Camilla Thurlow: ‘I Cried A Lot In The First Couple Of Weeks After Nell Was Born’

'I missed the fact that growing into a mother might be painful and long process too,' says Camilla Thurlow on finding the warrior insider and becoming a mother.

Camilla Thurlow

by Camilla Thurlow |
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“There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors” Adrienne Rich

I cried a lot in the first couple of weeks after Nell was born. I cried because my favourite pyjamas hadn’t dried before bedtime. I cried because we had run out of milk and I wanted a cup of tea. I cried every mid-afternoon as the sun went down and it began to get dark. I cried when someone asked how I was and I was so exhausted that a lump rose in my throat so that I couldn’t get a single word out. I cried as a new mother was born from the independent soul I knew so well before.

I didn’t wear deodorant in those first weeks, I still haven’t worn perfume. All those things that used to make me feel a little more ‘me’. In fact, from the minute you find out you are pregnant, you start to sacrifice things you took for granted. The exercise class you did yesterday is suddenly not recommended today. You can no longer enjoy your favourite blue cheese after dinner, or even roll over onto your front to sleep at night. Then your darling baby arrives, and far from your body being returned to you, it remains bound to the little love of your life. The one you would do anything for. The one you are doing anything for.

The truth is, I knew there would be lots of discomfort during the nine months it takes to grow and birth a baby, but somehow, I had missed the fact that growing into a mother might be painful and long process too. That just because your baby arrives overnight, doesn’t mean the journey to motherhood is complete. That through the blur of sleep deprivation you aren’t just getting to know your baby, you are also having to rediscover yourself. Remoulding everything you thought you knew about yourself around this new purpose.

Those early days of motherhood do sometimes feel impossible.

For me it was a journey of rediscovery. I had a lot of fears about becoming a mother, most notably that I have always struggled with my ability to process my emotions. That I find ups and downs very difficult, and so in turn, have a tendency to hide from the things that might bring about conflicting emotions. It took becoming a mother to allow me to develop my ability to hold pain and happiness together, but that isn’t necessary for everyone. In fact, the more I felt it happen within me, the more I noticed and admired it in the women around me, be that in the way they nurtured their careers, or family, or friendships. Even when it was hard. Even when it was near impossible.

Those early days of motherhood do sometimes feel impossible. How can you be that tired and yet you still look down and feel overwhelmed with love as your baby’s eyes meet your own? How can you feel so overjoyed to be outside when you go for your first walk, yet still be clasping your hands around the pram so tight that the whites of your knuckle show, holding yourself together because it feels like you might fall apart at any moment?

Camilla Thurlow Not The Type
©Camilla Thurlow

It doesn’t mean you are broken, or that you aren’t doing it right. Most of all it doesn’t mean you’re not strong. In fact, it means exactly the opposite. To allow yourself to experience all the sacrifice and joy hand in hand requires immense strength. Motherhood strips back any armour you thought you had, but in turn, it reveals the warrior inside.

When I wrote my memoir last year I poured feelings onto the page about years of not fitting in and how I’ve constantly pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Whether that was training in explosive ordnance disposal and working for the HALO Trust in Cambodia and Zimbabwe, or going into the Love Island villa to confront the sense of social dislocation I felt when I returned. I was at times in awe and sympathetic to my younger self, who always felt like she was struggling and thought she was making all the wrong decisions.

As someone who has always run towards the next difficult challenge in life, motherhood was another one that I felt fearful and excited about in equal measure. Ultimately, it has brought about in me a sense of calm and belonging in the moment, for possibly the first time. Perhaps it’s having a different perspective now, or maybe I’m just older, calmer and wiser, but I wish I could reach through the pages to my 23-year-old self, and say ‘Don’t worry, you’re on your way home’.

Camilla’s memoir Not The Type, Finding Your Place in the Real World is out now in paperback.

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