New dating site Chivalry Not Dead is, at first glance, gut-wrenchingly annoying. 'Men must write the initial message to the women they would like to date,' it says - or, rather, simpers while fainting off a horse (probably). 'Don’t worry ladies – you can indicate your interest in eligible men by sending a ‘handkerchief’ to show your favour and await the messages that will come your way.'
Peppered with black and white pictures of old-style movie people snogging, the site advises: 'Let the man plan the date. This is important! He should feel as though he is getting the chance to woo you' followed by 'Don’t talk too much about previous relationships or personal problems'.
People will be having a goddamn field day with this, for obvious reasons – chivalry is, these days, recognised as being belittling and patronising towards women. We are not fragile little things that need to be saved, and men aren't all brooding types who like to be in control. We don't need to wave hankies, we can go and talk to men like they can come and talk to us. Unfortunately, it's sort of still ingrained in some places – and websites like this aren't really helping – but let's get rid of semantics and focus on actual chivalry for a moment.
Do we want it to actually be dead? I don't think so. Not if being chivalrous means opening doors, helping people with lifting objects, saving them if they need to be saved. The only problem is that it's been historically gender specific – but let's be honest, most of the chivalric gestures could just be filed into the category of 'being a good human'. Yeah, a lot of guys will do it because you're a girl and yes it is symptomatic of a wider problem of inequality, but the best way to fight this sort of low-level, subconscious sexism is by accepting it as nice and then doing it straight back at whoever did it to you.
For example...
Opening doors for people
If a man holds a door open for you and you flip him the bird and mutter something about patriarchy then you're being a dick. Sorry. Would you hold the door open for a guy? Of course you would, because you're a human being who doesn't want a door to bang in a person's face. Always hold doors open for people, and then the weird archaic notion that someone holding a door open for another person is sexist will be eradicated. Sure, some guys hold doors open because you're a girl. Yes, that's annoying but it's also well-intentioned and a lot of them don't realise they're acting on a subconsciously ingrained sexist impulse. My boyfriend used to hold the door open and would never get into a car first so to counteract this well-meaning but slightly patronising affectation, I simply started doing it for him. It took about a month for him to subconsciously stop. See? Easy.
Helping to carry large objects
I have no arm strength, so this is always welcome. But if I'm with someone who has less arm strength than me (I have some very small friends) then I will carry boxes for them. My male friends have bigger arms than I do and will offer to carry bags if I am struggling. If they are struggling to do something, I will help them too. This isn't a bad thing, it's called 'helping humans carry large objects because sometimes people are better at carrying than you are'.
Calling girls 'm'lady' and 'sweetheart'
Just kidding, this is gross and needs to die. Most people who do this are older men who grew up thinking it was a nice thing to say and won't understand when you tell them it's patronising. A good way to deal with it is by responding with a smiley 'Thanks dollface'. Totally baffles them, but redresses the balance.
Being walked home
Girls get raped and attacked in dark alleys more than guys. If you're on a date and your date offers to walk you home, then that's nothing if not a kind way of making sure you get home safe. Occasionally a twinge of annoyance shoots through me when I'm with my male friends and I'm the only one who gets the 'text me when you're home' treatment but the annoyance is mainly directed at how shitty it is that girls get attacked more than guys. Of course, everyone gets hit by cars, mugged, or suffers from mysterious heart attacks, so technically we should all tell each other to get home safe.
Standing up when a lady enters the room
This is totally hilarious. A lot of my friends are public school boys, and they do it all the time. Yeah, it's stupid, but if you enter and then leave and then enter again it looks like whack-a-mole. Especially if you come back in with a giant inflatable hammer.
Getting the bill
Something that is a real talking point whenever it comes up. Some girls like it, some girls hate it, some girls DGAF but I know that even the most feminist men I know (I know a lot of mad ones, unfortunately) still say things like 'I can't really afford to date because I won't be able to buy her dinner' or 'God I can't wait until we're properly going out because this dating thing is killing my bank balance' but in less neat, magazine-style soundbites. It baffles me a bit. I like being bought drinks. I also really like buying people drinks. When my boyfriend is having a sad day, and I can afford it, I buy him dinner and he does the same with me. When we were dating, he used to insist on buying all the drinks but I'd counter it by suggesting a round system - it's surprising how relieved people are when you suggest this.
Like this? You might also be interested in...
Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.