Grazia’s Lucy Vine has a crush, and it’s all getting a bit embarrassing really...
Dear Serena,
I hope this isn’t awkward because as you’re probably aware (/have never thought or cared about), we don’t know each other. And I’ll be honest with you, I don’t have any interest in tennis, I never have. I like Pimm’s? If that helps at all? I really do! Although it would be so much better if they stopped putting cucumber in it because eugh.
Anyway, I wish I wasn’t always getting sidetracked by cucumber, because my point is important; Serena, I love you.
It’s not the fact that, a few days ago, you chased down a thief in a restaurant after he stole your phone. That is unbelievable levels of awesome (and dangerous – my mum wants me to point out that it was also dangerous and if I ever do that she will make me move home). No, even though that was super brilliant – and the grainy video footage of it shows you calm as anything as you chased that potentially murderous criminal down – what I really love, is the 398-word description you wrote on Instagram (a website for pictures) about the incident.
You describe how you were out to dinner with your friend, ‘enjoying some Chinese food (delicious may I add).’ (I’m also in love with your hilarious side notes, Serena). And how your ‘SUPERHERO sense’ told you to keep an eye on the strange man standing by your table. I don’t want to argue with this point because clearly you were quite right to be suspicious, but I don’t really think we’ve got to superhero levels yet. If there’s a strange man standing next to our table for a sustained period, I don’t think many of us would feel that was normal. Depends on how low cut my top was that night, I guess?
So after asking yourself important questions such as, ‘Is he a customer?’ and ‘Is he waiting on the bathroom?’ you realise, ‘low and behold this common petty thief grabbed my phone and swiftly left.’ It’s lo, but that’s fine.
And this is where things get truly SUPERHERO. Nobody freak out, but this is better than that last episode of Doctor Foster:
‘I shouted "Omg that dude took my phone!!" Not thinking I reacted, I jumped up, weaved my way in and out of the cozy restaurant (leaping over a chair or two) and chased him down. He began to run but I was too fast. (Those sprints came in handy) I was upon him in a flash!’
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x a million.
So, you catch up with him, Serena, and what do you do? Do you bash him in the face and steal your phone right back? No, gurl, you’re better than that – you humiliate him.
‘In the most menacing yet calm no nonsense voice I could muster I kindly asked him if he "accidentally" took the wrong phone. He stumbled on his words probably not expecting this to happen. While he was thinking of the right thing to say and eventually he said "Gosh you know what I did! It was so confusing in there. I must have grabbed the wrong phone." Meanwhile my phone was ringing, my superhero sidekick quailman was face timing me so he could not possibly deny the allegations. I swiftly thanked him and left.’
YOU HAVE A SUPERHERO SIDEKICK CALLED QUAILMAN.
Fact fans: I just Googled it and Quailman is from the Nickelodeon cartoon Doug, and is one of his superhero alter egos.
And here’s my favourite part:
‘Superhero? Maybe? Or HELL YEA!! I've got the speed the jumps, the power, the body, the seduction, the sex appeal, the strength, the leadership and yet the calm to weather the storm. Always listen to your superhero inner voice. Always keep your things close! Fight for what's right. Stand for what you believe in! Be a superhero! When I got back into the restaurant I received a standing ovation. I was proud. I just showed every man in there I can stand up to bullies and other men. It was a win for the ladies!’
YES! Because this is a really serious point. Women are so prone to self-deprecation. We’re so used to putting ourselves down, before anyone else can do it for us. Even when someone offers a compliment, we’re all too ready with the, ‘Oh this? It was only 6p from Primark and it’s ten years old and my hair is greasy and I hate myself.’ Men are good at talking themselves up. Studies have shown over and over again that men overstate their own intelligence, and women underestimate it. And it doesn’t work for us.
This is why I love you, Serena Williams. You are one of the few female A-listers out there willing to say ‘I’m amazing’ and not care if people disagree or think you’re arrogant. Because you are amazing! And so am I! And so are all the other women I know. So let’s all stand up and say, in 398 words or less, that we’re superheroes and we don’t care who knows it. And also, that no-one really likes cucumbers and let’s stop putting them in things.