When I heard about the Punching Above Your Weight competition run recently by a radio station in Newcastle, I assumed it was to do with the machines that Desperate Dan is depicted breaking when he goes to the fun fair. You know, you whack it with a hammer and it lights up and tells you how strong you are. And if you’re Desperate Dan, it breaks and the funfair owner marches over and starts chasing him, as detailed steam clouds are shown spiralling from his ears.
But the reality is a bit more grim. The winner of the contest, Darren Donaghey, nabbed first prize because he’d managed to acquire a beautiful blonde girlfriend named Kate, while looking - and I say this in the interests of kindness and not journalistic accuracy - like the result of a lacklustre union between Diags from TOWIE and a plastic carrier bag that has been filled to bursting with other, scrunched up plastic carrier bags. 'It’s not unusual to be out when other guys start to chat Kate up, thinking I can’t possibly be with her,' poor old Darren told Metro, who is hopefully thinking 'In your face! This exploit has just won us both a romantic trip to Greece, which negates the fact that my family will probably take the mickey out of me forever more.'
I don’t begrudge anyone a holiday, but I do think that it’s odd that this competition exists. When was the last time you congratulated a lady mate for 'doing well' because she’d hooked up with someone much hotter than her? (Obviously you’d do it in your head, it would be rude to say it out loud). But it just doesn’t come up that often. Let’s look at the celebrity examples, or lack of.
I recently watched, and thoroughly enjoyed Anna Nicole on Lifetime - the biopic of the beautiful Playboy model who famously married nonagenarian billionaire J Howard Marshall. Deathlessly hot blonde meets wealthy pickled walnut lookalike - it’s a tale as old as time. I’m struggling to think of any lady versions of J Howard Marshall. When we need to see an older lady with a hot young stud, we look at old pictures of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Only, in that instance, no-one could congratulate Demi on punching above her weight. Ashton is a cutie, for sure, but Demi is Venus in bikini bottoms.
One woman I spoke to as part of an attempt to unravel this Aimee, 26, says this situation doesn’t just affect the famouses. 'I’m single at the moment, but I’ve definitely been out with guys that, if I’m honest, I wasn’t totally attracted to,' she says. 'I’m really worried that dismissing someone because of the way they look makes me shallow, and I’m a big believer in giving everyone a chance and seeing their inner beauty. I was a late bloomer, and no-one ever, ever fancied me when I was growing up, so I know what it’s like to be rejected because of your appearance and Idon’t feel like I’m in a position to do that to anyone else.'
I can’t quite shake the idea that he’ll be looking at me thinking "Why is she even trying to talk to me?"'
She admits that her own insecurities haven’t entirely gone away. 'I consider myself confident, but I struggle to approach guys - especially hot ones. If someone looks quite normal, I can have a conversation with them, but if a guy is gorgeous I turn into a nervous, stammering idiot. I can’t quite shake the idea that he’ll be looking at me thinking "Why is she even trying to talk to me?"'
It sounds like we’re still hungover from the time when we relied on men to provide us with economic security, and they relied on us to be gorgeous and fertile, providing them with beautiful children. But it could be connected with confidence too. There have been countless studies proving what we already know - thanks to the way we’re all socialised, men are more likely to be raised believing that they’re entitled to anything they reach out for, whether it’s a top job or a gorgeous girl. But women hold back, say “you first!”, fear they’re not good enough and second guess themselves constantly. We’re always being told to worry about our own attractiveness. It’s hard to stop thinking about that for long enough to feel secure about scoring a really hot guy. And maybe, sub consciously, for some women, dating someone slightly less attractive is a sad way of feeling secure and shoring up their own self confidence.
Thanks to the way we’re all socialised, men are more likely to be raised believing that they’re entitled to anything they reach out for, whether it’s a top job or a gorgeous girl
I think another problem is that women are never really taught how to ask men out. We’re not stupid, and we’re slowly getting there. Thanks to Tinder and its internet brethren, we’ve been able to remove some of the barriers that prevent us from chatting up hot men in real life. As my friend Claire, 28, puts it: 'It sounds really crass, but I love how online dating has helped me to learn to objectify men. You see so many pictures of guys that you don’t get overwhelmed by anyone’s good looks - your senses are dulled a bit. And you soon learn that someone can look hot in a photo, and disappointing in real life, or vice versa. It’s not so much that I feel more comfortable approaching men who are out of my league as that I’ve started to feel that there is no league. And really fit guys can still be awkward, shy, or terrible at messaging. It’s a great leveller.'
'It sounds really crass, but I love how online dating has helped me to learn to objectify men'
We’ve spent too long standing about and hoping someone notices how pretty we are. We haven’t allowed ourselves to notice the prettiness of our potential paramours, because we don’t want to get our hopes up and risk rejection. But if Darren and Kate have a message for us, it’s that we need to start raising our game. Most men would be thrilled if we approached them, regardless of whether they look like Ryan Gosling or an actual, small, furry gosling. Men and women all have much more to bring to a relationship than beauty, but if the power within a partnership is to become more balanced, it’s vital that women of all shapes and sizes feel as comfortable and confident about dating ludicrously hot men as their male counterparts do about seeing hot women.
There’s much more to life than looks, but avoiding gorgeous guys is definitely a form of discrimination. If someone is beautiful, that doesn’t stop them from being funny, smart and kind too. So don’t assume someone isn’t for you if they are especially muscular of arm and symmetrical of face. Who knows - it might even win you a holiday.
Follow Daisy on Twitter @notrollergirl
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.