Welcome to #TweenTalks, a weekly franchise by Grazia’s parenting community, The Juggle (@TheJuggleUK on Instagram) where we speak to experts about tackling touchy subject with your tween-age kids. This week, gender equality consultant and author of Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias, Virginia Mendez explains how to approach the topic of consent in an easy, age-appropriate way.
If I’m honest, when I found out I was having my son, I was terrified. Raising him in the current climate felt like a huge responsibility. On the one hand, I was keen to raise him beyond the limitations of gender and let him explore his personality outside of stereotypes. On the other, I wanted him to understand the responsibility of being a boy, and then a man, in this specific society. I promised myself that he was going to understand consent the way I wish every man did. I was determined to change the world for him, but also with him.
When my daughter came along 19 months later, consent became an even bigger focus for me. I eventually wrote a book about it and now spend much of my time in schools workshopping the topic with kids and teens. As with all life lessons, consent isn’t something that can be taught in a day, it’s not about memorising rules. It’s an ongoing conversation about being in tune with other people’s boundaries and our own. It’s about being intentionally aware of everyone’s limits and respecting them.
Conversations about consent can start before kids can walk. When my two were toddlers we would play a tickling game. I’d tickle them and when they asked me to stop, I’d throw my hands up and say 'Look, you said stop and I stopped!' Only for the whole thing to start again 30 seconds later! Talking about consent doesn’t have to be serious, there are lots of ways to approach it in an age-appropriate way. My advice is always to start early, or start now.
Model consent in daily life
Conversations around consent are essential, but modelling it in daily life is even more important. Children learn by watching. So loudly respecting personal boundaries in your interactions has a powerful impact and is a great way to build their awareness.
An easy way to start is to ask your child if they’d like a hug, rather than just going for it. I know this can feel odd and you don’t have to do it every single time you hug them, but there’s huge value in them hearing you ask the question and seeing you accept their answer. It can be empowering for them to understand there’s a choice and for that choice to be respected. It’s useful to build on this later, I often ask playful questions like, 'Do you think it would’ve been okay for me to offer you something in exchange for the hug?' Or 'How would you have felt if I had said that if I didn’t get a hug, I would cry?' Kids love those moments of being listened to while they figure things out, and arrive at their own conclusions.
It works both ways
It’s important that kids understand their boundaries and how to express, protect and maintain them. But it’s also important to demonstrate that this works both ways, that ‘No.’ is a complete sentence and that nobody owes them anything, just because they really, really want it.
In the same way you can model asking them for a hug and respecting that ‘no’, you can also be the one who says no and stays firm. Whether they insist on skipping your song to put their favourite on or beg for the last of your fries, these daily occurrences are a great opportunity for them to see how in healthy relationships everyone has to feel comfortable saying no. And why, we have to respect each other's answers. Preparing our kids to be rejected, to be frustrated, to have to accept other people’s decisions is much easier in the context of unconditional love and the safety of family. We won’t be able to grant them a life of 'yes' and so it’s good to equip them with the tools they need to navigate disappointment.
Start simple, but let the conversation grow with them
Tweens are at a crucial stage, they’re more aware of their feelings and the feelings of others. Harness this awareness and introduce more nuanced discussions about consent. Explain that consent isn’t just about saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. In real life accepting to do something can be laced with complexities, whether that’s the fear of offending someone or being laughed at, it’s not always simple. Sometimes we don’t even realise we can say no.
I find that close to home, first-person stories in which they can see themselves in the role of all the people involved are the best ways to explain. So, for example:
'You know how dad loves bringing the frisbee when we go for walks and wants us all to play? And, you know how I say "No" most of the time because I don’t like playing? I used to say yes because I didn’t want to make him sad, but that made me angry at him and at myself because I really didn’t want to play. Now, he offers but knows not to insist and I feel really comfortable saying no and the days when I do decide to play, pressure-free, I enjoy it.'
Also, talk about the times in which you regret not having made it easier for others to say no.
Like the time you told them to hug that distant relative, or dragged your friend along to the party they didn’t want to go to. They need to see that there are two sides in a consensual relationship and we need to learn and be aware of both sides. It is a great opportunity to show them that you learnt from it, that you apologised and used it to do better.
Keep the conversation going
Consent, just like empathy, confidence, resilience or any other of the grounding blocks that we want our kids to build their life on are not just addressed once and then forgotten. Create a space where your child feels safe to ask questions and express their thoughts. Open-ended questions like, 'How do you feel when someone takes your things without asking?' will naturally evolve with them to 'What would you do if someone didn’t listen when you said no?' or 'How do you know if someone you are with wants to be kissed, or hugged?' These discussions help normalise consent as a part of everyday life rather than something awkward or taboo.
If your child oversteps someone’s boundaries or struggles with saying no, use it as a teaching moment.
We are humans! All of us! So it’s also important to talk about how we all make mistakes. How learning is a process, and that we as adults are still learning too. If your child oversteps someone’s boundaries or struggles with saying no, use it as a teaching moment. Reinforce that it’s okay to make mistakes as long as they learn from them. For us, it’s easier to correct them now, when they’re younger and when the topics are less difficult than worrying if they 'got it right’ when drinks, sex, drugs, social media and more complicated layers are added to the equation.
Empower them with clear, simple language
Finally, make sure they understand that consent is something everyone should give freely, without feeling pressured or obligated. If they are familiar with the concept of consent it will be much easier for them to reinforce it as they start to go out and navigate a much more complex social situations.
Everyone should know that only an enthusiastic ‘Yes’ means ‘Yes’ (both the person saying it and the person hearing it). Think about how many situations you have been in where your ‘No’ has been dismissed; situations where others thought it was ok to keep insisting and the times where others felt entitled to a yes. We want this generation to know better and to do better. This is our gift to them. By starting early, by starting now, we’re equipping them with the tools to understand and navigate consent.
About The Expert: Virginia Mendez
Virginia is a writer and gender equality consultant and trainer. She is the author of Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias and a weekly newsletterof the same name. Her other books include the children’s series, Mika & Lolo, the second of which focuses on consent. Originally from Spain, she’s now based in the UK where she lives with her husband and two children.