Gwyneth Paltrow recently gave us an insight into her friendship with Dakota Johnson, her ex-husband Chris Martin’s partner, when she shared a sweet photo of herself and Dakota holding hands. Unlike Gwyneth and Chris, I did not consciously uncouple from my ex-husband. After more than a decade together and with a one- year-old at home, when we separated there were EastEnders-worthy moments. But seven years on, I’ve built a life I love for me and my son and I think I’m ready to embrace my inner Gwyneth.
My ex lives with his girlfriend and is very much a part of my son’s (and therefore my) life. Did I imagine us being one big, happy blended family? Me popping in for a cup of tea at handover times, the occasional Sunday lunch and even a cosy Christmas all together? Honestly, yes. Has it happened? No. At least, not yet.
However, I will be spending Christmas morning with my son and his dad and possibly even an in-law or two, with an open invitation for the Dakota in my life to join the party as well, or the offer to step back if my presence is not welcome. Because when it comes to blended families, leading with love (and a healthy dose of self-awareness) is the best decision for your children. Not having the perfect family Christmas I always pictured felt so hard at first but, once I had grieved the life I thought I’d have, I found that rewriting the rule book on what Christmas ‘should’ look like was freeing. I love my blended, bitty, timetabled holidays just as they are.
It helps that I had a model single mum and a wonderful stepmum. I’ve never seen them holding hands, but even when I was young they treated each other with kindness and respect. When you get to a place where you’re a happy single parent, you realise that the more love your child has in their life, the better. The secret to finding contentment as a co-parent is learning to let go of what you can’t control.
Aaron Dale, host of the co-parenting podcast Raising Boys 2 Men, says, ‘We can’t control how someone else acts; we can only ever control how we interact, and react to what that person is doing.’ We can reach out a hand to our Dakota, but we cannot make her hold it. All you can do is keep showing up with your best Gwyneth energy (perhaps minus the jade eggs).
If you’re new to all this and wondering how you’ll ever exchange a civil text with your ex, let alone befriend their new significant other, remember that time is a healer. It’s almost 10 years since Gwyneth and Chris’s conscious uncoupling, and I’m seven years into life as a co-parent. It gets easier. And if it doesn’t, then an Oscar- worthy performance as a parent who likes and respects their co-parent is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children this Christmas.