My elder daughter looks like me, and my younger daughter thinks like me.
You might read that and think, erm, yeah, that’s how genetics work, but for me, as an adopted person, the fact that my children resemble me in any way is pure alchemy; my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I don’t share these similarities with the family I grew up with, and I often think about whether that fact affected the way I was parented, and how my own parenting has been impacted by my family background.
The conclusion I’ve drawn is that I’ve had it easy, and adoptive parents are superstars.
The first thing I need to say is, my life as an adoptee has been as normal as anyone else’s – everyone’s normal is different, right?
Most adults I know who are adopted would say the same. Mum and Dad were, and still are, just Mum and Dad. I’m not struggling with my sense of self, or my genetic heritage. I have no hole in my soul, and neither does my older sister, who was adopted two years before me (we’re not biologically related). We have a younger sister who is my parent’s natural child. We have never been treated any differently.
But is it harder to parent a child who isn’t genetically linked to you? I suspect it is.
Since having children of my own, I’ve discovered I can attribute many elements of my children’s personalities - positive and negative – directly to either myself or my husband. In addition, my daughters’ personalities seemed fully formed from infanthood. One was stubborn, the other compliant. I parented them in the same way, yet one was anxious and clingy, the other relaxed and laid back. There was nothing I could have done to alter these traits because they seemed hard-wired from birth.
Mum and I have similarities which, prior to having children of my own, I used as evidence that nurture was a more defining factor in a person’s development than nature. It suited me to believe that the way we are brought up has a greater impact on who we become than biology does.
I had convincing evidence: I could easily pass as my adoptive mother’s natural child. Everyone says so. It may be that we have developed similar mannerisms, therefore appear more physically alike than we are, but there’s no denying that we have common interests in art and literature. Despite this, I can see now that I curated my evidence carefully to feel like I belonged, ignoring the fact that my basic personality traits differ significantly to those of both my parents.
I am naturally confident. I’m always excited to meet new people, whereas both my parents are reserved. I’m a cuddler. I like nothing more than a bear hug. My parents are not given to physical displays of affection. Mum and Dad are risk-averse and sensible with money. They tried their best to instil that quality in me, but despite their efforts, I find it almost impossible to resist that expensive cocktail, or the dress in exactly the right shade of blue, even if my bank accounts says I shouldn’t.
You could say their traits were instilled by their parents, and they were, but they were also the genetic children of my grandparents, so I would argue my point still stands.
My own experience of parenthood has led me to believe that, (unless someone suffers trauma, abuse or neglect), people are genetically pre-disposed to be the way they are, and whilst experiences and environment will inevitably impact that, nature is the most significant factor. I also think this has allowed me to parent my children through the lens of understanding them at a primal level that’s not just born from prior experience.
When one of my children is upset about something which may seem trivial, I can immediately relate to that because I was a sensitive, tearful child myself. That deep rooted knowledge of how it felt to be frightened and not be able to control my emotions allows me to offer empathy. When my other daughter is implacable, I can see the same trait going back generations on my husband’s side. With that knowledge, I’m aware that in some situations, I’ll have to change my stance, because she’s simply not going to budge.
When I was tearful and over-sensitive, my practical-minded mother became exasperated. She wanted to know why I was scared or upset by something she considered harmless. My behaviour didn’t make sense to her, despite her desire to find the root and fix it. We all want to fix things for our children, don’t we? But I think it’s more difficult to resolve a situation you don’t understand.
If my daughter is anxious and tearful, I can access my experiences and relate to her. I can measure my response according to my own familiarity with that feeling. How could my mum be expected to do that with two daughters from different gene pools?
This adds to my respect for my mum, who brought up three children, each with completely different genetic makeup, to be healthy, happy, well-adjusted adults. I also have more appreciation for single mothers who have children who are very much like their fathers (or vice versa), and step-parents who are bringing up step-children as their own.
Parenting is the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, and I have the benefit of being able to understand the motivation behind many of my daughters’ actions.
I will be forever grateful to have been adopted into the family I was, and those generous souls who bring up children they don’t share genetics with have my utmost admiration.