I’m almost too scared to type this in case I jinx it. But, for the last week, my baby has slept through. Yes, my insomniac baby, whose sleep was so bad my tweet about her went viral, now regularly SLEEPS THROUGH - my two new favourite words. Last night, I actually had a dream. I’d not had a dream for over nine months.
So, what is this magic? I have not drugged my baby, or switched my baby. I didn’t even climb a mountain and sacrifice a small creature to God (though I was totally prepared to do that). However, after the viral tweet, I was contacted by seemingly every sleep expert in the universe offering advice. It took days to go through my emails, but I eventually accepted the help of Sarah Carpenter. Author of Sleep Better Baby and co-host of The Sleep Mum’s podcast, Sarah set up a camera in our nursery and became our in-house sleep expert. She answered every question we had, and told us what to do at every wake. Within days, I had a transformed baby. I’m stunned. And, judging by how many other desperate parents contacted me, I wanted to share all the wisdom* I’ve learnt through the process. Hopefully all of us can experience some sweet REM dreaming soon.
You have to fix more than sleep to get any sleep
In order for a baby to sleep well, all the baby’s other needs have to be met. They must have enough food, active play, and quiet play, in order to conk out properly. Sarah made us keep a diary for 72 hours of everything our baby ate and drank, how often they pooed (with pictures), and their activities. She quickly identified that our baby was slightly constipated, and the discomfort was impacting her sleep. Some stool softener made a huge difference. Sarah also explained that our baby needed plenty of time to practise her crawling, cruising, and standing. With dedicated active play, she would be less likely to try and master these skills at 3am.
Feed them, feed them, and then feed them some more
I was a subscriber to the phrase, 'Calories under one are just for fun,' and had a relaxed approach to weaning. I’d plop some puree into my baby’s mouth, let her lick a sweet potato before chucking it onto the floor, and then call it a day. So it came as a genuine shock to me when the world-famous Gina Ford got in touch to tell me, confidently, without even meeting my baby, that I wasn’t feeding her enough. Gina said babies need to eat between 90g and 150g of solid three times a day. Sarah echoed this, saying it was possible to night wean if I got enough solids into my baby. So we started implementing three meals and two snacks a day, and I was surprised by how much she’d chow down if I kept offering her food. I stuff her with protein and carb-laden food at dinner, and she happily gets through without night feeds. And throughout the day, she’s constantly chomping fruit and oatcakes. Great for my sleep, not so great for my food bill. She eats blueberries like a slot machine.
Introduce quick sleep 'prompts'
Insert a super quick routine to every nap and it’s amazing how quickly a baby learns to associate it with sleep. We started a mini routine of putting her in her sleeping bag, handing her a rabbit comforter, and saying “‘sleepy baby, sleepy baby’ before putting her down. Within days, her eyes would droop at the sight of her sleeping bag. And, she’s now so conditioned, she once accidentally found her rabbit when it dropped onto the carpet, and promptly fell asleep on the floor.
Treat every wake exactly the same
Sarah quickly identified that we weren’t being consistent in how we settled our baby at night, and therefore she didn’t feel truly safe in the cot to self-settle. We’d had an ad-hoc approach - the first wake I’d breastfeed her, but, if she woke again, I’d send in my husband. Alongside night weaning, Sarah taught us a soothing patting technique to get her back to sleep, alongside clear instructions about when to take her out of the cot for a cuddle, when to stop patting, and when to finally take our hands off her and creep out. At first I was nervous that more settling would make the baby more dependent on us to get back to sleep. But, within two nights, we were only patting her for ten minutes before she went down. And, within a week, we didn’t need to go in at all.
Learn how to speak baby noises
Maybe I’ve watched too many TikToks about attachment, but I can’t leave my baby to cry for longer than two seconds. This meant, at even the hint of a whimper, I careered into the nursery to soothe her. But, I’ve since learnt, I was often interfering with her ability to get herself back down. We got taught how to differentiate between baby noises. E.g. If our baby lets out low-pitched grunts and groans, she’s actually between light sleep cycles, and is much more likely to get back down alone without me looming over her, tapping her bum, whispering, 'Mummy’s here, so don’t need therapy when you’re older' . But if she gets more high-pitched, and actually ‘cries’ or, even worse, screams, then we know to race in and comfort her.
Different babies have different sleep needs
Most sleep trainers will give you a downloadable ‘schedule’ telling you when your baby is supposed to be sleeping, and for how long. I think I’d ceremoniously burned three by the time I sent my viral tweet. I cry-laughed whenever I tried putting my baby down for a recommended 'ninety minute mid-morning nap' only for my baby to wake after only thirty. But, it turns out, each individual baby has their own unique set of ‘sleep needs’ which can vary, by age group, up to four hours a day. Sarah very quickly told me the unsurprising news that my baby has 'low sleep needs' and only needs about 12 hours over a twenty-four period to be happy and healthy. Therefore we were totally sabotaging ourselves by trying to get her to do two long naps a day, and expecting a twelve hour stint at night. Knowing my baby simply doesn’t need much sleep has reduced my anxiety. It sucks, but at least I can control where those twelve hours land. We now cap the baby’s morning nap at thirty mins, and at ninety in the afternoon. This means we scrape through overnight. She’s still up by six at the latest but that’s heaven compared to the hellish nights of long nap days.
Embrace the 4/3 rule
The 4/3 rule is literally the most reassuring thing I’ve learned. Sarah basically says expect at least three days of each week to go off-piste. Either the baby does a super short nap, or you need to - shock horror - live your life, and not gear your entire day around ensuring your baby gets the perfect naps, in their cot, at the perfect time. As long as_, four_ days a week, you’re generally meeting your baby’s sleep needs - relax and surrender to the other three days, knowing it’s not a disaster. It just means babies aren’t robots, and we sometimes need to be out of the house between twelve and two pm.
If your baby wakes between 4am and 6am, it just sucks
They have no sleep pressure by then, and their cute, annoying, wide-awake bodies are being pumped with cortisol ready for daybreak. So, if they wake after 4am, surrender to the fact that it’s going to be super hard to get them back down. We’ve managed to get our baby to sleep through mostly til 5.30am (by capping the naps), but there is still the occasional 4:30am start. It’s hell, and you feel like you’ve really KNOWN the day when it’s only 9am, but, realising biology is working against you here and trying to roll with it, helps the anxiety.
The baby might sleep now but that doesn’t mean you will
While it’s been lovely having so many people invested in our sleep dramas, it’s been hard to know what to say when they all say, “Congratulations! Wow. You must be feeling so much better rested now.” The sad truth is…I’m still not sleeping very well. My baby, yes, is mostly sleeping through, but it has broken me getting us here. My body has forgotten how to sleep in long chunks. I startle at every grunt that comes through the monitor, adrenaline raging through me, wondering if I’ll need to go in. And I still don’t *trust* the baby to sleep, and still get the evening fear. Do they make sleep trainers for adults? Cos I think it’s my turn. And I have high sleep needs, thanks very much.
*For babies over six months old, without allergies or underlying medical issues.