing up – if they did it at all – our parental sex ed tended to amount to one ‘Talk’, and not much else. Today most experts agree that a more nuanced approach is better – and that it can’t come early enough.

‘It’s actually really simple,’ says Naomi. ‘Teaching a toddler that they don’t have to give someone a hug if they don’t want to is an easy way to introduce the concept of bodily autonomy. You can also encourage things like asking before taking a toy from a friend—this all builds the idea that we respect others’ choices and personal space. With younger children, it’s about naming body parts correctly, talking about safe vs. unsafe touch, and encouraging them to tell a trusted adult if something doesn’t feel right.’

Primary school kids

Things get more complex as your child spends more time away from you and with their peers, where they could be exposed to material that unsettles them at sleepovers, on the bus or even at school. It’s human nature to want to shelter your children, but you might be doing them a disservice.

‘The most vulnerable child is the child who knows nothing, and so doesn’t have the language to articulate what they have seen or been exposed to, or even been involved in,’ warns Heather. ‘Unfortunately we have to bite the bullet and understand: Ok, we live in a rape culture, educating my child specifically before they go to high school about what rape is, and what sexual abuse and consent looks like… I have to, unfortunately, remove some of their innocence here and have quite grown-up conversations, because they are going to be exposed to grown-up themes.’

Pre-teens and teens

With older children, there is even more to cover. ‘Pre-teens need to understand the risks of sharing images and the importance of clear, enthusiastic consent in all situations,’ advises Naomi. ‘And for teens? That’s where more in-depth conversations about relationships, peer pressure, and digital safety come in.’

Heather, who has done extensive research into sexual violence in pornography, says we can’t afford to be naive about what our children are being exposed to. During presentations of her work, she says: ‘There were so many mothers who said: “My 16-year-old son has never watched porn.” Or: “My 21-year-old daughter wouldn’t even know what porn is.” There is a generational shift in mindset from a magazine in the woods, to what mainstream, unregulated online porn looks like. I think the first step is parents educating themselves.’

For starters, the NSPCC has lots of free advice about online safety, while the book Pornland, by Gail Dines makes for challenging – but essential – reading.

It’s also important to create a safe space for honesty, says Esmé Friel, a Children's Independent Sexual Violence Advisor: ‘If children experience sexual abuse in a context in which they know or suspect they're doing something they're not “allowed” to - like at a party they were forbidden from going to; on the social media or dating app they're not allowed to have downloaded; after taking intimate images of themselves – they're going to feel less able to tell their parents about the sexual abuse because they're going to be afraid of getting into trouble/being punished. Children need to trust that they can tell their parents about anything that makes them feel unsafe or confused without fearing that they'll get in any kind of trouble if they do.’

Proactive, not reactive

As Adolescence highlights, as well as children becoming increasingly vulnerable to adult offenders, there has also been an increase in abuse by children. Sharing indecent images now accounts for 41% of offences committed by children aged 10 – 17.

While it’s an uncomfortable thing to consider, it’s worth having conversations with children not just about their own boundaries, but about respecting those of others too. ‘Kids don’t always realise that pressuring someone to send nudes is a form of coercion. It’s not just a bit of fun — it’s a violation of consent,’ says Naomi. ‘That’s why these conversations need to be proactive, not just reactive.’ It’s also about the tone you use to speak to them: ‘Rather than using harsh, judgmental language (which can make kids shut down), focus on the impact of their actions,’ she adds. ‘Ask questions like, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” or “What do you think that person might be feeling in that situation?” This helps develop empathy, which is key to stopping harmful behaviours before they start.’

The topics you cover in depth may vary depending on your child’s gender. ‘The core messages—consent, respect, and boundaries—apply to everyone, no matter their gender,’ says Naomi. ‘But let’s be real, different genders experience different pressures. Boys, for example, might not be taught that they have a right to say no, or that their emotional boundaries matter. Girls, on the other hand, are often raised to be polite and accommodating, which can make it harder for them to assert their boundaries. And non-binary kids might struggle to find guidance that acknowledges their experiences.’

It might help to watch some age-appropriate shows together – such as Adolescence or Sex Education – and try to open up some conversations on their own views about gender, and how people of different genders might experience school or college. While we continue to live in a ‘rape culture’ that often treats people differently due to their gender, we can also play an important role in shaping our children’s view of society, says Esmé: ‘We can try to prevent children internalising the patriarchal values that underpin rape culture (gender roles, male entitlement, etc) - both by not instilling them in them (intentionally/overtly or by unconsciously modelling them in our own lives and relationships) and by challenging and helping their children unpack those ideas when they encounter them elsewhere, which means things like not letting casual “low-level” sexism slide. This is particularly relevant to the issue of how to try to prevent children causing sexual harm.’

These conversations aren’t always easy, but they are necessary. The goal isn’t to scare kids or make them feel ashamed—it’s to help empower them to assert their boundaries, treat others with respect, and speak up if something isn’t right.

Lizzy Dening is the founder of www.survivorstories.co.uk, an award-winning collection of stories from survivors of sexual violence. She’s former vice chair of Peterborough Rape Crisis Care Group, and has been covering stories relating to sexual violence for a decade.