I’ve never been one for parenting labels, but this is one I can get on board with… because I am a Scrunchy Mum.
In the last few years, there’s been no shortage of parenting styles, many falling in and out of fashion faster than you can say Mom jeans. There’s Gentle parenting, helicopter parenting, free-range parenting and even, I kid you not, potted plant parenting. That last one is for parents of teens who are told to be ‘seen and not heard’, like the cheese plant in the corner of your living room.
In The Sleep Mums podcast I co-host with baby sleep expert Sarah Carpenter, we take a pick 'n' mix attitude to parenting. And we think most parents feel the same. We just want to do what works, when it works for us - and that can change on the daily.
That brings me to being a Scrunchy Mum. It doesn’t mean, as I first thought, that you wear your hair in some sort of messy up-do (also me), but it's a cross between being a Crunchy Mum and a Silky Mum. If you're unfamiliar with TikTok parenting tribes, Crunchy Mums are all homeopathic medicine, cloth nappies and making their own granola (which explains the crunchiness). A Silky Mum does anything to make life as easy, or smooth, as possible - she doesn’t do discipline, but does do takeaways five nights a week.
While there is nothing wrong with either – zero judgement here - many of the all-or-nothing parenting philosophies can feel like they set us up for failure. We know that from working with thousands of families, and our own lives, with six kids between us ranging in age from one to 11 years old.
Our most popular Scrunchy Mum sleep tips are about giving choice. You want to co-sleep and settle your baby without feeding? We can help you do that. You’d like to combo-feed? We’re here for that, too. You want to 'contact nap' during the day but crib sleep at night? We get it. You can take from both sides, and decide what works best for you and your family.
I think that’s what appeals most about being a Scrunchy Mum. Trying to stick to one singular kind of parenting style is pretty impractical. It’s about doing what works for you at that moment in time, because things change rapidly when it comes to our kids. It’s natural to be drawn to certain parenting styles that sound like they might fit our personalities or values but, even on our best days, we are not robots and neither are our children. Even ones that came out of the same loading bay!
I care about being a good parent and I want to raise kind, resilient and independent kids. But I also want to enjoy parenting. And parts of it are really hard.
I breastfed my babies to toddlerhood, but they also had formula. I loved carrying my kids in a sling but couldn’t live without the buggy, nor could my back. They have co-slept and cot-slept. My children have had home-cooked, freezer-stashed, organic and takeaway dinners. We use disposable nappies but reusable wipes. I’m very, very grateful for Calpol.
One of the most important things about being a Scrunchy parent, I think, is feeling confident in your own decisions. On any given day, as a mum, I have to make hundreds of choices for and about my child. I need to weigh up all the information I have, including how my child is feeling, where I’m at in my cycle and how we all slept last night. Sometimes I make mistakes and I don’t do what I ‘should’ be doing, especially according to TikTok. But that’s ok.
It’s more than ok. It’s parenting.
So if you’re a Scrunchy Mum too, I couldn’t be happier than being stuck in the middle with you.
Cat Cubie and Sarah Carpenter are hosts of parenting podcast The Sleep Mums and authors of Sleep Better Baby. Find them on Instagram @thesleepmums
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