It’s the conundrum that all parents face. You feel disconnected from your partner, so you really feel like you should spend more time with them, but they’re just so goddamn irritating it’s hard not to spend the evening bickering or silently simmering.
You know that a little love and intimacy with your other half would probably help build bridges, but you just can’t get over your annoyance that they didn’t do the laundry and you ran out of clean babygros.
We’re parents. We’re tired. If we’re parents of under-5s, we’re bloody exhausted. We’re trying to juggle kids, run a house, keep a career on track and tick off a massive to-do list, as well as keep our relationship on the right side of argument junction. So it’s no wonder that communication with our partner can be fraught. And sex? Well that (unsurprisingly) goes out the window along with civil dialogue.
I know exactly how you feel, because I’ve been there. My husband and I now have a great sex life and a renewed respect and love for one another now, but we nearly divorced a few years ago, so I promise I’m not smug about it! We learned the hard way that sex, while it might not be the be-all and end-all of your relationship, is one hell of a good foundation, and the first step to re-igniting a good sex life is remembering why you fancied your partner in the first place.
Our journey back to good sex was the inspiration for my book Get Your Mojo Back because, as we opened up about our own experiences, we found that so many other couples were going through it too So how do you start to fancy your partner again? Here are five building blocks to get you started...
One. Communication
Let’s get the boring one out of the way first. I promise you, it works. If you haven’t talked about how irritating you find each other, how are you going to solve it? Opening the dialogue means you might start to understand and like each other quicker than you think. If you struggle to bring up the big issues, try doing so on a walk or in the car - there’s something about not being face to face that takes the pressure off. Or if you’re forever talking about taking the bins out rather than taking clothes off, why not try some conversation prompt games to tap into what turned you on to your partner all those years ago.
Two. Share the load
We all know how much headspace our mental load and to-do list takes up. That’s a problem, because women need to feel desire in the mind before our body wakes up to arousal. If your head is full of grocery lists, it’s not going to get to sexy thoughts and your body’s not going to respond either. Taking more of a balanced approach to household chores can really help free up some headspace. And there’s nothing sexier than a man doing his equal share, is there?
Three. Alone time
Sex doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with parenthood, but we’re parents because we had sex, so learning to balance these two sides of your identity is key to experiencing fulfilling intimacy again. While date nights are great, spend time on your own first of all to remember who you are without a kid hanging off you. The more you remember who you are, the more you can reconnect with your sensuality and pleasure. And yes, alone time can include self-pleasure - maybe you just need a little kickstart to remember what all the fuss is about.
Four. Leave the house
Whether your grown-up time is solo or with your partner, try to take it out of the house. Your home is filled with kids’ mess and reminders of responsibilities, and it can be really beneficial to leave these behind for the night to focus on the magic of your own identities and the spark between just the two of you.
Five. Socialise with other people
There is nothing like seeing your partner from a distance, interacting with other people, making friends laugh or holding court, to make you realise just how attractive they can be. Simply viewing them through the eyes of others and in the context of other grown-ups can help you remember why you fancied them in the first place.
Clio Wood is the author of Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth
