There was an argument on one of my posts recently about whether or not the Fourth Trimester was actually even a real thing!
80 people waded in to argue over the fact that they found the expression “Fourth Trimester” to be nonsensical because the term “tri” refers to things that come in 3s and therefore the concept of having a “fourth” trimester made no sense.
I think they missed the point that the term simply refers to a period of three months, and that this period of three months after you have given birth is just as important, perhaps even more important than the preceding three.
I don’t care about the semantics of the phrase. All I care about is preparing women, for what many find to be, the toughest three months of their lives.
There are so many aspects of this period which take even the most prepared by surprise, so I would love to share some insight from someone who has been there and got the T Shirt, and the cap, and the key ring, and the tattoo...
We all get the baby blues!
Yes, you read that right, ALL of us!
Even the celebs!
Even the rich and famous!
Even the ones with the nannies and staff and all the support you can buy.
There is a huge hormone dump after you have given birth, and you WILL cry and you WILL say “I can’t do this” and you WILL wonder if it’s too late to give the baby back.
But don't worry, it's normal and it doesn't last. A good cry, something to eat and a nap will sort you out.
You might not bond with your baby straight away
And that’s OK. It makes sense if you think about it. This is a brand new relationship with a brand new human. You might need to get to know each other before you fall in love! A difficult and painful birth, breastfeeding problems and lack of sleep can also make it difficult to feel the love immediately.
Breastfeeding might not be easy for you
It might not come naturally. It might be more painful and difficult than you imagined. It may even be a source of huge mental distress for you if it does not go as you had hoped. Get all the help you can find and afford and if things do not get better then there is a wonderful alternative called formula! Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed or a failure if you need to give your baby formula. You need to do what is best for you and your family.
(On the flip side, you may find breastfeeding easy and it works well for you! That is awesome!)
Your baby does NOT hate his moses basket
He is not crying because you got the hand-me down basket from your sister. He does not cry because he disapproves of the brand of car seat you bought! He is not crying because you painted his nursery walls with Homebase own brand paint instead of Farrow and Ball. Hitting up Amazon Prime at 3am is not the answer to a crying baby.
Babies cry because they are tired, because they are hungry, because they are cold, hot, uncomfortable (label poking in their neck?). They mostly cry because they are babies and they cannot speak yet and tell you what they want - it is not always easy to work out why they are crying, but generally they just want to be held. A baby carrier can be a total lifesaver in those early days!
You might not love your postnatal body
It will likely be wider, softer, wobblier, maybe with stretch marks, perhaps a scar, your vulva will look different and you might not be happy about this. But be kind to yourself. You have just performed a miracle! Think of what happens to other vessels after they have reproduced...like egg shells and pea pods, they are destroyed! We can’t complete this process completely unscathed, so try to reframe things and be proud of your beautiful body and what it has done!
Don’t forget to look after yourself
It is so easy to become all consumed with taking care of another human and being the best parent you can be. But do not forget that there is no way you can be your best or do your best if you don’t take care of yourself. The oxygen mask analogy is so helpful here. Fix your own mask before helping others. Self care does not have to take the form of spa weekends or trips to Ibiza, nor should it ever include things like folding washing whilst someone else holds the baby. You need to find time to do things for you that make you feel good and help you to feel like yourself again. A run, yoga, a sleep, a long bath, reading a book, cooking in peace. Be selfish, put your plans in the diary and make them happen!
The Fourth Trimester can be so tough for so many new parents and you need all the help and support you can get. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but with our “villages” dispersed or locked-down during global pandemics, that support isn't always close to hand. If you are struggling, please do not be embarrassed to say “I am finding this hard” or “I need some help” to those around you and please do speak to your GP if you think you need some extra support.
For more reassuring and practical advice, Becca's book, Nobody Tells You, is out now.
Nobody Tells You is a collection of over 100 honest, insightful accounts about pregnancy, birth and parenthood from a diverse collection of voices. The accounts in Nobody Tells You show that pregnancy, birth and parenthood are never just ‘one-size fits all’ and will help anyone embarking on this journey to feel more informed and better prepared for bringing new life into the world. The book aims to help end the stigma around postnatal depression, remove the judgement around breast or bottle feeding choices, and lift the lid on unexpected bodily functions.
The perfect antidote to lives viewed through the veneer of social media, Nobody Tells You gives readers a truthful, and often humorous, insight into the unfiltered experiences of parents
Whether it’s advice on a first pregnancy, guidance for people looking to support a pregnant partner or help for families looking to grow, Nobody Tells You provides detailed, relevant and highly readable insight into all four (yup!) trimesters so that mothers and fathers feel less alone and more supported in their journey to – and through - parenthood.