Sun’s Out, Guns Out. How Not To Be A Spring Dick Now Winter’s Finally, Almost Done

Calm down chaps. Coats are still a thing.


by Jess Commons |

You GUYS, the sun is out, we’re set for the hottest few days of the year so far and THE WEEKEND is coming up faster than your sketchy mate Ian on a Saturday night out in Alibi. Talk about counting your blessings; winter is well and truly finally over.

But before you go searching for your sandals and sunglasses though, hold your fire. It’s important that you remember that yes, it is sunny, but we’re still a long old way from being in full-on summer territory. So sit back, calm yourself down and make sure you follow these simple rules for not being a spring dick.

Don’t buy all of the clothes

While it would be nice if the turn of the season came with a big old bumph to the bank balance to buy all those darling new pastel coloured clothes in the window of Topshop, the reality is that you’ve got exactly the same meagre amount of money this month as last month. Trust us on this; your wintry black clothes will really truly work just fine for the next few months and, if you look really hard, there’s probably a whole bunch of clothes that you bought this time last year that will do just fine too. Sorry to bring you down but come the end of the month when you're still eating actual real food and not suriving off ketchup packets stolen from McDonalds you'll thank us.

Don’t wear no clothes

Most of you have at least spent the better part of the last twenty years living in this country, experiencing it’s seasonal highs and lows and know that in your heart of hearts, it’s never advisable to leave the house without a pack-a-mac in your bag due to the constant and foreboding threat of what we’ve come to term ‘inclement weather’. Knowing this, you also know that leaving the house in anything that exposes and more skin that your neck/hands/face in March is just madness. We know it, everyone that walks past you will know it and, we suspect that deep down you’ll feel like a bit of wally for not wearing tights. Button up.

Keep the outdoor pursuits to a minimum

Just because it’s sunny doesn’t mean you have to picnic. And you certainly don’t have to BBQ. There’s no rule that says when the temperature climbs into double digits, the middle classes need exit their houses en masse and head to the nearest park via Whole Foods to pick up houmous and wanky crisps. There’s going to be plenty more warmer weekends coming up, there’s no need for you to spend your Saturday shivering in the park for the sake of it when you’d much rather be on the couch watching Netflix. The heating's still on FFS. See also; sitting in beer gardens. Feel free to grab a table inside.

Don't drink all of the drinks

For whatever reason - probably because we’re British and unable to communicate without the comforting lubrication of a few drinks, drinking heavily and sunshine come hand in hand. Remember though, it was but a week ago that you were supping hot chocolate from a mug huddling next to the radiator for warmth. The time for guzzling pints of cider in the hot sunshine is still a long way off. You can have ONE white wine spritzer in the beer garden young lady. ONE. Before you head back inside to finish the rest of House of Cards.

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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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