It was midway through a busy December when I realised something was amiss. Even though I was working full time and barely had time to breathe, I somehow found myself offering to organise the Christmas gift for the teacher (an offer the non-working mums in the class happily accepted).
You might recognise a version of yourself in that story – you’re the person in your team who others turn to when things go wrong, the friend who organises most nights out, or the one in your family who always plays peacemaker (or host).
Welcome to the world of super helper syndrome, a term coined by psychologists Jess Baker and Rod Vincent, whose new book, The Super-Helper Syndrome - A Survival Guide for Compassionate People, aims to help those with a compulsion to help others, even when they're drowning themselves.
‘Super helper syndrome is where you have this compulsion to step in and help others, or sort out a problem, even when you don’t need to and even if it means not meeting your own needs,’ says author and chartered psychologist Jess Baker.
There are different versions of super helpers and there’s typically one in every family (and workplace); whether it’s the compassionate friend who always plays agony aunt, the overworked mum buckling under the mental load of family life, or the colleague who regularly finds themselves taking on more work (or work that isn't theirs). They tend to be the peacemakers, the fixers, the lift-givers, the gift-buyers, the social secretaries, or the carers. The one thing they have in common is that they are often better at looking after others than they are at looking after themselves.
But while helping others is generally seen as a good thing, there are downsides to being a super helper. ‘When we were interviewing people for the book, a common thread running through their stories was that they were aware of other people's needs but not necessarily their own,’ says Jess. ‘They were the first ones to step in and help others, but who was looking after them? Some of their relationships were one sided, or lopsided. They were continually putting themselves last and their own needs at the very bottom of their to-do list.’
In the book, the authors explain how being a super helper can sometimes be in our DNA, while for others it’s ingrained behaviour. ‘One woman, who was a lawyer, said that the busier she became the more likely she was to say yes to everything.’ The authors also found the syndrome had an overlap with people pleasing, but that there is a distinction: ‘People pleasers want to be liked and fit in,’ says Jess. ‘Research shows that people pleasing is about fitting in, belonging, and accommodating others to seek approval. For the super helper, it’s just about wanting to help and fix problems that nobody else seems to see coming down the tracks, or wants to solve.' Jess says they tend to be organised – and women.
‘There are lots of signs that women are more likely to be super helpers than men, although it’s certainly not just women and lots of men shared stories in our book. But research and anecdote tends to show that women are more socialised to help. This is especially true in households, where we know women carry more of the ‘mental load’ of the house. Even those who work tend to be the ones organising the children, playing the role of social secretary, labelling the PE kits, booking the doctor’s appointments.’
So, what are the signs your helping is becoming unhealthy (for you, at least)? Signs include taking on extra work without extra pay or being available outside your working hours, and regularly not meeting your own needs to help others (ie, not finding the time to relax or exercise). And signs it’s getting too much include resentment, exhaustion and ‘compassion fatigue’ where you begin to become emotionally affected by the trauma of others.
To counter this, the authors suggest delving into why you feel the need to help others, questioning those relationships with friends or family that feel lopsided, setting boundraries, and most importantly – know when to meet your own needs. After all, says Jess: ‘To be a healthy helper you have to help yourself too.’
The Super-Helper Syndrome - A Survival Guide for Compassionate People is out now