Welcome to #TweenTalks, a weekly franchise by Grazia’s parenting community, The Juggle (@TheJuggleUK on Instagram) where we speak to experts about tackling touchy subject with your tween-age kids. This week, Eve Stanway, an accredited divorce and break up coach, explains how to communicate with children about arguments or relationship problems at home.
If you are experiencing relationship difficulties right now, no doubt you have noticed your tween is picking up on the tension in your home. They may not have said anything, but they’re observant, and the emotional shifts won't have gone unnoticed. It’s natural to want to shield them from any problems you’re facing in your relationship, but tweens are perceptive, and avoiding the conversation can lead to confusion or unnecessary worry.
While it’s important not to overload them with details, finding a way to talk openly and honestly about what’s happening can help them feel reassured and more secure. This isn’t just about this moment either - it’s about creating a pattern of open dialogue that can help them navigate their own relationships down the line.
Start with a calm and honest conversation
Pick a moment when everyone is calm - maybe during a walk or a quiet moment after dinner. Start gently with something along the lines of, 'I’m sure you have noticed that things have been a bit tense between mum and dad lately.' This can feel scary to say, but it’s the best way to open the door for an honest conversation. You’re letting them know you see the tension too and giving them a chance to share their feelings.
Tweens are incredibly intuitive, and acknowledging what they’re already sensing can relieve some of the stress they might be feeling. By starting the conversation yourself, you prevent them from filling in the blanks with their own fears.
If they ask 'Are you getting a divorce?', be honest
One of the most difficult moments might come when they ask directly, 'Are you getting a divorce?' It’s tempting to brush off the question to protect them, but being truthful is essential to building trust. If divorce isn’t on the table, it’s okay to say, 'Right now, we’re working through our problems, and we’re not planning to get a divorce.' This offers reassurance without giving false promises.
If divorce is a possibility but not certain, be honest while offering comfort with something along the lines of, 'We’re not sure what’s going to happen, but we’re trying hard to work things out.' Your child needs to know that even though the future is unclear, their emotional security isn’t.
And if the decision has already been made, sit them down and explain it clearly. 'We’ve decided that living apart is the best thing for us, but that doesn’t change how much we both love you.' By acknowledging their fears while reinforcing their security, you help them process the situation without feeling destabilised.
Focus on feelings, not problems
It’s easy to get caught up in talking about what’s wrong in a relationship. But with tweens, the focus should be on feelings rather than the specifics of what’s going wrong between you and your partner. You might say, 'I’ve been feeling really frustrated, and that’s made it harder to communicate with dad lately.'
By sharing how you’re feeling, you model emotional awareness and give your child the language to talk about their own emotions. This helps them understand that even adults have difficult feelings, and it’s okay to talk about them.
Encourage them to share their own feelings
Once you’ve shared your side, invite them to open up. Tweens are often more concerned with how these changes make them feel than with the details of the relationship itself. Ask, 'How does it feel for you when mum and dad aren’t getting along?' or 'Is there anything that’s been worrying you?'
This creates a space for them to process their emotions and lets them know it’s okay to talk about their feelings without judgment. It also sets a precedent for future conversations, where they feel comfortable coming to you if they’re worried or confused.
If divorce is certain, structure the conversation
When divorce is happening, the way you share the news is vital. First, reassure them that the decision has nothing to do with them and that both parents will still be very present in their life. Stick to what they need to know—like changes to living arrangements or routines - without overwhelming them with the reasons behind the decision. Give them time to ask questions, and be ready to revisit the conversation as they process the information over time.
Talking to your tween about relationship problems, and even divorce, can feel overwhelming. But by focusing on feelings, being honest, and offering reassurance, you can create a safe space for them to process what’s happening. It’s not just about this one conversation, either - it's about laying the groundwork for open, reflective dialogue that will help them navigate their own emotional world for years to come.
Eve Stanway is an accredited divorce and break up coach, you can visit her website here.