Years ago, I went on a disastrous first date with a guy I will call Mike. Halfway through (after he turned up half an hour late, hit on the waitress in front of me and told me I needed to get my roots done) we bumped into a girl who was clearly an ex. I’ll never forget the look she gave him - a bloodbath of hurt and contempt. I knew instantly that he was a wrong ‘un, but I ignored my gut instinct and big surprise - he fucked me over.
So now I have a hard and fast rule. Is your partner on good terms with their exes? If yes, they’re probably a keeper. And if they have bad blood with all of their exes - well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but there’s almost certainly something causing all that animosity and hurt. And it’s probably them. Now I realise that most people fall somewhere in between these two categories - but the people who can never maintain friendships with any of their exes? I call them Repeat Relationship Offenders (RRO), and when you start dating a RRO, you should know it’s never going to end well.
Let me clarify. I’m not saying we should expect people to be active friends with their exes. If they are (and you’re satisfied there’s no lingering romantic attraction), then great. But for most people, staying friends with their exes is an incredibly difficult thing to do. When you’ve loved someone and it hasn’t worked out, it’s often too painful to have him or her in your life.
So when I say 'friendship,' I mean to say that that person is on good terms with their exes - even if they're not great mates, they're cordial and want the best for each other. They’ll post a 'Happy Birthday' message on their Facebook wall. If they see each other at a party they’ll say hi and chat for a bit. They won’t blank each other in the street. That sort of thing.
It’s my theory that people who are on good terms with their exes are the sort of people you want to date. They won’t hurt you so badly that you have to cross the road to avoid them. Your friends won’t have to cast shade their way when they run into them in clubs. My Turkish grandmother won’t hock up flecky globules of spit every time she speaks about them, as if only spit, not language, can communicate the extent of their depravity and her disgust at how they treated you.
To find out if my theory has any basis in reality, I spoke to Emma Kenny, psychologist and relationship expert. Should we only date people who stay friendly with their exes? 'I think it’s a great sign when someone’s friends with their exes. Don’t get me wrong - I’m not saying they should be like Simon Cowell who seems to spend all his time with his exes! To stay friends with an ex after a relationship ends is a really mature, loving attitude, because it shows there were parts of your relationship that worked and you acknowledge that.'
In Emma’s view, these people tend to make better partners overall. 'The great thing about people who manage to maintain civility - even friendship - with their exes, is that it shows they’ll accept their shame of blame for why the relationship didn’t work out. This makes them better partners in general, because it shows they don’t hold onto bitterness or resentment.'
And what about the Mikes of this world - men or women universally hated by all of their exes? If you lined up all Mike’s exes in a room, I’m certain all would tell you similar stories of cheating and bad behaviour. Should we always avoid these people? Should they be placed on a special register - The Repeat Relationship Offender Register- to warn future partners against the perils of dating them?
Emma urges caution around these people, because human beings are predictable. 'For the majority of us, all we do is carry out the same negative patterns in relationships, and get the same negative cause.'
If someone consistently ends relationships in a destructive way, that’s a good predictor of future behaviour. 'Unless you’re really young - in which case you probably don’t have full maturity and know how to end relationships respectfully, yes I’d say that’s worrying. Chances are there’s a default in that human being which shows that they don’t know how to extricate themselves from a relationship positively. This suggests that individual might play out the same end result in all their relationships, and the consequence of this is that they all end badly.'
I asked Emma whether it’s the case that if someone has always acted badly in their previous relationships, you should expect they’ll do the same to you. For example, if they’ve always cheated in the past, should you be wary?
‘I hate to say it, but I think if you have a serial cheater, you are at a higher risk of being a victim of that kind of behaviour. Because it’s in that person’s nature to look for immediacy and gratification, which means where sexual opportunity occurs, they’re less well placed to turn it down. On the other hand, when you have an ex who’s had good breakups, and nobody hates him, you can think to yourself, that person’s behaved well, and that’s a positive.'
This is sage advice, but as anyone who’s ever attempted to counsel a friend who then subsequently ignored all your recommendations will know - when it comes to affairs of the heart, rationality goes out of the window. And whilst it’s good to have your guard up, it’s also important not to become bitter and cynical - if someone’s behaved badly in the past in previous relationships, but they’ve been upfront about it and you sincerely believe they’ve changed, then be open to the idea of dating them. Just don’t beat yourself up if it goes wrong, and they do turn out to be a RRO.
'It’s so easy for me to say "you should have seen it coming." And if you psychologically explore the relationship in the context of the breakup, maybe you’ll see the patterns emerging prior. But you’ve got to realise when you’re in a relationship they’ll be telling a different story. And it’s usually that the ex-girlfriends were mad, they were crazy, and they’re the harmed party, and it was the other person’s fault.'
Whilst we should all exercise caution around RROs, Emma acknowledges this may be unrealistic. 'It’s very hard when you’re in love with someone to be conscious of the issues that might go wrong. That’s the problem with relationships. If we were able to have some sort of psychological profile on all our partners prior to a relationship, now that would be helpful!'
NHS-sponsored psychological profiles on all the people you date, before you date them? Now, I could definitely get on board with that. But until that day - beware of Repeat Relationship Offenders.
**Like this? Then you may also be interested in: **
How To Stay Friends With Your Ex Without Looking Like A Desperate Loser
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.