This article is an extract taken from a recent edition of Radio 4's Four Thought
I grew up in a household with four surnames. My mum had her maiden name, my stepdad his name, my brother his dad’s name, and I had my mum and my dad’s names. From a young age this meant I knew that not all families share a name, and that this has no effect on how loved we necessarily feel or how connected to each other we are. But growing up in a household with four surnames also meant that I witnessed just how much multi-name households can unsettle people observing our family from the outside.
Bringing up the topic of surnames in 2021 can still produce quite visceral reactions. Anyone who’s discussed the subject with friends and family knows this. So why does it continue to surprise me that many adults become uncomfortable when presented with even the slightest hint of a disruption or challenge to heteronormative behaviours in relation to surnames in marriage, and, especially, when it comes to children.
In many countries around the world including Britain, America, Australia, New Zealand, Pakistan, and India, it’s the norm for a woman to take the man’s name upon marriage, and in countries such as Japan, where it’s a legal requirement that married couples have one name, this translates into 96% of married women taking their husband’s last name. Where the patrilineal name is dominant in marriage, so it is in the case of how children are named too.
Elsewhere in the world, in Spain and many Spanish speaking countries, in France, Greece, Belgium, Italy, the Netherlands, Malaysia and Korea women either can’t legally change their names after marriage or it isn’t the custom to do so. Although in France, for example, it’s still common practice to use the husband’s surname in everyday life, with one study showing that 91% of women do this.
But even in these countries, where surname traditions vary in relation to marriage, when it comes to children, with the exception of the Spanish speaking world, the most common practice is for the child to be given the patrilineal surname.
In the UK where marriage has no legal consequence on your name, there’s also no law requiring children be given one name, both names, or that the whole unit must be assigned a ‘family name’, as is the case in Germany. And yet, children are, overwhelmingly, still given their father’s surname at birth. This tradition’s most powerful justification, until perhaps even very recently, stems from a desire to demonstrate that a child has been born inside of wedlock, a term as old-fashioned as it sounds, coming from the Old English wedlac.
To find evidence of how significant legitimacy conferred upon a child by marriage once was, we need only turn to Shakespeare, as one of our national cultural barometers, where we find at least four instances of illegitimacy: King Lear, Troilus and Cressida, King John and Much Ado About Nothing. The consequences of having a child outside of marriage were once a fruitful source of dramatic conflict, and each of these plays deals with the associated stigma in different ways, but most memorable of all might be Edmund’s impassioned speech in Act 1 Scene 2 of King Lear which ends: ‘Now, gods, stand up for bastards!’
The reputational implications of being born outside of marriage do linger still, in our use of bastard as a swearword, and in generational difference. A girlfriend of mine assures me that the prejudice is alive and well for some people, including her own grandfather, who was quick to refer to her baby as such when she was born in 2018.
And yet one of the most significant global shifts we have seen in recent decades is the move away from births occurring inside of marriage. According to data collected by the OECD more than 50% of children are now born outside of marriage in Chile, Denmark, Estonia, France, Iceland, Mexico, the Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Slovenia, and Sweden. Research conducted by Eurostat shows that 48% of births in the UK in 2017 were outside of marriage. What we are yet to receive are figures on how this has affected naming patterns where both parents are present.
Researchers such as Ernestina Coast, explain that cohabitation, as opposed to marriage is now considered a ‘normative’ practice in the UK and one of the key factors in both shifts, away from marriage to cohabitation, and away from births occurring inside of marriage, is the rise of women’s rights and autonomy in society.
We have the feminist movement to thank for many of the changes that have led us to our present moment, where broadly speaking, British society no longer stigmatises people based on whether they were conceived in or outside of marriage but in the case of cohabiting heterosexual couples the giving of the father’s surname remains the norm.
There are a few notable historical instances of women passing on their maiden names, such as Hester Piozzi, one of the most influential literary women of the late 18th Century. Sophie Coulombeau writes of Piozzi as having petitioned the King to allow her husband's nephew to adopt her maiden name of Salusbury, so that, to quote, ‘the Pedigree of [her] Descent’ continued despite having relinquished the name herself upon marriage. But these exceptions are few and far between and most of the historical and contemporary studies that have been conducted thus far have focused on women maintaining their maiden names rather than on what names are passed on to children.
I’m now almost 37 weeks pregnant with my first child, and when the baby is born, all being well in a few weeks’ time, they will have my surname.
