Unless you work in the land of fairies, arguments are going to happen at work. Thinking about it, even working in the land of fairies doesn’t give you a free pass on work arguments because – oh no! An evil man has come to destroy fairyland, and only some effective negotiations will stop him!
Your inability to win work arguments just killed all the fairies. Nice one, dickhead.
But don’t worry, because we’ve got an expert in to help you get through desk-side conflict without crying or getting annihilated by your sparring-partner. First, though, it’s worth mentioning the different types of disagreement that can spring up at a moment’s notice – as shown in this pyramid (known as Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement)
This is useful because you can see exactly how to go about laying into someone when they start laying into you – ie always back it up with reasoning and supporting evidence, rather than saying, ‘You are an ass hat’. And, even better, if you can disagree with their whole point via backed up evidence, then you’ll win an argument immediately.
Also, this helps to deal with hurtful/disagreeable comments that fly your way too: things like ,‘You are an asshat’ aren’t often said in professional settings – but people can lay insults on you without substantiating anything. Like, ‘You don’t do your job properly’. If they can’t back it up, then they’re just venting hot air and that’s the same as ‘You’re an asshat’, so you should just let it slide off you like water off a duck’s back. A duck that happens to be in your office.
Letting go of empty ‘you’re an asshat’ statements will help prevent arguments forming for no reason, and help you master the main technique for winning an argument: dispelling the tension. As well as kicking the other person’s ass.
We spoke to assertiveness expert and all-round great guy Dr Michael Guttridge, a chartered psychologist, to find out exactly how to wipe the floor with your opponent, metaphorically.
Status matters
The hard thing is, you might still lose your argument even if you employ all of these tips like a master, because it’s a lot about status. ‘You might not win for status reasons, or because of the rubbish interpersonal stuff that goes on in offices, but you have to walk away with dignity, knowing you did the best you could. Don’t let the buggers grind you down!’
Quite. But there are certainly ways you can improving your workplace debating techniques so as to keep the tension to a minimum and ensure you don’t start a full-on fistfight over sales figures.
‘Body language is very important. When you’re involved in a confrontation, and you’re sitting down while the other person stands, always ask them to take a seat. If they don’t, then stand. Make sure you’re on the same level as them, because people associate height with power,’ he says, sagely.
‘Confident stances to adopt during an argument involve standing or sitting fully upright, legs slightly apart, and not getting in people’s personal space,’ says Dr Guttridge.
It’s also about calmly telling the other person what you want them to do, and how you want them to act – for example, telling them if they’re invading your personal space. Ask them coolly to step back, or to give you some room. Don’t yell ‘GET OUT OF MY FACE’ and burst into tears. Which leads us nicely into how to not burst into tears during a fiery debate.
Don’t cry
‘Frustration tears are very, very common and it’s a source of annoyance, especially when it’s women arguing with men,’ says Dr Guttridge. ‘Because suddenly you’ve proved their point – oh, you’re an emotional woman – and you’ll lose your power. Always best to break the mood, and buy yourself time so you don’t get upset.’
A good way of doing this, to ensure you don’t let tears ruin your excellently cogent points, is to excuse yourself from the room. But not in a dramatic way, in a really normal, ‘OK, so let’s talk about this over some coffee’ way. Or even in a ‘I’m going to the loo’ way.
‘If you say it’s not a good time right now, let’s talk about this over a coffee later, then you can pick somewhere not on their territory and not on your territory,’ says Dr Guttridge. ‘Find somewhere neutral, and if they won’t let you do that, then that’s not fair. Respond by telling them firmly that you’re not going to continue this confrontation, you’ve offered to do it at a better time, and walk away.
‘That’ll make them frustrated and you’ll be on the front foot.’ Nice.
Don’t start shouting
If you’re not someone who cries, but someone prone to yelling the place down, then... don'’. Like, really, really don’t do this because you’ll be known forevermore as ‘shouty woman who did all that shouting’ and it might come back to bite you.
‘The moment you’ve shouted back at the person, you’ve lost,’ Dr Guttridge adds. ‘Because now you’re just as bad as them. In the workplace, it’s about walking away with your dignity intact and breaking the mood.’
In terms of breaking the mood, it can mean a quick toilet break or a glass of water just to collect your thoughts (as already discussed), but it can also mean literally just moving somewhere. ‘I always tell people this, when they’re feeling threatened, they need to move. Even if it’s sitting down when you were standing up. Or stepping across the room. Just break out of that space you’re in, and it’ll immediately help. I tell people to do this when they’re doing public speaking, too.’
Negative enquiry all over the place
So you’ve figured out how to utilise breaks, how to move around, and how to stand, but what about what to actually say? There are a number of techniques in books, but they’re usually quite outdated and easily recognisable – ‘Like when men touch women on the arm when trying to get them to do something; it’s so, so obvious and patronising’ – but there are ways you can win an argument through the power of your words without resorting to these ham-fisted approaches.
‘There’s a good technique called negative enquiry, which is where someone is criticising you in an argument using general terms. Don’t say they’re wrong, but ask for more information. What specifically was it that you didn’t do right? What specifically did you do wrong? If they’re just venting, then they’ll look silly.’
Other top tips are pointing out that this argument isn’t productive for the team, asking the other person for hard evidence, and making sure you don’t shout or swear. ‘You don’t want to play their game, you want to be playing your own game,’ says Dr Guttridge. ‘And if you feel like you’re about to lose it – then take some deep breaths. It’s a cliché for a reason.’
Finally, make sure you keep it work-related, because personal arguments are harder to come back from. If someone gets personal, simply tell them what they’re doing, and ask that they bring it back to professionalism. Which will make you sound like a boss.
‘Personal arguments are a lot more corrosive than workplace arguments, because it’s less about your performance and more about you,’ says Dr Guttridge. ‘It’s always harder to hear criticisms of ourselves than our work.’
So make sure you don’t get personal. That way you have a leg to stand on when they call you an asshat during a discussion about targets and you can calmly say, ‘Well, I’ve kept this professional, and you’ve managed to get personal’ followed by Dr Guttridge’s favourite throw-in line: ‘… and if I agree with you about this, then we’ll both be wrong.’
1-0 to you. Now go dispel that tension, put down those people calling you an asshat, and dominate that board room.
Like this? You might also be interested in...
‘I Didn’t Want To Get To 40 And Have No Memories’ – Meet The Twentysomethings Rejecting The Rat Race
How To Save Your Mug From Your Shitty Mug-Stealing Colleagues
Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.