Co-parenting without conflict: is it possible when you don’t like your ex? Yes! It’s possible. Although it may not seem like it at the moment.
When you decide to have children it’s a lifelong responsibility. But what happens when a relationship ends in a storm of emotions and shattered trust? The idea of co-parenting can feel a million miles away. Yet, even when you can’t stand your ex, your child’s well-being demands that you find a way to work together.
Let’s face it: separation can quickly turn into a battleground where winning means 'defeating' your ex rather than protecting your kids. The chaos of high-conflict breakups can leave children feeling confused, unsafe, and emotionally adrift. When both parents are too caught up in personal pain to focus on what really matters, it’s the children who pay the price.
Effective co-parenting means shifting gears and putting your negative feelings aside for the sake of your children. It means realising that even though your family has changed shape, the role of being a parent doesn’t vanish. Think back to those first moments with your new-born—the fierce love, the overwhelming sense of responsibility. That spark doesn’t go out just because the relationship ends. The truth is, you and your ex are still parents, and your child deserves the best of both worlds.
So how can you do it, if you really can’t stand each other. Well, there is a way. In my new book: The Co-Parenting Method: Six steps to raise happy kids after separation and divorce I set out six steps to help you do just that.
Because here is the thing. You don’t need to like your ex to be able to parent with them. But you do need to be able to communicate with them without it turning into a massive argument.
Here are some quick tips on how to get there:
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Start by accepting that you’re going to be co-parenting for the long-term. A mindset change can be really helpful in keeping things calm. Nobody wants decades of conflict.
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Manage some of those strong emotions that are flying around. Don’t pretend they aren’t there, but find appropriate outlets for them, rather than aiming them at your ex. Your ex is just there for co-parent conversations.
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Set some boundaries. When you come out of a relationship where there were probably few boundaries and you have to suddenly set them, it can feel hard. Imagine your new co-parenting system like a Venn diagram. You come together in the middle bit to talk about the children, but that’s it. If you’re in high conflict, this can be a really helpful mindset shift.
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Listen well, keep communication calm and choose your words! Some words are really inflammatory, they will cause a massive argument, others de-escalate conflict. Listening well is fundamental to reducing conflict as it keeps everyone nice and calm. Think for a moment about the last time someone really listened to you. It feels safe and stable right? If you can create that in your co-parenting you are winning.
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Make good decisions by keeping conversations brief and focussed. Set a specific agenda if you need to keep on track with the chat.
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Look after yourself, know what’s in your control and what isn’t. Self-care is important because your kids can see that you’re able to care for yourself as well as them.
Co-parenting isn’t about rekindling a lost love or pretending your ex is suddenly perfect—it’s about carving out a path that lets your child flourish despite the hard time. By accepting the reality, owning your actions, maintaining respect, managing your emotions, and leaning on support, you create a nurturing space for your child to grow into a resilient, happy adult.
You’ve got this.
Marcie Shaoul is the author of The Co-Parenting Method: Six steps to raise happy kids after separation and divorce published by Vermillion, part of the Penguin group, March 2025. Follow Marcie (@thecoparentway) on Instagram. Visit her website for more information about her online programmes or buy the book here