Whatever anniversary it's supposed to celebrate, your school reunion sneaks up on you like a little gremlin alarm clock, bites you in the arse and shouts: 'So what have YOU been doing that's vaguely interesting/productive recently then?!'
Where that little bastard came from, you have no idea as it certainly doesn't seem that long since you were caught by Mr Cox shagging in the library after the graduation dance and told to 'get your knickers on and get out'.
For the next few months you will be umm-ing and aah-ing about whether or not to attend. You will judge every aspect of your life as a cynical onlooker might and gradually form well written scripts to use on the night, justifying every downfall and embellishing every achievement.
A few weeks previous, you cut down on booze and go to the gym every day. Or, if you went to an all girls boarding school, just starve yourself, like the good old days. But when the event itself is just round the corner, anticipation creates endless questions that rob you of sleep: Who is going to show up? Did anyone die? Did anyone marry George Clooney? Does anyone actually watch the news?
Having experienced all this earlier this year, I thought I'd provide you with five common 'types' that you might find loitering near the pineapple and cheese sticks, the likes of which, if I ever see at another party, I will leave immediately. Because this flashback thing is not a movement I wish to support.
The Most Successful
Within ten minutes of being there you will be told who is the most successful person in your school year. And also the most scandalous. The latter will not be there as she will be prostituting herself to Sheikhs whilst tending to her pet monkeys somewhere in the Emirates, but the most successful will make damn sure she/he makes an entrance. It's best just to ignore him/her as it will only make you feel shit by comparison. If they try and talk to you just slowly side-step, otherwise frozen, into a different conversation circle where you can resume animation. Ain't nobody got time for that!
The One That Lost All The Weight
She used to eat everyone else's school pudding even if you warned her it tasted of feet. If you had a mud sandwich, she would probably still ask for a bite. But over the years, she's has been to bootcamp and is wearing a midriff-baring top and hotpants in September to make sure everyone knows about it. Definitely comment on the weight loss, as she's worked really hard for it and you don't want her to think you've forgotten what she used to look like. Don't fight a losing battle with snide digs. You will only look a jealous fool, and force everyone into comparisons of Present Day You and Captain Of The Lacrosse/Netball/Hockey Team You. That unused gym membership still burning a hole in your pocket?
Your High School Sweetheart
This is when you crack out all the well rehearsed lines you wrote. But don't sound too rehearsed and don't refer to cue cards. Most importantly do not end up having a few too many glasses of wine and singing "The First Cut is The Deepest" to him whilst trying to sexily feed him jammy dodgers. His onlooking grey-tinged misery of a wife looks like she might be keeping him on a gluten-free diet, so it wouldn't be fair. Oh, and don't offer him Class A drugs. For the same reason.
Best Friend Aged 13 - 15
You guys were exceptionally tight, probably even tried out kissing on each other before graduating to boys. But then you had that huge argument which ended in one of you being socially outcast for at least a year, playing pogs at lunchtime with the year below. You've never quite put it behind you, but now she has a baby so it's time to bury the hatchet; you can't very well be having feuds with people who have tangibly contributed to the human race. Make an effort and take an interest in her baby photos, because you'll feel like a weight has been lifted and, if things go really well and you ply her with enough booze, she might even let you kiss her again. Mothers don't get out much after all.
The Teacher You Were Obsessed With
Something saddens you when you see this guy is still a teacher all this time later. You had big faith in his band for whom he was lead guitarist at weekends and after school. You were convinced those dexterous fingers were destined for fame (amongst other unfulfilled things which remain in your wank bank to this day). You'll be surprised when you are still tongue tied when speaking to him but this is your chance to show him how you are now ALL woman! He clearly knew you fancied him at the time and probably realises you still do - tentatively enquire about his marital status to scope him out. The teacher box is a hell of a satisfying one to tick and makes the whole reunion affair worthwhile.
A final word of advice. Maintain your composure. Everything you ever wished for yourself will be completely lost if you decide to import courage from Holland.
And remember: it's not about the past, it's about the future.... but lying is totally fine if you cover your tracks well enough.
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How To Become BFFs With The Girl You're So Jealous Of You Can't Deal
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.