#TweenTalks is a weekly franchise by Grazia’s parenting community, The Juggle (@TheJuggleUK on Instagram) where we speak to experts about tackling touchy subject with your tween-age kids. This week, Sian Dolan from Hidden Strength, a teen mental health organisation, shares tips on reassuring children who are feeling anxious about going back to school.
While some kids are eager to get back into the school routine and excited to start a new year, the reality is that many are not. Whether your child is struggling to get out of bed in the morning, finding it difficult to study, or simply cannot face the school day because of anxieties, friendship woes or bullying, the prospect of heading back to a learning environment can spark all sorts of difficult situations, both for the child and the parent.
As a parent, it's difficult to know when back to school nerves mean something more serious - so to help you understand what different behaviours can indicate, we’re going to look at some of the most common scenarios to help you and your tween navigate any choppy waters ahead...
What to do if your child feels anxious about certain subjects or the school environment itself
Firstly, you need to know exactly what it is your teen is feeling anxious about. Talk to them and listen to their fears and concerns. Between the two of you, you may be able to make some practical changes to their day-to-day life to reduce anxieties. For example, if feeling overwhelmed by homework is a source of anxiety, you can create a simple timetable or talk to your child’s school about possible solutions. Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can offer support and suggestions on how to reduce their worries.
If your teen’s worry is social anxiety, talk through the scenarios that are giving your teen the most anxiety and try to figure out ‘safe-space escapes’ for each. For example: a busy lunch hall. Suggest your teen eats outdoors with a friend or takes a walk around the school grounds instead. It can also help to download an anxiety app on your teen’s phone to give them breathing exercises and mindfulness tips at the touch of their finger.
If they're worried about keeping up with school work, talk over their worries and identify any areas where you can offer to help with their learning or ask their teacher for additional support. It’s important to recognise that many young people struggle to learn outside of school. This could be for a variety of reasons, including poor time-management, a lack of self-motivation, struggling to understand the coursework, and learning disabilities. If that's the case, sit down with your child and ask them what it is about studying at home they’re finding difficult. Your teen may be feeling overwhelmed so offering to sit down and work out a clear study timetable/set mini goals can help them prioritise their workload and make studying feel much more achievable. If they simply feel unmotivated it can be helpful to remind them of everything they’ve achieved so far in life to boost their self-esteem.
If the problem runs deeper – behaviour or learning difficulties – it’s time to seek help from your child’s teacher or school. It’s important to have full transparency of how your child is acting both at school and at home before you, your child, and their teacher can devise an effective support plan for their learning journey.
If you’re seriously concerned about your child’s anxiety or how it’s affecting their life, talk to your GP to get more advice and support. Some teenagers may require medication or therapy to help them manage their anxiety.
What to do if your child is worried about bullying, making friends or feeling different from others
Whether your child has had a friendship fallout over the school holidays, finds it difficult to make friends or has been a target of bullying, the thought of going back to school and being surrounded by less-than-friendly peers can be a massive source of anxiety – and even fear.
For making friends – Some of us find it hard to make friends and it can be especially difficult for teenagers who experience a lot of peer pressure. If your teenager is worried about making friends or finds it difficult to chat to others, it can help to give them a few talking point suggestions to facilitate easier conversation. Encouraging them to join a club or group can also help them meet like-minded kids and potentially forge a new friendship.
For friendship fallouts – If your child has fallen out with friends or is being ‘ghosted’, it’s understandable how hurtful and isolating that can feel. Encourage your teenager to talk to you about how they’re feeling and be a shoulder to cry on when they need it. If your child’s ex-friends are being mean, it’s helpful to talk about toxic friendships and why these can be damaging to our mental health – chat about what makes a good friend and discuss the importance of being able to be yourself with your friends and feeling comfortable in their presence. Encourage your child to seek positive peers when they feel ready to make new friends.
For bullying – Call the school to request an appointment before your child returns to school. Do your best to keep a level head and aim to work with the school staff, rather than point the finger of blame, as you are more likely to find a solution for your child if you all work together. Be sure to give the school as much detail as you can to give them all the information they need to put a plan of action in place. Remember that you will need to be patient as dealing with bullying can often be complex and is rarely solved overnight.
For if they're feeling different from others – Your teen may be experiencing deep feelings of isolation due to their sexual orientation, gender identity, disabilities, or race. It could also be due to a recent bereavement, a family separation, moving home or starting a new school. If your child does identify with any of these reasons and confides in you, reassure them that you will be there to support them and that you are on their side. You may need to talk to your teen’s school, your wider family, a professional counsellor, or a GP to get them the help they need. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have all the answers or can’t instantly ‘fix’ things for your teenager – what’s important to them is to be heard and to feel like you understand and respect their worries and concerns.
Some children may be feeling a deep sense of unhappiness nearly all the time. They could have little or no self-confidence and feel as if no-one else in the world could possibly like them. If your teen is exhibiting signs of depression or you are seriously concerned about their mood, talk to your GP. They can assess, diagnose, and treat your child, most likely with talking therapy or anti-depressants, or a mixture of both.
About the expert: Sian Dolan from Hidden Strength
The Hidden Strength app is a secure, interactive portal where young people can access self-management tools, advice and educational content covering all areas of mental and physical health, as well as free chat-based therapy with trained therapists at the touch of a button – no lengthy waiting times, no cost, and no judgement. Available to download for free now, click here to find out more or download at theApple Store or Google Play Store
The Hidden Strength website also offers support guides for parents and carers of young people who are struggling with their mental or physical health.