When I married my husband back in 2019 I didn’t take his name, and I won’t be taking it now, as some women do, once children enter the picture and they face the prospect of having a different surname from their husband and their children too. Suddenly the pressure to conform becomes much more acute when the idea of international travel with a different passport to the rest of your family is presented. We’ve all heard the horror stories of women being grilled by airport security, or worse, their children being taken off into an interrogation room to answer questions about why mummy doesn’t have the same surname. These are real and scary concerns, and I wouldn’t blame anyone who wants to avoid such a stressful encounter for changing their name to prevent it from ever becoming a reality.
But there are other options open to us. Not that you’d necessarily know it from the very few articles and studies there are about partners choosing to pass the mother’s name onto their children. These articles tend to follow a similar apologist pattern. They tell the reader that the woman’s surname is more unusual, rarer, somehow therefore more worthy of preservation. Or, they celebrate the fact that the couple in question are not married, and they see their relationship as already ‘unconventional’ (although as I’ve described that idea is becoming less prevalent). Or, they quote women whose marriages didn’t work out and who subsequently articulate a sense of vindication in having given children their surname when they separate from the father and are (typically) then the main parent. Or, there’s the ‘I carried this baby for nine months I deserve some sort of recognition’ argument.
None of these rationales quite work for me, my surname is not the most common, it’s less common than my husband’s, but it’s certainly not going to die out if I don’t pass it on. Also, funnily enough, I didn’t enter into marriage thinking - one day this will end. I hope my husband and I have a long and happy life together.
And as for how long I’ve been carrying our baby, and marvelling at what my body is capable of in the process, sure, I think that’s worth celebrating, but I refuse to use that as a justification for why we’re giving the baby my surname.
Instead, what it comes down to, if I’m totally honest, is that this is a small stand against a structural inequality that should be way less of a big deal by now than it is; it’s my, ‘hill to die on’, as they say on Twitter.
In a 2019 article for Glamour Adrienne Brodeur writes of the initial tinge of shame she felt in giving her children her surname instead of her husband’s ‘simply because she wanted to’, and the subsequent self-recriminating anger that followed, in the knowledge that men ‘rarely feel guilty or question their motives when it comes to naming their progeny’. Brodeur uses a phrase that really resonated for me in trying to articulate what’s at stake in this issue. A man assumes that his children will bear his name, because ‘like so many privileges, it’s a given.’ Well, like a damp sock left in a washing machine, I happen to think that stinks. Why should it be a given? Why should there be guilt and embarrassment attached to a decision that should be made jointly, by two adults who respect each other equally? Why are we afraid, if we are afraid, that such a decision would negatively impact our children? In fact, research in this area on family and kinship has shown that children are not in the least bit confused about their family ties based on being part of a multi-name household or extended households. It’s adults who find nonconformity uncomfortable.
So my husband and I will need to be prepared for the possibility that people will not understand or respect our choice to give our child my surname.
My husband will have to brace himself against the potential for cruel and backward remarks from friends who try to disguise their shock and discomfort at what we’re doing behind jokes about me stealing his masculinity and rightful patrilineal dominance. And I will continue to receive post addressed to Mrs Skinner, a name I’ve never had, and never will. The baby too, no doubt, will sometimes experience this presumptive misnaming. But they will grow up in a household with three names, and it will be their normal.
It’s our hope that by giving our child my surname they will have a thoughtful perspective on that old question ‘what’s in a name?’ and they’ll know that in one sense the answer is, very little actually, in so far as they will be loved and cherished by us equally and together, despite having different surnames. But in another sense, they’ll know too just how important it is that they represent something different to the norm, to that received tradition, and they’ll understand that privileges should not just be a given, but questioned, and altered over time to reflect a more diverse world.
[This article is an extract taken from a recent edition of Radio 4's Four Thought](http://This article is an extract taken from a recent edition of Radio 4's Forethought)
READ MORE: Everything You Should Know Before Getting A Double-Barrelled Surname
Best Parenting Books
1 of 30How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids, By Carla Naumburg PhD
Pragmatic about helping you work through your sh*t to be a more present and positive parent. Increasingly relevant to today's parents, who are more overloaded, overwhelmed, and overworked than ever before, Carla Naumburg has the antidote to the feelings of complete despair and rage. With some humour too…
2 of 30There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', By Kate Silverton
This Sunday Times Bestseller details the secret to tackling tantrums, tears and laying the foundations for your child's mental health. In There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', mum to two young children, journalist and children's mental health advocate Kate Silverton shares her groundbreaking new approach to parenting under-fives that helps to make family life a breeze!
£12.99
- Rrp: £16.99
3 of 30How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes, By Melinda Wenner Moyer
As Melinda's children grew, she found that one huge area was ignored in the realm of parenting advice: how do we make sure our kids don't grow up to be assholes? How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes is a researched, evidence-based guide that provides a fresh, often surprising perspective on parenting issues, from toddlerhood through the teenage years.
