Ah, summer. Long, sunny days spent on the beach, frolicking in the surf and... earnestly watching YouTube videos to find out what to wear to make your husband pays for you. No? Well, tell that to Anna Bey, helpful founder of the School of Affluence – a YouTube channel dedicated to informing us all of how we can wangle our way into "high society" and become "jet-set babes". That last phrase is, of course, employed by Bey regularly and without irony.
The latest video instructs women on how to look "elegant and classy" on the beach. You may have thought the beach was a place where you could finally relax, consume the 14 books you haven't had time to read and maybe enjoy some frosé. You were wrong. The beach, as every jet-set babe knows, is the place to showcase one's elite credentials, largely through the use of a Pucci kaftan, some Hermès sandals and a Chanel beach bag. Don't even thinking about going to Zara.
According to Bey, you really should think carefully about your swimwear. Unless you've had a "breast augmentation", a triangle bikini may not be for you. And do you bloat after eating? Then obviously don't go to the beach after lunch. "Rubber flip-flops"? How could you? To emphasise how heinous this would be, Bey uses a helpful photo montage of Olivia Palermo, wearing flip-flops. Has she even seen The City? Good luck with that.
Anyway, after Bey imparts some very helpful information, like "Rough polyester is a no-go... there are different grades to polyester", she ends on what can only be described as a bit of a bum note. Defending her expensive choice of "beachwear", Bey says: "A lot of times, ladies ask me 'how am I going to finance this?' Well, this is the thing. An affluent lifestyle requires finances." Oh, what? Just when I thought I could look elegant and classy on the beach, without resorting to rough polyester. But don't worry, Bey has a strategy for getting your hands on "affluence", and it's essentially a feminist mantra in itself:
"Of course, you can acquire all this by yourself through hard work and through saving money and so on. But you can also have a man spoiling you, looking after you, your husband paying for you and so on."
Well, just in case you're not heading to Skegness this weekend in order to ensnare a millionaire (what? You're not?) then you could always consider this alternative: wear whatever the hell you want, as long as it makes you feel great. Maybe that's one of these from the new class of 2019, all of whom are making a serious case for sustainability.