I sat on the bathroom floor watching the timer as the pregnancy test developed, the cold bathroom tiles grounding me in this moment of fear and anticipation. Two lines appeared on the test, but surely this was wrong? Only a few months beforehand my doctor told me my oestrogen levels were still too low to get pregnant due to my history with an eating disorder.
When I was admitted to a mental health hospital with anorexia, aged 17, I had to find everything in me to motivate myself to get well. My anorexia made me feel invincible, but in reality it was shrinking my entire life, stopping me doing the things I wanted to do. I had to dig deep to find reasons to get well, including travelling, going to university, and one day having children. It was this last one that so often drove me to keep going.
But while having motherhood as a motivator is one thing, actually being pregnant when you’ve had an eating disorder is a whole other ball game. I hadn’t anticipated the feelings that emerged in the months after finding out I was pregnant – around my body changing, not knowing what to eat to feed the baby growing inside me, and how to get to a place where I was able to communicate what was going on for me without resorting to old destructive eating disorder behaviours as a way of coping. Oh, and with a pandemic thrown into the mix to amplify all those fears. When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought that I would be cured, that those final few steps to a full recovery would be met because surely a baby inside me would make recovery easy?
As the weeks turned into months, my body began to change and whilst my eating disorder was never about my body, the sheer uncertainty of what was happening to it began to take over. Lying awake at night, feeling my bump grow, ruminating over food, my future, finding myself down a social media rabbit hole at 2am comparing my bump to the bumps of others, with mine never sitting or looking quite right.
With approximately 1.25million people in the UK having an eating disorder, it is no surprise that there will be many others dealing with similar thoughts when it comes to pregnancy. On top of this, there is still a stigma often attached to eating disorders from people who think it’s a choice, or something that only affects white teenage girls, or that you have to look a certain way to have one, as well as the additional guilt that you are finding things hard when many couples can’t have children and are desperate for them.
Navigating pregnancy with an eating disorder can feel like a minefield but getting to a space where you can do it is possible. As I sit here writing this, in my second trimester, I still have so many fears. The fear of what will happen to my body as it changes daily, the fear of not being able to exercise. The fear of what if I can’t do this, what if the baby and I don’t connect, what if people don’t understand how I really feel because I am still eating? The fear that something bad will happen to the baby. And maybe the most intense fear of all, will I be OK? Or will those feelings that are so intense, the eating disorder trying to pull me back, will these ever go?
For me, I know deep down that however hard the eating disorder makes it, however much it tries to seduce me back by telling me it can make things OK, telling me it is better to restrict and get that quick fix instead of talking, I know that I won’t let it have that control over my future. Even if it feels uncomfortable, and hard.
8 ways to navigate pregnancy with an eating disorder:
- Be honest with your team, including your GP, midwife and health visitor, and those around you. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and so bringing thoughts and behaviours out into the open is key
- Assess what the eating disorder is trying to do. For me I knew the eating disorder was trying to numb emotion and fear, it was using my pregnancy as a chance to suck me back in offering me that instant relief but the more I was able to unpack that, the easier it got to stand up to it.
- Have go-to mantras and affirmations in your head
- Know what triggers you and get a journal and someone to vent to in those moments
- Create a routine that works for you. For me, this was having structure around work, meal times and emotionally connecting to my other half
- Know your worth. Putting yourself first in pregnancy is not selfish, know what your worth is and know that it is okay to push for additional support
- Set boundaries. This is key for people with eating disorders, but especially during pregnancy. When did it become OK for people to comment on someone else’s body? Answer – it didn’t. Communicate your boundaries clearly, explaining you don’t want unsolicited advice or body comments.
- Surround yourself with the right people – those who cheer you on and make you feel good. The people who can call you out on behaviours through love
Visit the eating disorder charity beat here. Their helplines are open 365 days a year