Welcome to #TweenTalks, a weekly franchise by Grazia’s parenting community, The Juggle (@TheJuggleUK on Instagram) where we speak to experts about tackling touchy subjects with your tween-age kids. This week, multi-award-winning divorce coach Dr Sue Palmer-Conn explains how to have the dreaded divorce conversation.
I divorced at the age of 50, after a 25-year marriage. Three years later, I remarried and this year we celebrate our 20th anniversary. I have two sons, three biological grandchildren, four step children and 14 step grandchildren (with another on the way!), so as you can imagine I've had a lot of difficult conversations with lots different children over the course of my life. In fact, one of my children and two of my step children are now divorced - lucky for them, I'm a divorce coach with a PhD in child development.
Having taught in schools, (I work as a divorce coach and discernment counsellor), I’ve witnessed the effects of dignified and conflicted divorce on many children. It can be a difficult and emotionally challenging both children and their parents. When it comes to broaching the topic then, it of course need to handled with care, sensitivity, and open communication. Here my top tips...
Plan the conversation with your partner, if you can
Before talking to your children about the divorce, both parents need to plan the conversation together to present a united front so you don’t contract each other (of course, this only applies if this is appropriate and possible, where you feel safe and comfortable doing so). If you can, choose a time when everyone is available and the atmosphere is calm. Present a consistent message and let the children know that both parents will continue to be there for them and love them unconditionally. Make sure to allow enough time for the discussion, as it may take longer than expected.
If the father doesn't want anything to do with the children, it can be a difficult and painful time for everyone. Acknowledging the hurt and confusion for the children is important. They are bound to feel sad, angry or disappointed. You should reassure them of their worth and value as their father's actions or decisions do not determine individuals. They are loved and cherished whether their father is there or not. You should explain that sometimes people's decisions are difficult to understand but that their father's decision is not their fault nor are they to blame for it. The children will need reassurance that they will have a loving and stable home with you and that their needs will be met and they can always rely on you for support and guidance.
Be honest without sharing the messy details
When discussing the divorce with your children, be honest and provide them with age-appropriate information. Avoid sharing unnecessary details or blaming one another. Use simple language and concepts that they can understand. Emphasise that the divorce is not their fault and reassure them of your love for them.
Let them speak too
Allow your children to express their feelings and emotions about the divorce. Create a safe place where they can openly share their thoughts and feelings and listen attentively without judgement and validate and respect those feelings.
Explain that their life will change, but you'll try to maintain their routine as much as possible
Divorce can disrupt a child's sense of stability. To help them adjust, try to maintain a consistent routine as much as possible. This includes regular mealtimes, bedtimes, screen time, and other activities that provide a sense of normalcy and security. It takes time to adjust to the new routines and be prepared to provide ongoing support.
Keep referring to your partner by the names your children use
It is crucial to shield your children from any conflicts or disagreements between you and your ex-spouse. Avoid arguing or speaking negatively about one another in front of your children. Encourage a healthy co-parenting relationship and focus on their well-being. Refer to your ex-spouse by the names your children use – mum/mummy, dad/daddy – and not call them him or her, there is no room for pronouns in good co-parenting.
Be careful of your language when they come and go to your partners new house
When your children go to see your spouse, never tell them you’ll be lonely when they’re gone. That will only make them feel guilty and might stop their enjoyment with their other parent. When they return, don’t immediately quiz them about what they did and who was there. That will only make them feel they have to hide secrets. If and when a new partner comes into your children’s lives, welcome them as a bonus person to love your children, not as a threat to your own happiness.
If you're divorcing because of more complicate reasons like abuse, emphasise the importance of safety.
When you're leaving a marriage because of abuse, it is important to communicate with children in an age-appropriate way and emphasises their safety and well-being.
You must reassure them that their safety is top priority and that leaving is necessary to protect everyone in the family. You should be open and honest saying that the relationship has become unhealthy and for everyone's well-being they should separate.
The children should be encouraged to express their feelings and reassure them that feeling confused, scared, or sad is natural. You should let the children know their feelings are valid and that they can talk to you about them openly, emphasize that is is not their fault and that the abuse is not a result of anything they have or have not done. Make it clear the responsibility lies solely with the abuser. Also, for your own wellbeing, try to seek professional help and guidance during this challenging time.
Remember, every child and family is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to talking to children about divorce. However, by approaching the conversation with empathy, understanding, and open communication, parents can help their children navigate this difficult transition and provide them with the support they need.
About the expert: Dr Sue Palmer-Conn
Dr Sue Palmer-Conn is a multi-award-winning divorce coach and principal of the Divorce Coaching Academy. She is based in Liverpool and is known as The Divorce Doctor.