1. Have I had enough sex?
Having enough penises in your repertoire is always a bit of a central concern - more than likely a product of our over-sexualised porn culture, which dictates that everyone is shagging furiously, having the best sex of their lives. Even though you sort of know that’s not true, because your single friends are some of the thirstiest sex-starved women you know, you can’t help but wonder about all those experiences you might be missing out on.
2. What if I’m missing out on orgasms?
This is related to the previous point, buying into that myth that not only is everyone having loads of sex, but they’re having really good sex. Newsflash: they’re not necessarily.
3. Will we be poor?
When you start going out with someone you really couldn’t care less what they spend their money on because, really, who cares? As soon as you’ve been together for a while though, you’ll start getting all Sherlock Holmes about spending and side-eye your partner every time they buy an expensive jacket or spunk their money on something equally banal. This can only lead to a freakout about how you should get out of the relationship, because the only future you have together is one where you’re both going to be destitute on the street begging for change while wearing Kenzo jumpers.
4. Will our kids be ugly?
If you’ve ever done that Future Baby’s Face app (the one where it tries to predict what your baby's face will look like based on merging pictures of you and your partner)? It will no doubt have come out with a horrific monster of a child. Even though it’s only a joke, you can’t shake the feeling that you are both fundamentally wrong for each other because you have weird features, which would only make disgusting spawn.
5. Will I have to explain policy to them for the rest of my life?
It’s always kind of an issue when the dynamic is that one of you is cleverer than the other. Partly because you have this fear that you'll probably have to handle the bulk of the childcare in case he raises a dangerous idiot. But also because every time you watch Question Time you have to pause it and explain why the Bedroom Tax isn’t something we should support. Could you do this for like, the REST.OF.YOUR.LIFE? Short answer: no.
6. Will I have to make friends with his mum?
The only mum I can stand in any capacity is my own. As soon as other mums try to interfere with your life it’s so easy to get all: ‘You know what I don’t care that you think I should cook more… I’m never marrying into your family… everyone’s a freak anyway… leave me alone.’ And end up breathless. And filled with unnecessary hatred.
7. Wedding??
The idea of potentially becoming addicted to wedding-porn like Pinterest-addicted brides-to-be is enough to make most girls want to call off the whole relationship. More than that though, you do seriously start feeling the crushing weight of marriage pressure after you’ve been with someone for a while and everyone starts asking you constantly whether you want a ring. Because it’s like they’ve planted a seed. And suddenly you’re on Pinterest doing random searches for fantasy wedding dresses.
8. Do I even have any friends any more?
There’s two ways of being a prick to your friends when you’re in a relationship. The first is when you’re in the initial throes of lust and all you want to do is bone in every possible position and stare at their face all day. The second is when you’ve been with someone for ages and you’ve become so comfortable with the routine you just can’t really be arsed to leave the house and dress up to see your friends. Both these scenarios end in the ultimate freak-out: that you’ve been such a prick to your friends you don’t have any anymore.
9. Can I ever escape?
When you’re in your 20s, the pressure of feeling like you’re supposed to be out finding yourself in New York is so strong that you resent a life which is shared with someone else. Those fantasies of escape are an inevitable byproduct of a generation with no work/life balance and even though you know all you really need is probably just a weekend away or a bath or something, you still start hating your partner for holding you back.
10. Am I wasting my youth?
I mean, this is what it all ultimately boils down to, isn’t it? You’re anxious about growing old before your time, about sharing a bank account and having to listen to their jokes for the rest of your life and having no friends and ~settling~ and all that other shit that is just your own misplaced anxiety. You’re not. It’s ok.
Stop freaking out – and go on Tinder. It’ll show you what you’re most definitely not missing out on.
Follow Kieran on Twitter @kieran_yates
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.