4 of 30Why Did No One Tell Me?: How to Protect Heal and Nurture Your Body Through Motherhood
For too long, women have been told that debilitating conditions following pregnancy are normal and something they have to just put up with. Emma Brockwell is on a mission to change this. In this guide, Emma combines her expertise as a specialist women's health physiotherapist with personal experience to create a warm and informative handbook to help pregnant women and new mums take control and care for their changing bodies. Find out how to:
£13.59
- Rrp: £16.99
5 of 30The Gentle Discipline Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith
In The Gentle Discipline Book, Sarah Ockwell-Smith debunks many commonly held beliefs about punishment and motivation and provides an alternative approach that will empower you to discipline your child in an effective way and with respect. Gentle discipline is not about mollycoddling your child or being a pushover - it means understanding your child, having realistic expectations of them, and responding to their misbehaviour appropriately. It focuses on teaching and learning, not punishment or rewarding.
6 of 30No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame
No Bad Kids is a collection of Janet's most popular and widely read articles pertaining to common toddler behaviours and how respectful parenting practices can be applied to benefit both parents and children. It covers such common topics as punishment, cooperation, boundaries, testing, tantrums, hitting, and more.
7 of 30When The World Feels Like A Scary Place, By Abigail Gewirtz
This book by prominent child psychologist Dr Abi Gewirtz, brings solutions to a problem that is only going to get worse - how bad things happening in the world affect our children, and how we can raise engaged and confident kids in spite of them. Through conversation scripts, talking points, prompts and insightful asides, When the World Feels Like a Scary Place is an indispensable guide to talking to our kids about the big things that worry them - making us calmer parents with more resilient children.
8 of 30Queen Bees and Wannabes
A revised and updated version of Rosalind Wiseman's groundbreaking book for a new generation of girls. Packed with insights about technology's impact on Girl World and enlivened with the experiences of girls, boys, and parents, the book that inspired the hit movie Mean Girls (YES REALLY) offers concrete strategies to help you empower your daughter to be socially competent and treat herself with dignity.
9 of 30How Toddlers Thrive, By Tovah P. Klein
Leading toddler expert Dr Tovah P. Klein reveals why age two to five is the most crucial time for a child's brain development and how parents can harness this period to have a lifelong positive effect on their children's lives. With chapters on everyday routines, tantrums, managing change and avoiding toddler shaming, this smart and useful guide promises to inspire you to be a better parent. Sarah Jessica Parker says: 'Tovah taught me how to resist the temptation to fix everything, and instead give my children the opportunity to learn how to problem-solve for themselves.'
10 of 30The Montessori Toddler
This book promises to not only help you become a more effective parent but actually change how you see your children. Written by Montessori educator Simone Davies, this book shows you how to bring the educational values of a Montessori classroom into your home-while
11 of 30Parenting The Sh*t Out Of Life
From Grazia columnist Anna Whitehouse aka Mother Pukka and Matt Farquharson aka Papa Pukka, comes the Sunday Times bestselling account of parenting told from both perspectives, and a handy guide (kind of) on how to raise a small human. The must-read for all parents and parents-to-be - and possibly the best (or worst) baby shower gift you could ever give a prospective mum or dad...
£14.63
- Rrp: £18.99
12 of 30What Mummy Makes
Promising 130 recipes that will suit six-month-olds AND the rest of the family, this book could save you a lot of hassle when it comes to dinnertime…
£10.99
- Rrp: £16.99
13 of 30Sex, Likes And Social Media: Talking To Our Teens In The Digital Age, By Deana Puccio And Allison Havey
Based on their professional work with young people, parents and teachers – and their experiences with their own children – Deana Puccio and Allison Havey give you the tools to talk to children who are digital natives with experiences wildly different from their parents'.
14 of 30I Am Not Your Baby Mother
A thought-provoking, urgent and inspirational guide to life as a Black mother. It explores the various stages between pregnancy and waving your child off at the gates of primary school while facing hurdles such as white privilege, racial micro-aggression and unconscious bias at every point. Candice does so with her trademark sense of humour and refreshing straight-talking, and the result is a call-to-arms that will allow mums like her to take control, scrapping the parenting rulebook to mother their own way.
15 of 30The Calm And Happy Toddler, By Dr Rebecca Chicot
You think a newborn is the hard bit… and then you meet your little toddler. This book promises to help you, gently, through tantrums, night-waking, potty-training and all the fun stuff that goes with having a toddler. Dr Rebecca Chicot has a PhD in Parenting and Child Development from Cambridge University.
16 of 30How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen
Tried and tested communication strategies to survive - and thrive - with kids ages 2-7. Users have rated this book for having a helpful toolbox of tricks that are easy to understand and carry out.
