At my school, there was a strict hierarchy about friends. You could have several close ones, but only one best friend, and they couldn’t be besties with anyone else. is was the top friendship in the pyramid, the one to be guarded jealously.
I worshipped my best friend and spent 10 years being grateful to have ‘won’ her. But there was a complexity to the relationship that only a teenager has the energy for, fraught with drama and hurt feelings. As I grew up, the ‘best friend’ label fell away. In my twenties, people used it more loosely, often about several people. Others hung around in larger groups that were free from the jealousy of our teen years. The ‘best friend’ requirement started to feel childish, a bit needy and possessive. In my thirties, my friendship pattern has changed again. The big groups have shrunk, as people move away, start families and simply lose touch.
According to anthropologist Dr Robin Dunbar, we only have the brain capacity to maintain relationships with 150 people max. That’s everyone from your mother to your dentist. There are levels of friendship, and the numbers reduce as the relationships get closer. The very top tier only tends to consist of five people. More can make those individual friendships less intimate; fewer can mean you have to get all your companionship from too small a pool. Close friendships, if they’re healthy, can easily survive rivals for the title. By this age, it’s comforting to know you have pals who offer different things. But it’s worth thinking about how to get the balance right. Here’s my take on who the ideal five friends are...
1. The Local One
This might sound like a low bar to set for friendship, but it’s important to have someone you love nearby for celebrations, commiserations and everything in- between. Some of my best friendship- building moments happened in a pub that was exactly halfway between my house and that of a mate. We weren’t that close when we first went for drinks, but the hours spent chatting over wine cemented our friendship in record time. We found a kinship that thrived because we could always meet so spontaneously. It’s such a joy to have a friend who’s two minutes away and ready to meet you, feed your cat or let you crash when you’ve lost your keys.
2. The One Who Shares Your Interest In Pottery
It doesn’t have to be pottery. It can be cooking, poker, cycling, fashion. But it’s important to have a common-interests mate who’ll be excited when you suggest going to the new Dior exhibition/a yoga class. It’s well known that you’re more likely to be successful with a hobby or resolution if you have a friend to keep you company, and that’s true of any interest. When I started running in earnest, I wouldn’t have kept it up were it not for friends who also loved the runner’s high but dreaded heading out on a wet Saturday morning. We successfully spurred each other on.
3. The Old One
This is the mate who tells new people that you’ve been friends since you cried at Aladdin/peed yourself on the climbing frame/tried to lick the cat. You might not have chosen this person to be such close friends with as a grown-up, but don’t neglect them just because other people have come into your life. is person knows your bones. They knew you before you knew yourself really, and they stuck around. There’s a comfort in those ties to the past, especially when you feel lonely or anxious about the future. They will also know how to tease you better than anyone, so be warned. I have this friend in the form of my two sisters. They have been around for every joy and failure, and loved me through it all. Our nicknames hark back to infancy, and I feel the embrace of a happy childhood whenever I’m around them.
4. The Intimidating One
By this, I don’t mean scary or threatening. I came across this friend 10 years ago. She was the brightest person I’d ever met, with a razor-sharp wit and a capacity to cut through bullshit with ease. I instantly fell in love with her, and she remains as dazzling today. The intimidating part comes because she’s just so brilliant, despite not really seeing it herself. But instead of this making me insecure, I feel like I rise up to meet her when I see her. I try harder in my work and my life because I see what she does. It’s amazing to watch her grow, and it makes me less likely to slack myself. Someone who challenges you to do bigger and better things is a precious friend. Make sure she’s happy to watch crap TV with you occasionally, too. We all need a break.
5. The One Who Gets What’s Going On Inside Your Head
This friend is vital for me, and given that so many of us will be affected by mental illness, you’ll probably need this support too. If you don’t, maybe you’re the friend who can provide it. When your brain feels broken, having someone around who loves you is so important. But it’s no use if they don’t understand what’s going on in your mind. This is only achieved by you being open about your problems, but some mates will still find it difficult to know what to say.
That doesn’t mean cutting them off, just make sure you’ve got a friend who checks in with you, can tell when you’re slipping, makes you laugh when it seems impossible. I’ve got a friend who used to distract me on the phone whenever I had panic attacks, and I’d return the favour. Life gets thornier as we get older. Make sure you’ve got people to lean on.
‘Jog On’ by Bella Mackie (£12.99, William Collins_) is out now_