Things You’ll Know If You’ve Hosted A Dinner Party

Notting Hill

by Edwina Langley |
Published on

So your housemates are away, you have the place all to yourself and suddenly you have a brainwave.

Wouldn't it be nice to throw a dinner party! To impress your friends with all the tips you've picked up over years of MasterChef and Bake Off.

All you need do is channel your inner Nigella, and job's a good'un'...

Fast-forward a few days and you're elbow deep in butter, there's a thin veil of flour covering every surface of your kitchen, and your first guest is banging on the door to be let in.

Things you'll know if you've ever hosted a dinner party...

  1. Discovering that you now have to ask people if they have any dietary requirements prior to the day – because half your friends are now gluten intolerant, 'off' dairy, or vegan – which they only tell you when you lay your piping hot homemade lasagne in front of them.

  2. Finding out that buying ingredients from scratch is actually REALLY expensive. You begin to realise why you pay so much in restaurants.

  3. Shopping for wine and wondering if you can get away with the stuff on offer.

  4. Starting off neatly, everything in order, following the recipe... and ending up shoving it all in just to get it done.

  5. Fixating on the oven window, hoping beyond hope that the smoke you're seeing is 'normal' – and telling any concerned guests that you're dish has to have 'smokey elements'...

  6. In fact, praying your oven sees the night through because this is the most action it's had since you moved in – 4 years ago.

  7. That awful moment when you spend 2 seconds chatting to a friend and another one says: 'Can anyone else smell burning?'

  8. Insisting you're on 'European time' because it's midnight and the starter's only just gone out.

  9. When you ask if anyone knows how to cook a shoulder of lamb, and the relief when someone says that they do (p.s. when did 'cheese-on-toast' Bill get to know about these things?).

  10. Wanting to appear effortless in every single possible way but actually crying inside at how exhausted you are.

  11. Serving up the main course, prefacing it with: 'I'm sorry'.

  12. Pretending to be part of the conversation but actually focusing on people's facial expressions as they eat, trying to work out what they're really thinking.

  13. Feeling tearful when someone compliments your cooking because it's the nicest thing you've EVER HEARD.

  14. Kissing and hugging people who ask for seconds – even if they're married.

  15. Staring at the tower of washing up to do afterwards and surmising it'd be far easier to leave it and move house.

  16. Collapsing on your bed after everyone's left, vowing never to host anything again. EVER.

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