17 of 30Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets Of Stress-Free Parenting, By Dr Laura Markham
Most parenting books focus on changing a child's behaviour, but this book says the truth is that children only change when their relationship with their parents changes. In Calm Parents, Happy Kids, Dr Laura Markham introduces an approach to parenting that eliminates threats, power struggles and manipulation, in favour of setting limits with empathy and communication. Bringing together the latest research in brain development with a focus on emotional awareness (for both parents and children), it will appeal to all parents who don't want to force their children into compliance and lose their temper, but want to keep calm and help their children want to behave.
18 of 3015-Minute Parenting 0-7 Years: Quick And Easy Ways To Connect With Your Child, By Joanna Fortune
This also comes in a version for 8-12-year-olds and posits that just 15 minutes of mindful playtime each day in your and your child's routine could change behaviour. Created with busy parents in mind, psychotherapist and parenting expert Joanna Fortune has devised a simple but effective method to build quality playful time together at home, structured around 15-minute games that can be easily incorporated into your existing daily routine.
19 of 30The Joy Journal for Magical Everyday Play
With a foreword written by Fearne Cotton and written by Russell Brand's wife and mother to his two children, this book has star ratings. But it's also hugely useful and full of games and tips to keep children preoccupied in ways that don't involve screens, which everyone knows is very much half the battle of parenthood...
20 of 30French Children Don't Throw Food
Part travel book and autobiography, this book shares journalist Pamela's parenting tips she learned from living in France. And, for added glam, it's set to be made into a film, starring Anne Hathaway...
21 of 30The Whole-Brain Child
Designed to help children of different ages, this pioneering, practical book for parents, neuroscientist Daniel J. Siegel and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson explain the new science of how a child's brain is wired and how it matures. Different parts of a child's brain develop at different speeds and understanding these differences can help you turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child's brain and raise calmer, happier children.
£8.03
- Rrp: £14.99
22 of 30The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), By Philippa Perry
Philippa Perry has been a psychotherapist for the past twenty years. She lives in London with her husband the artist Grayson Perry, and they have a grown-up daughter, Flo. Billed as a book for parents and children (and those who aren't yet parents), this book comprehensively covers lots of different stages of life and has a host of celebrity fans from Nigella Lawson to Fearne Cotton.
23 of 30Your Baby Week By Week
The book to shove in your pregnant friend's hands and tell them to only read week by week. A helpful manual of things your baby might and could be doing, week by week. As with all books, best taken with a dose of salt too – use the helpful bits, ignore the unhelpful/ones you can't quite face (i.e. the sleep bits…)
£13.59
- Rrp: £16.99
24 of 30Nobody Told Me
If it's weaning or sleep-training schedules you're looking for, this might not help exactly, but this book of poetry will make you smile. And probably nod your head a lot. And sometimes cry, and sometimes feel understood. Which goes much further than you'd think.
£7.79
- Rrp: £12.99
25 of 30The Second Baby Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith
This guide examines the specific issues that can arise with a second pregnancy and birth. From the common concerns about siblings, such as how to prepare your firstborn for what's to come, to how to cope with the practicalities of life with two young children. And the feelings parents are likely to experience, too - because it's easy to forget about this part.
26 of 30Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds
Raising a teenager can leave you feeling like a parenting beginner all over again. Children in the 'between' stage change daily, leaving parents struggling to understand the child they once thought they knew. In Between by parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith uses biology, psychology and sociology of adolescence to give readers practical parenting advice that you can use to help your child through the tricky transition from childhood to adulthood.
27 of 30How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
Parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide effective step-by-step techniques to help you improve and enrich your relationships with your children. Read this guide to learn how to break a pattern of arguments, cope with your child's negative feelings, engage your child's co-operation, set clear limits, express your anger without being hurtful and resolve family conflicts peacefully.
28 of 30The Danish Way Of Parenting
What makes Denmark the happiest country in the world, and how do Danish parents raise happy, confident, successful kids, year after year? This upbeat and practical guide reveals the six essential principles that have been working for parents in Denmark for decades:
£9.97
- Rrp: £14.99
29 of 30Baby Knows Best
Baby Knows Best is a comprehensive guide that shows parents how to respond to their babies' cues and signals; how to develop healthy sleep habits, why babies need uninterrupted playtime and how to set clear consistent limits. After reading as parents you will be more relaxed and also have more confident, self-reliant children.
30 of 30Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys
Calmer Easier Happier Boys sees parenting expert Noel Janis-Norton explains simple strategies for the unique challenges of raising motivated, cooperative and confident boys. Using the stellar techniques Noel has developed over many years of working with families, parents can get back in charge. Living with boys can become calmer, easier and happier.