At some point in the next 12 months, I shall be planning my hen party. Like many women before me, I have ambitious plans. There shall be booze and posh crisps. Perhaps in a country house setting. We’ll be witty and erudite, and sip icy martinis while discussing the most recent Booker longlist. There will be no penises, no penis-shaped head decorations, no pink straws with a testicle attachment, and no raised eyebrows during the arrival of my pre-ordered massive sausage platter.
However, I have a spooky feeling that when the time comes, I will find myself wearing a giant phallic hat, being escorted into a chain nightclub with a '70s theme, singing: ‘WILLIES AND KNOBS! WILLIES AND KNOBS! LA LA LA! WILLIES AND KNOBS!’ until a police officer comes over for a quick word, and I make a very personal enquiry about the texture of his scrotum.
Hen parties do not bring out our classier qualities. A recent Sun ‘probe’ discovered that a fifth of women attending hen parties cheat on their partners, thinking of it as ‘a free pass to play away’. Are you surprised? We know that en masse, hens have a tendency to get a bit… Raucous. This video of a hen party bus that became wedged into the road on a Soho side street shows the women on board have reached a terrifying pitch of excitement.
American psychologist Beth Montermurro thinks this current vibe is inspired by the tales of stag partiesm where proceedings go awry and grooms get ‘treated’ to strippers, sex and sordid activities. (So if nothing else, are The Sun’s findings a triumph for gender equality?) 'In the US, they are clearly modelled on the bachelor party and women wanted to do what they perceived men to be doing, feeling they deserved to be doing something that was more fun [than the traditional bridal shower],’ Beth explains.
If he’s going to have some strange woman’s breasts in his face, why shouldn’t I get in on the action?
Anna*, 29, a teacher, agrees. ‘I know my boyfriend has been on some questionable stags. I don’t think he’s actually slept with anyone, but he’s definitely been involved when organising strippers and things. My mate got married a few months ago, and I organised the hen. She wanted a fairly quiet dinner, but I persuaded her to get a male stripper. I know my boyfriend wasn’t comfortable with it, but he just had to deal. If he’s going to have some strange woman’s breasts in his face, why shouldn’t I get in on the action?’
Sophia*, 25, a student, reveals that she’s been on hen parties that got out of hand. ‘It’s being in a big group. You’re all drunk and out together, and you do stuff that you wouldn’t dream of doing on a normal occasion. My best friend from school just got married, so at the hen do, we reverted to our 16-year-old selves. We got really lairy, and although the bride didn’t pull, she was dancing with other guys in a way that was definitely a bit questionable. A few women went home with other guys and I know they have boyfriends.'
My best friend from school just got married, so at the hen do, we reverted to our 16-year-old selves
Jasmin*, 27, attended a hen party where she watched women strip. ‘We thought male strippers were cheesy, and it would be more fun to go to a traditional club,’ she says. ‘Although most of us are straight, we definitely got off on watching the women, as well as enjoying the level of male attention that was directed at us by the other customers. We had a great night, but we all felt a bit weird about it afterwards. Everything was a bit too sexual. I don’t think strip clubs support women, as employees or punters, and we were all performing for free, because we wanted the men to watch us watching the dancers. No one came out of it well. If I could go back to the time when we were planning it, I’d try to persuade everyone to go to the pub instead.’
The idea of a sexy hen night chills me. I’m getting married to my boyfriend because I want to be with him. If I wanted to look at and touch an array of strange penises that badly, I’d stay single. However, I understand that whether you’re 13 or nearly 30, peer pressure prevails, and if you’ve had enough to drink, you might find yourself at the mercy of the pals who are prepared to egg you on. If you’re coming to my hen do, here’s a compromise. Promise me that there will be no strippers, and I will happily spend the duration of the evening wearing the world’s biggest penis-shaped hat.
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Picture: Rory DCS
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.