TOWIE is the Big Kahuna of UK reality shows. Before the Wrights and the Faierses, we had to look to over The Hills to LA in order to get our voyeuristic scripted kicks. But it’s hard to remember the time Before Brentford - TOWIE is now 12 series old, and some of the faces on last night’s finale are as established a part of the telly landscape as the indentation made by Louis Walsh’s buttocks on his X Factor judging chair. The only difference between TOWIE and X Factor is that everyone judges, and is judged, and no-one has to sit on a special chair to do so.
Does TOWIE, as a flagship reality show, have a responsibility to move with the times? For us, it’s started to feel a bit old fashioned. East of London, sexually active women seem to face more horrible consequences than they might if they were starring in a Victorian public information film that was created to be shown in unmarried mother’s homes.
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Poor Ferne McCann is frequently shamed for being a bit ‘free spirited’. We know she’s supposed to be a bit of a goer because she allegedly spent time alone with Russell Brand. Not long ago Ferne’s on-and-off boyfriend Charlie went to Vegas and caned the All-You-Can-Sex buffet and worked his way through more ladies than Homer Simpson can eat pounds of shrimp. (If you don’t watch it regularly, Charlie’s the one where you’re not sure if he has head hair, or a browning damp flannel that was found under a radiator when he went to get the Christmas decorations out of the loft.) After his romp, Charlie was subjected to little moral indigestion - nothing that couldn’t be taken care of by a couple of Rennies and a stern word from Nanny Pat. When Ferne has sex outside a relationship, she gets social Noro.
Gemma Collins, is frequently and offensively described as ‘bubbly’, ‘curvaceous’ and ‘larger than life’ because she has been stage directed by producers who have told her that overweight women need to be loud, proud and clad in hot pink ponchos
Then there’s Gemma Collins, who is frequently and offensively described as ‘bubbly’, ‘curvaceous’ and ‘larger than life’ because she has been stage directed by producers who have told her that overweight women need to be loud, proud and clad in hot pink ponchos festooned with pom poms. Gemma is supposed to be a little older and wiser than the rest of the gang, so it was a bit sad to see her weeping over her ex boyfriend Arg, who eats all his food fried, in metre tall towers, can’t drive, and thinks ‘top banter’ can be had from being mean to other people’s mums at weddings.
Gemma’s love rival is Lydia, who is as successful as she is beautiful (I bought one of her dresses from ASOS and if someone as scruffy as me will wear a TOWIE frock, Lydia has a license to print money.) Lydia accidentally slept with Arg, saying she tried to resist him because she had been eating Doritos. 'We wouldn't have been doing that if we thought we were going to kiss, because Doritos give you cheesy breath.' Arg is hoping to plan all his future happiness on one hydrogenated corn based mistake, and it looks like Lydia might let him. The heart knows what it wants, but it breaks mine to see someone as fabulous as her being worn down by someone as persistent as him. Can’t she just accept that the crisps made her unexpectedly horny, and move on?
Almost all the women seem smart, together, and invested in their futures, but they’re ruled by a collection of man-children
The TOWIE aesthetics have never bothered me. Men seem to struggle and spend as much money on women on their looks, and everyone seems to be comfortable in their discomfort. They prefer the sensation of multi-lash eyelid drag to weightless blinking, they have total autonomy over every bit of their bodies, which can be firmed up, inflated and then covered with tattoos. They have made their peace with the fact that all their towels must be brown, and white sofas can be admired from a distance, but never, ever sat on.
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But the relationship rules of the show are sexist. Almost all the women seem smart, together, and invested in their futures, but they’re ruled by a collection of man-children who all operate under the same ‘lad’s code’, which is essentially the same as the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles but with multiple stranger sex in tawdry hotel rooms instead of crime fighting (but just as much pizza.) TOWIE needs to match up the women with men who are worthy of them, or it needs to let Ferne and her friends off the hook and enjoy as much consequence free fun as their male counterparts. I’m excited to see what goes down in the next series, but can we hope for a run of episodes where women are allowed a role beyond the ho’ or the harridan?
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.