The last time my friend Dave broke up with his boyfriend I waited two months to tell him what I really thought. I had, at this point, seen them break up and get back together what felt like hundreds of times. When it seemed like this really was It, I unleashed: ‘Thank fucking God. Jeremy was only ever horrible to you. You deserve so much better.’ Dave was pissed.
Not that I thought his boyfriend had been terrible, but that he agreed: ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this while we were together!’ He’s not wrong. It was stupid of me to watch him break up and get back together with a man who treated him terribly, and stupider to listen to him go through it all the second, third, and fourth time.
Jeremy was and is a terrible human who did not deserve my friend, and I should have told my friend earlier. If you are reading along, nodding your head and thinking to yourself this is exactly like Jemma’s girlfriend/Briony’s boyfriend/Hannah’s goddamn fiance, let’s talk this out. Here are the DOs and DON’Ts of telling a friend you maybe hate their significant other.
Don’t: Jump The Gun
So they made a bad first impression. Hold your horses. Just because you didn’t hit it off right away doesn’t mean it’s time to call your friend for an emergency summit. Likewise, if your friend is recounting a story to you where the person they’re dating comes off like a real jerk, put that first story in the bank and wait for a second. Sometimes a friend just needs to vent and the disagreement between her and her partner blows over and isn’t a big deal.
Straight up telling someone you don’t like the person they’re with isn’t something to do lightly, so you need to make sure you’re busting it out only when you really mean it and think your friend’s life would directly benefit from breaking up with a bad dude or lady.
Note: if the issue is physical or verbal abuse, do not worry about jumping the gun. Do some research and try to help get your friend out of that situation as soon as possible. If you’re just dealing with run-of-the-mill ‘this guy is a tool and you, my friend, are a queen who deserves more,’ give said tool a few chances to prove themselves.
Do: Test The Waters
So you’ve waited a few weeks to see where this is going, but they’re still dating and their partner is still terrible. Time to plant some seeds. ‘You can do better’ might be a nice sentiment, but it’s hard to deliver without hurting feelings and causing rifts; you need to approach this tactfully. Chances are you and your mate talk about relationships anyway, so you won’t have to wait long for an opening to get a sense of how they feel about their partner.
If they’re debriefing a fight, ask if this kind of thing is par for the course. Are they always like this? Is this similar to other bad moves they’ve pulled in the past? Less important than the actual conflict is how your friend’s SO handled the conflict: did it take days to repair? Did they sulk or give the silent treatment? Were they open to hearing your friend’s feelings and talking about their own?
If you want to lead into it, a casual ‘How are things going with _____’ is a fine, if obvious option. When your friend inevitably asks for your opinion, start slow: ‘He seems shy’ can be a nice way to insinuate that this is truly the most boring person you have ever met; ‘She seemed a little off last week, is everything OK?’ substitutes nicely for ‘WHAT IS HER PROBLEM YOU ARE A GODDESS’.
Don’t: Forget To Consider Your Motives
Do you really hate this person or are you having a bit of friend-on-boyfriend jealousy? Are they actually a bad partner or just not who you, personally would date? Do they mostly smell a bit and you just want to get them some deodorant? There’s a difference between ‘I find this person slightly annoying’ and ‘You need to break up with this goon right away.’
As much as you may be conjoined at the hip, you are not your friend. If this person makes your friend happy and isn’t an asshole at their core, it’s probably OK for your friend to date them, even if they are a total loud chewer. The right person for your friend might not be the right person for you, or even a person you want to be friends with.
If they’re rubbing you the wrong way, get introspective first before saying anything. It could be that they’re setting something off that’s a You Thing. That being said, intuition is real. If someone’s giving you a bad vibe, suss it out about bit, but if you’re still unsettled, say something.
Do: Speak Your Mind!
Ahhh. The tricky part. Now that you know you’re not saying this lightly but have good reason to believe your friend is wasting or worsening her life by dating this person, time to spill the proverbial beans. Try to get your friend while she’s sober – this isn’t the kind of thing you want to say to someone more than two chardonnays in – and tell her you want to talk to her about something. Then, voice your concerns as plainly as possible.
Tell her you aren’t sure you like her partner and worry that they’re not good enough for her. Leave room for her to disagree with you (she probably will) and tell her you know that you’re not inside the relationship, so are only reporting on what you see from the outside. Come prepared with evidence, citing times the offending partner has behaved in a way that revealed their truly unworthy nature, and remind your friend that you aren’t trying to force their hand, you just wanted to tell them, as a friend, that this is what you’ve observed.
Your friend might want some space and time to process what you’ve said. She might be really pissed off at you. She might agree completely and break up with the jerk tomorrow. Whatever happens, if you know you said what you felt you needed to say in a careful, honest way, you can rest assured that you were trying to be a good friend.
Don’t: Forget To Eventually Drink Those Two Chardonnays
Honesty is hard, y’all.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.