A depressing, but also bullshit, survey powered by Lucozade Energy (yep) has confirmed that when you're 24, you're officially an adult. Despite the fact you're likely to not own a house, still be on an entry level wage and you might even be interning - so thanks guys, for adding to the shitpile of guilt complexes we already have. When I was 24 I was a waitress, nobody wanted me to write for them and I lived on a kitchen floor; being told I'm officially an adult would probably have resulted in me collapsing in a pool of failure on the floor.
Helpfully, the survey has come up with a handy checklist to see if you match up to the adulthood Lucozade Energy deem appropriate, or whether you fall miserably short and will never amount to anything etc. We take the highlights of this checklist, and add our own, way truer, ways to tell you're a 24 year-old adult.
They say: You no longer live at home
We say: You no longer want to live at home.
Around 1 in 4 people aged 22-30 have been forced to move back in with their parents - this doesn't make you immature, it makes you the victim of a gross housing crisis and a shitstick economy. You can tell you're an adult, not when you've moved out, but when you really WANT to move out. Whether you can or can't doesn't come into it because, for a lot of people, it's not financially an option.
They say: You have a mortgage
We say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
They say: You enjoy quiet nights in
We say: You spend quiet nights in but get intense FOMO (sorry for the gross acronym but there's no quicker way of saying it)
This leads to you posting 200 tweets, rummaging through your photo roll to see what you can acceptably get away with instagramming and, at 9.30pm, you crack and start Facebook messaging everyone you know to arrange a last minute drink or join on their social coat tails. Obviously it's not a success, and you end up going to bed feeling a bit sad.
They say: You're in a long term relationship
We say: You're not arsed if you're not in a long term relationship
What is this, the 1950s? Just because you've not been going out with someone for ten years doesn't mean you're not an adult. Nowadays, er, people break up if they don't suit each other.
They say: You watch the news
We say: You watch the news only so you have fun shit to do on social media
Let's be honest, you watch PMQs for the #PMQ just like X Factor is shit if you can't tweet about it. The news is informative and interesting, of course, but we're all secretly waiting for someone to fuck up so we can rewind it and make a hilarious vine or instagram one of the politicians with their eyes closed looking orgasmic.
They say: You like cooking
We say: You're interested in cooking, when you have the time
We've got way too much to do, and we're working way too hard to create some sort of culinary delight every single night. Sure, weekends are a time for roasts and experimentation, but try whipping up a souffle when you finally get in, exhausted from a ten hour working day. You want food now. In your mouth. Which is where the emergency ready meals come into play - and don't let anyone foodshame you for it.
They say: You enjoy sightseeing on holiday
We say: You can go on holiday
Everyone likes looking at the sights on their hols (The Empire State building! The Louvre! That weird tower building in Barcelona designed by Gaudi!), it doesn't make you an adult. What makes you an adult is the fact you've booked and organised your own holiday without calling your parents crying. Oh, OK, even if you have called your parents crying.
They say: You choose flats over high heels on a night out
We say: You've bought your own shoes and they're not from a charity shop
Whether you prefer flats or heels doesn't determine how grown up you are - my mum rocks a stiletto like nobody's business and she's in her fifties. If you've managed to go to a proper, relatively nice shoe shop and buy yourself some shoes then you can rest assured you're a fully fledged grownup. Well done you!
They say: You hold dinner parties
We say: You attempt to hold dinner parties/or go to dinner parties
Your rented place might not cater for a dinner party, but if your mates do then you can count yourself an adult. Although, be warned, the dinner parties aren't the sort that Lucozade Energy are talking about. These dinner parties start off in a sort of faux ironic 'Ooh we're having a dinner party aren't we grown up should we use place names no that's too far' and then, by 11pm, dissolve into rowdy slurry singing and a decision to go round the corner to the local shit club even though it's a Tuesday and everyone has to be up at 7am the next day and you've all missed the last train. Will end up with about four people passed out in the living room waking up in horror and stumbling to work in the same clothes they were wearing yesterday.
They say: You have a full-time job
We say: You're earning regular money and can pay your rent
Oh come on, these days a full-time job isn't the only answer. A hefty portion of my mates do shiftwork, freelance work and have creative projects on the side. This isn't something they're forced to do, it's a choice on their part. The goal is to be able to make rent each month with a bit left over, regardless of the sort of jobs you do. Like I say, when I was 24 I was waitressing five times a week - sometimes doing 15 hour shifts with no breaks - and writing for free because nobody would pay me for my words. I made rent, though, and nobody can take that away from me. Not even you, Lucozade Energy.
They say: You have written a will
We say: You have come to terms with your own mortality
Suddenly you've started looking in the mirror and noticing that your face is slightly changing. You're aware that your metabolism might start slowing down soon. You might get the odd grey hair. However, writing a will? Oh yeah, we've all got loads of time to do that aged 24. Sure.
They say: You go to a pub over a club so you can talk
We say: You go to a pub before a club so you can talk and then dance, and it's Monday night
School nights don't stop being a thing when you're an adult, and neither does ignoring the fact that they should mean early nights. Being a grownup now means that, rather than saying no to going 'out out' (because we're adults, not pensioners), you'll all agree to meet at the pub and then at some point there'll be a silent but deadly decision made to pile into a nearby club because hahaha we like wine woooo. Forget all this BS about getting worse hangovers as you get older - when we were students, we could stay in bed until 2pm. Our hangovers suck because not only do we have to be up at 7am, we have to be cogent and appear professional and not smell of jagerbomb.
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.