How To Say No To Your Kids

As a parent, it’s natural to want to make your kids happy. I’ve been there myself – trying to avoid conflict or disappointment by saying 'Yes' to their requests. Whether it’s more screen time, staying up late or indulging in a treat they’re begging for, it’s hard not to give in. As a psychotherapist, however, I know the importance of saying a hard “NO” – and sticking to it. If you can, it’s a gift that prepares them for life.

You know how it goes… We say 'No' once, maybe twice. But when it’s been a long day, those 'Nos' quickly turn into a 'Yes' to keep the peace. Now fast-forward to their teens and friends are encouraging them to join in with risky behaviour, whether it’s smoking, vaping, drugs or sex. The pattern laid down in their brain is ‘No, No…Yes’.

When you say 'No' to a request – especially one that doesn’t align with healthy routines or boundaries – you’re teaching your child more than just a lesson about the importance of rules. You’re teaching them respect.

Respect is a fundamental value that can be fostered from a very young age. By saying 'No' to unreasonable or unsafe requests, you’re teaching your child to respect others and themselves. These moments build a foundation for them to value their own boundaries and gain the confidence to say 'No' when it matters most.

I would go further. Saying 'No' helps equip children with the tools to navigate the discomfort of emotions such as anger and disappointment when things don’t go their way. Emotional regulation isn’t about avoiding these tricky feelings. It is about your child learning that it’s OK to be upset and how to work through those feelings.

Strategies for saying 'No' to your kids without the guilt

For us as parents, saying 'No' can feel uncomfortable – especially when our children are upset or disappointed. But it’s essential if we want them to grow emotionally and have a healthy respect for boundaries.

Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful both with my own kids and when working with families on saying 'No' in a way that strengthens relationships, rather than causing division:

Do you use phrases like 'Not yet' or 'I’ll think about it'? I hear lots of parents and carers ‘go round the houses’ and not actually use the word 'No'. I promise, your child won’t crumble if you do. It’s actually really healthy for them to hear. Using phrases like 'Maybe later' or 'We’ll see' just causes confusion. When you set a non-negotiable rule such as ‘no screens after 7pm’, make sure you stick to it. It is far easier for children to accept a consistent rule than one that changes. They know where they stand.

Kids always want to know why. Helping them understand your decision acknowledges their feelings. For example, if you say: 'No more screen time', they see that as unfair or unjust, whereas if you say: 'It’s time to have your shower and you need to give your eyes a rest', it’s no longer arbitrary in their eyes.

One of the best ways to prevent resistance to a 'No' is to set expectations ahead of time – whether it’s about going out, screen time or bedtime. When kids know what to expect, they feel more secure and are less likely to push back. For example, you could say: 'When we go shopping today, we won’t be buying you any sweets, but you will have a chance to pick the snacks for school'.

Saying 'No' doesn’t have to cause family conflict. It can be an opportunity to not only teach valuable lessons, but to ready your child for when they are older and having experiences away from adults that feel pressurising or coercive.

With these strategies, you can set boundaries that nurture respect, resilience and emotional regulation – all while strengthening your bond. The next time you face a request that is going to end in a 'No', see it as an investment in future-proofing them. As uncomfortable as it feels as a parent, you will both reap the rewards in the end.

Ashley Costello is a psychotherapist, TEDx speaker and the author of A Parents’ Guide to Raising a Resilient Kid. Her mission is to future-proof the next generation by helping parents raise grounded, emotionally resilient children.