You know when you're rendered speechless by a cream that aims to shrink your vagina to those halcyon days when it had never seen a penis? Because all men love a virgin and all women who aren't virgins have bucket vaginas? That's the morning we've had. 18 Again is on the market, and claims to tighten your vagina so that when a man (who has the perfect penis, of course, because it's not their wang that needs expanding, but your vagina) gets jiggy with it, it'll feel like the first time.
'Feel tight and wanted again!' says the tube because, apart from the fact that a few of us weren't virgins at 18 (I wasn't), remember how great your first time was? Oh. Well, sadly, it was when you were at Peak Faff so if you want a man to go near you again, you'd better get on it.
'Be confident while having sex. 18 Again vaginal shrink cream will strengthen your vaginal muscle walls, giving them more tone and vigour and allowing for a greater and more fulfilling sexual experience for both you and your partner,' the website says. The cream contains Alum, which is a 'strong astringent that tightens the vaginal walls' and, we don't know about you, but there's nothing like putting a strong astringent up your fanny to make for a sexy evening. Ooer indeed.
The problem with the sheer amount of vag-shrinking lotions on the market at the moment, is the fact that they're available to be bought online, they don't need to be approved by any official medical bodies. So who knows what you're squirting inside yourself (sorry). 'In the UK, there is a very robust process for creams and lotions to be listed as medicines. Furthermore, the sale of these medicines is regulated and only available via prescription or through a pharmacy. These products that claim to tighten and rejuvenate the vagina should be put through the same quality assurance process to prove that they work,' a spokesperson from the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG) told *The Debrief. *Because they're not approved, there are a number of potential side effects. 'Health concerns over the dangers of such intimate products include infection and an allergic reaction to chemicals in the cream. If you have experienced side effects from these creams, stop immediately and consult your GP.'
This is national expert code for: don't use these products, you wally. Your vagina is fine. Do you want an allergic reaction from a product that British medical experts don't recognise? No. Of course you don't. Now do some kegels, if you're that bothered.
18 Again is not to be confused with fellow vaginal tightening cream also called 18 Again, which hails from India and 'helps in the rejuvenation of the vagina by tightening it in a natural way'. According to the Royal College of Gynaecologists, they've been peddling that cream for years and it's just as effective as this new one. The second 18 Again does, at least, provide a highly scientific way to tell if you've got a bucket vag though: 'Check by placing a finger in your vagina and squeezing inner muscles around it. If you do not feel enough tightening pressure or very less pressure around your finger, you have loose vagina.' Well at least it isn't vague or anything.
The one saving grace about this all-new 18 Again is, as ever, the excellent Amazon reviews. 'I used this cream and nothing is like I'm 18 again. My hair is just as grey as it has been for years now. False advertising!' says one customer. Another agrees: 'Total false advertising. I ate the whole tube, looked at my licence, and it still says I'm 34! Do not buy!' while a third falls foul of the dreaded autocorrect: 'no enough clear instruction and if you go to original web site not the same product. but the price was cook'. Unless that's some natty slang we're not yet down with.
Finally, spare a thought for the man caught in the vagina-shrinking crossfire: 'Be warned. Your penis will also shrink upon contact with this cream. No matter how tight she is it will still be "a hotdog in a hallway".' Poor dude.
But that's about all that's cheery about this spate of vagina tightening creams. If you want to really depress yourself, then check out the whole gamut of them on the market at the moment, with increasingly upsetting names. Like A Virgin. Tight Cherry. Hold Me Tight. Liquid Virgin. To be honest, 18 Again still probably takes the (shrinking) biscuit for perviness.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.