Sometimes, in an attempt to protect our children, we may distort the facts of life and death to soften the truth. As parents it is natural to try and shield our children from the harsh realities of life, but this can inadvertently create a mystery around death which can force children to use their imagination to fill in the blanks. Therefore it is vital that we are honest. If a death is expected, don’t be afraid to include children in this experience. Using this time is a valuable opportunity to express their love, to say things that are important to them and to share everything that needs to be shared. Experiencing our grief together brings us closer to the people in our lives and is a very natural thing to do.
Children have an innate curiosity and may ask lots of questions. Let them. They will ask as much or as little as they need to know. By giving simple and factual answers, we give them the truth.
Create a safe space where you can share your feelings about the loss
You go first and be honest about how you feel. Allow little silences in the conversation to give time for your words to be understood and also so your child can think before they speak. Moments of silence really are golden in these conversations
Use simple and factual words
By telling the truth, we are teaching our children about a very important fact of life - that at some stage all life comes to an end. By using straightforward language to explain what ‘dead’ means we are teaching children a truth - that people can die when they are old, or if their bodies stop working properly through illness or if there has been an accident. In the case of suicide, it is alright to admit that we don’t always know why someone has died.
Explain that we all experience things differently so they may feel differently to you
Above all do not compare your feelings with theirs. Comparisons can cause them to mistrust their own natural instincts. Let your child know that they can say what they want without interruption. Remember children are still learning and are desperate to fit in. Allowing them to express their own reactions without comparison or comment, will give them emotional confidence. Accepting their words allows children to have a natural, unquestioned reaction to things that happen around them.
Don’t offer an opinion on your child’s words
...But be open and accepting in your body language. Feedback words to show you understand, but don’t interrupt their flow. Just listen to their words and reassure them and be ready with a hug if they need one.
Don’t try to change how they feel
Encourage them to talk through their tears - the emotion is contained in the words and speaking the words helps to unravel the confusion. All children, no matter what age, must be able to talk and share unconditionally.
Don’t try and distract them from their feelings of sadness
They need to learn that it is ok to talk about the person who has died, even if it does make them sad. Programming children with incorrect information as to how to deal with their sadness can create negative coping mechanisms. When we are happy, we show it through our laughter. When we are sad, we show it through our tears. Both emotions need honest and equal expression.
The way we teach children to cope with loss sets a pattern for the rest of their lives. Be honest, be accepting and be loving.
Lianna Champ has over 40 years’ experience in grief and bereavement counselling and is author of practical guide, How to Grieve Like A Champ