It usually begins at some point in September. You’re hungover, or asleep, and your Mum leaves you a lengthy voicemail about TK Maxx homeware discoveries and resolved car issues, ending with a breathy, slightly too casual ‘And, erm, have you had any thoughts about Christmas? Will you be coming to us? Do let us know!’
Your partner’s Mum pulls the same trick a couple of weeks later. Then your sister says there’s no way she’s travelling over Christmas with kids, and if you want to see your adorable nieces and nephews on the big day, you have to come to her. In Scotland. Or your new love tentatively asks you how you’d feel about a romantic, couple-y Christmas. Or you break up with someone, and can’t contemplate spending the 25th in a cheery, family setting when all you want to do is avoid all human contact and wear a tin of unwrapped Celebrations on your face like a dental mask. Is there any way to keep everyone happy in the holidays, and stay sane?
The short answer is no. Family therapist Katherine Robertson says ‘Christmas can cause conflict for many of us because we’re dealing with so much pressure from the people who love us. It doesn’t help that we think of it as the most magical time of the year. Every single one of us is under pressure to make things “perfect” - and that definition changes from person to person - but we picture it looking a particular way, and it will inevitably fall short of our expectations. Parents in particular picture their kids’ faces around the tree and struggle to let go of that image, even if their kids are in their twenties or thirties.’
Katherine adds ‘Some of my most stressed out clients are the adult children of divorce who simply don’t know how to please both parents and end up fraught, distressed and travelling great distances over the period. They dread Christmas because they’re made to feel like they’re letting everyone down.’ It’s all too easy to say yes to every family invitation and spend most of the season stuck on a rail replacement bus, or getting trapped in traffic, missing dinner and eating turkey Ginsters pasties at Fleet Services through a veil of tears.'
'I Skyped in for the family Christmas dinner. It's a brilliant lazy person's solution'
Katherine says that it’s vital to be firm, realistic and manage everyone’s expectations. ‘You can’t do it all, and it’s not fair for anyone to put pressure on you or manipulate you, no matter what time of the year it is. Make your plans as simple as possible, and practise announcing them clearly and calmly. No-one likes to feel as though they’re letting someone down, but I promise that even the pushiest of Mums will get over it once they’ve got time to get used to the idea.’
It is possible to compromise in a way that doesn’t send you completely insane. My friend Jenny’s parents are separated, and her boyfriend’s are too - which means there are four sets of families to worry about at Christmas. She explains ‘My Dad’s birthday is mid December, so we go up there then, take him out for dinner and make a big festive fuss of him. We spend Christmas and New Year with my Mum and then my boyfriend’s Mum. This year we’ve bought my boyfriend’s Dad tickets for a play he wants to see as a Christmas gift, and we’ve invited him to come and stay with us in London in January so we can all watch it together. I keep saying things like “I’m so lucky, I feel like we get four Christmasses!” and “This means we all get to spend quality time together, instead of rushing around!” I think they’re buying it, and my boyfriend and I feel so much calmer and happier now that we’ve accepted it’s impossible to see four families in four days.’
Beth, 29 adds ‘I was working abroad two years ago so I Skyped in for the family Christmas dinner. It’s a brilliant lazy person’s solution. I go home to my Mum and Dad’s, and then set up Skype dates with aunties, sisters, mates, grandparents - I dress up, get a glass of champagne and park myself near the Christmas tree so the whole thing feels like a proper festive occasion.’
But what do you do when your partner is pressuring you to spend the season with their fam, and you’d much rather go home to your Mum and Dad? Katherine says ‘We all moan about in laws, but actually, a Christmas in a new house can be liberating, because your expectations are low, or non existent - and they will treat you like a guest and not a teenager, which can be quite relaxing. Take the day as it comes, smile, offer to help in the kitchen and don’t feel like you have to take part in every single game, tradition or walk - as long as you join in with a couple to show willing.’
Grace, 28 says ‘I love my in laws but sometimes three days at home with them can feel a little bit claustrophobic, so I always bring my trainers and go for a short run in the morning before anyone else gets up. I’m not a big fan of exercise, but spending time by myself in the fresh air makes me feel calmer, kills any traces of hangover from the night before and releases any tension that builds up when my father in law is brandishing his 1982 edition of Trivial Pursuit.’
Ultimately, Christmas is just a day - hopefully it will be a lovely one, but it’s only 24 hours long, and you don’t have time to be everything to everyone in your life and take good emotional care of yourself at the same time. If you expect too much from yourself, or let your family and your partner expect too much from you, you’re going to feel completely burned out by Boxing Day. Accept that it’s not your job to make sure everyone else has the time they think they’re entitled to. And if it all gets too much, you can always set up a savings account and start putting cash towards a plane ticket to the Caribbean for Christmas 2016.