Would You Apologise To Your Ex – Years After A Split?

How do you feel, when you think about that ex? Does your stomach drop, or is it suddenly full of butterflies? Does the thought of seeing them again fill you with panic? Anger? Excitement? How about the idea of apologising to them? Depending on who you ask, the pressure to stay on good terms with your ex – or completely ignore their existence – can be suffocating.

This week celeb-land has thrown up examples of two conveniently polarised approaches, running the gamut of exes scorned and scorning both. First, Selena Gomez seems to have spent the weekend deleting old posts to and/or about her ex, Justin Bieber. While they were together – way back in the misty past of 2018 when they rekindled their on-off romance for the last time – Gomez posted a birthday tribute to JB: ‘March 1, 1994 someone I know that happens to be super cool was born. Boom.’ Cute. Of course, since then, it’s been all change: Justin is not only coupled up but newly married to Hailey Baldwin, and the online saga of his romantic switch from one starlet to another was charted with forensic detail by fans – and detractors. After Baldwin was subjected to hate online, suggesting that she would always be ‘second best’ to Bieber’s ex, he wrote ‘I absolutely loved and love Selena she will always hold a place in my heart, but I am head over heels in love with my wife and she is absolutely the BEST THING that has ever happened to me period’ on an Instagram story this March. Suddenly, and more than a year after first posting her birthday wishes, Selena has deleted the post from her Instagram grid. Ties? Cut.

So: while Justin still ‘loves’ Selena, she looks to be closing that chapter – publicly, and presumably privately. On the other end of the spectrum, we have Russell Brand who – in a very My Name Is Earl bid to make peace with the universe – has reportedly planned to meet ex-wife Katy Perry to apologise and ‘make amends’ for his behaviour when they were together. At the time of their divorce in 2012, the party line went that the pair had split owing to conflicting/overpacked schedules. A source told The Sun, however, that Russell ‘wants to say sorry — in particular for the way it ended which was mostly his doing. He also wants to apologise for his moods and jealousy.’ Also reporting that Brand has ‘permission’ from both his current wife Laura Gallacher, and Perry’s fiancé Orlando Bloom, it’s hard to argue that the whole business – while unusual – sounds terribly civilised.

READ MORE: Shocking Celebrity Break Ups

Russell Brand’s past struggles with addiction are no secret, but eagle-eyed spectators might spot a hint of the AA’s famous 12 Step Programme for recovery in his bid to make right what had been done wrong. In fact, Russell came up with his own version for his 2017 book ‘Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions’. They happen to include:

-Prepare to apologise to everyone for everything affected by your being so fucked up.

-Now apologise. Unless that would make things worse.

Whatever your stance on the 12 Steps, I reckon there’s a lot to be said for those two. Of course, sometimes ripping something from its root is the only way to move on – but that’s not always true, and can even be a way to avoid looking squarely at our own behaviour. Hey, break ups are traumatic – why pile unresolved anger on top of that pain, when an adult conversation (with some distance) would relieve so much of it? Look, you’ve been Katy – and you’ve probably been Russell, in or outside a relationship. It’s pride that tends to hold us back from laying cards on tables and eating our words, but that emotion is equally applicable to people who owe us an apology. We bump along through the world, being hurt and hurting others – and while that’s a given, the apology which should follow is almost always absent. In fact, the bigger the wound, the less likely its salve will be offered: ‘sorry’ after knocking someone on the tube falls easily from most tongues, but finding the words (or the humility) to admit to someone that you’ve done something unforgivable is one of the hardest parts of being, um, a human. Significant others are called that for a reason: however acrimonious a relationship’s end, it came after months or years of shared interests and reference points; friends; experience. When we throw out a history, we shed the good along with the bad.

Of course, Brand’s rules come with a caveat: apologise, ‘unless that would make things worse’. There’s wisdom in letting sleeping dogs lie as much as in placating them, and apologies which only make you feel better can be more selfish than keeping schtum. While the pressure of maintaining appearances on social media for us mere mortals seems unfairly tough, it’s only distilled under the magnifying glass of celebrity. Whether you’re a Selena, or a Russell, it’s worth taking a moment to see what reaction follows the knee jerk or conventional wisdom. One of the wisest things my mum ever said to me, after a tearful late night ‘but I still love him!’ was, ‘well, you probably always will.’ And that’s ok – in fact, it’s a good thing. Difficult conversations are worth having, and people you loved are largely worth loving: call your ex if you want to, offer an apology or demand one. Most likely, both will be in order.