It’s a subject that is not talked about enough, women dealing with hormone fluctuations and juggling the challenges of parenting young children. As Mums, we are often under stress and pressure, we may have too many balls in the air. As much as we love and cherish our little ones, it can be tough at times. Throw in hormones, their unpredictability and for some, the start of perimenopause, then toddler tantrums and challenging parenting situations can be incredibly triggering.
My own journey with this began at 38, I had a 10-month-old and a two-year-old and I entered perimenopause – with a bang! At the time I had no idea as to what was going on, I had debilitating symptoms, and my anxiety was off the scale. Armed with very little help from my GP, and being a journalist at the time, I went searching for answers.
What I found was that 1 in 100 women will experience menopause before the age of 40. The impact isn't just personal; it ripples through family life. I read once that children are sometimes the forgotten victims of perimenopause, adding another layer to the guilt many mothers feel. While not everyone faces perimenopause with young kids, we do have our menstrual cycles and our hormones fluctuate depending on where we are within our cycle.
Having gone through this myself, one of the most important things I have learnt is that by understanding how to manage our hormones we can alleviate feelings of shame and guilt. By unravelling the connection between our hormones and stress, we can empower ourselves with a personalised toolkit to weather the highs and lows of toddler tumult.
These are my go-to tips to help you support yourself.
Tracking
Cycle mapping and symptom logging our hormonal health can help us to become more informed and aware of our own bodies. Not only does the data support us to self-advocate when seeking support from the GP, it can raise our awareness of changes we need to make in our professional lives to work smarter. Tracking empowers us to identify individualised trends that can become trigger points alongside the tantrums. Knowing when in the month your pre-menstrual (or Luteal) phase is, when PMS is elevated, where our rage peaks, anxiety heightens, or insomnia becomes a disruptor gives us ownership over what is going on. Learning when our Follicular Phase occurs (the phase following menstruation) is also helpful as this is when moods improve, and energy levels rise. An ideal time then to plan that kids party or host a play date! While we can’t predict the next tantrum, tracking can support us to understand our own patterns of behaviour so we can learn to acknowledge how we may react (alongside a big dose of self-compassion).
Breathe
Many of us can relate to the frustration felt when telling children to put their shoes on for the tenth time, or to clean their teeth and just when it all looks like they can be shipped out the door the baby vomits everywhere, and you have to start again. Frustrations like this can become triggers of anger and rage. In the moment we can get frustrated and then the guilt follows us around all day like a cloud. Let’s offload some of this negative talk. Breathwork is a powerful tool to explore how you can calm and centre yourself in those challenging moments. It's valuable to help you pause and move on. Giving yourself permission to let those moments go can prevent the guilty feeling set the tone for your day.
Nutrition and exercise
“Like I have time for this,” I hear you say. It is one of the biggest challenges that presents for many clients in my coaching practice. Exercise is my biggest challenge personally and carving out the time is hard. Try and come up with a plan that is achievable. Start small and build up where you can. Having the right support around you to encourage and hold accountability on this can also be a motivator. Feeding our hormones with the right, evidence-backed nutrition and exercise are both linked to supporting our health. Exercising self-compassion on the days we just don't achieve what we want is also really important. Do your best and move on.
Sleep and self-care
Many of you will laugh when I mention sleep in a conversation about toddlers but hear me out. I’m not going to dish out the “sleep when the baby sleeps” type of advice here. It's more about mindfulness that at certain phases of our cycle we may need more sleep. If you don’t have that village that we often hear about, think how you can create a space where you can get an early night or have a rest with the support of a partner. For those experiencing hormonal fluctuations, practising a good sleep routine is helpful to managing certain symptoms. Things like stopping the doom scrolling, keeping away from your inbox, taking a hot bath, or reading a book all help prepare your body and mind for rest.
Communication and teamwork
Communicate with your partner about your needs and struggles. Hormone fluctuations, especially when going through perimenopause can cause low moods, anger and anxiety, so seeking support from your partner can make it less lonely and isolating. Treating the symptoms with support from your GP or Menopause Expert is essential. Remember you don't have to muddle on feeling like you do.
Mum guilt
It’s never ending. We experience it daily and have enough of it to last a lifetime. It's a constant struggle and finding ways to alleviate it is crucial for your mental well-being. I've forgotten show and tell, fancy dress, PE kits and reading logs (and that's all so far this term!). I've dropped getting angry and constantly sounding like a martyr. It's miserable for those around me and actually makes me angrier. Apologising to my daughter and then letting it go proves more productive. And the tears - they sometimes come out of nowhere, don't they? But understanding the link with this and your hormones can help you speak more gently to yourself in those moments.
Find your tribe
Mum friends can be a trusted sounding board for how you are managing. Connect with other mums and share experiences to get invaluable support on your journey. It can also help normalise a lot of the challenges knowing others are also on the same page. For perimenopause - I’m amazed at the positive response I've had from mum friends who want to talk and share about it.
Perimenopause - it's ok to talk about it
If you are experiencing low mood, anger, tearfulness, anxiety, irregular periods or flushes it is worth speaking to your GP to discuss treatment and diagnosis. Menopause is not a one size fits all. Early menopause, medical menopause, POI are just some examples where we need deeper awareness and increased support.
Anna Allerton is the founder of Allerton Consulting and a leading Business Consultant and Executive Coach. With multi-sector experience, Anna specialises in workplace transformation, culture change and retention of female talent in the workplace, specifically around the perimenopause and menopause.