So, big news, female viagra (brand name Lady Prelox) is now available to buy in the health food stores- but does it work? In the interests of investigative journalism, I took the recommended dosage every day for three weeks to find out whether I’d be a) disappointed by its placebo effects or b) climbing the walls in an attempt to shag the light fittings.
First things first, I was a little concerned about how this experiment was going to go - the whole point of viagra is to cause an erection. Would it make my nether regions (yes, nether regions) really solid? Would my boobs become penises? All serious questions and, thankfully, the answer to both is ‘no, it “naturally assists blood vessels to relax, with the increased vessel diameter allowing for better adaptation for higher oxygen and critical nutrient needs of active tissues such as reproductive organs and neurons alike.”’ Sounds terrifying.
On the other hand, though, it’s 100% natural and contains pine bark, which is nice. Nothing like eating a bit of tree to really get you going, eh?
Secondly, a word to the wise: don’t tell your boyfriend you’re about to start taking viagra. I thought he’d be over the moon but, instead, his eyes glazed over in fear. I could tell he was wondering whether he’d be up to the challenge, whether our relationship would end with me chasing him down a main road, nude, screaming: “I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T BE READY FOR THIS JELLY” (See: Destiny’s Child 2001). To be honest, so was I. Spoiler alert: this didn’t happen. I kept a diary, though, to record my thoughts and feelings and notable points of arousal.
Day one:
The tablets are massive. No, seriously, they’re the size of a large cashew nut. Once I’ve taken it, I spend the whole day walking around cautiously in case it suddenly hits and I wake up in jail after humping bags of sweetcorn in the frozen food aisle at Tesco. Or my boss. In the frozen food aisle at Tesco. Genuinely nothing happens. Take another again at night (as prescribed, I’m not mega-dosing) but boyfriend is away working, so fall asleep early.
Days two-four
Still nothing. On Day three I find it difficult to distinguish sexual arousal from really enjoying a cheese ploughman’s sandwich and think it’s kicking in - then realise this happens whenever I eat a cheese ploughman’s sandwich. On Day four I finally get my boyfriend around! Jeez, this viagra stuff isn’t made for 21st century multi-jobbed couples - imagine if it was like actual viagra! I’d have had an erection for FOUR DAYS before taking the train to sexual intercourse town! We watch two episode of Frozen Planet and fall asleep. We’re young, poor and overworked, and no amount of lady viagra can change that.
**Day five **
Have highly inappropriate dream about a guy who used to run my college bar when I was at uni. I think I spoke to him twice. He looks a bit like a cheese string but am too excited about the viagra working to worry about physical appearances. Wake up but can’t get down with my (non cheese string) boyf because we both have to go to work. Goddamn capitalism interfering with my sexperiment.
Day six
Am thinking yesterday was a fluke because the only notable thing that occurs today is I take my blue skirt out of the laundry and it’s a different shade of blue.
Day 10
Am insatiable. No idea whether this is another fluke, the viagra has actually started working, or it’s do with the fact I have a huge argument with my boyfriend, am drunk and decide to make up by having sex three times. Is it the viagra? No, it’s raw emotion, guys. And maybe a bit of the viagra because if I always resolved arguments by having sex three times, I’d have been fired from my day job ages ago.
Day 11
Is it possible that viagra can make hangovers worse? Google it, there’s no research to prove anything. Probably vommed the tablets up anyway. Fall asleep at seven pm before boyfriend gets in. On the plus side: he’s now a lot less threatened at the idea of me being on viagra.
Day 14
Feeling pretty good today, actually. Without wishing to go into too much detail, and to use a well-known euphemism, I pay myself a few visits to my own vicar. Catch my drift? Eh? OK, fine. I do the tango but there’s no partner so I’m just tangoing alone but still enjoying the experience. No? Alright, I knock a few out the park. I knock a few out. If you still don’t get it, show this to a friend and get them to tell you. Or tweet me.
Days 15-17
Decide to crack out some suspenders but boyfriend misses train and gets back at one am by which point I’m asleep. This is usual fare but the fact I thought about wearing suspenders is a good sign. We’ve been going out for for nearly three years and I’ve only done that once before. On Day 16 we watch Frozen Planet again and I get turned on by a glacier. Have never given glaciers serious thought before, so can’t 100% attribute this to the viagra (maybe I’ve found my fetish?), but it seems likely that this isn’t the usual response to slow-moving frozen rivers.
Day 17
I forget to actually record anything which either means I was so turned on I couldn’t pick up a pen or it was another really boring day.
Days 18 and 19
Two horrific days at work result in me forgetting to take the viagra because I’ve got better effing things to do with my time OK? Panic at the end of the second day and take four in one go then have trouble sleeping that night, terrified there’ll be too much blood flowing around my body. I’m not a doctor, but it feels like a legitimate concern at the time. I Dream about going to Hogwarts and am riding on a broom then wake up in the middle of the, erm, peak of my, erm, look I’m having trouble going into detail because what if a future employer googles me and sees that I’ve written about waking up mid-big O after riding a magic broomstick? Oh I’ve done it now. That’s that, then. Anyway - this was unusual, so I had to record it for the purposes of this review. Must be a benefit of the Prolox.
Day 20
My boyfriend and I watched a terrifying horror film that meant I had to sleep with the lights on. Have sex in a sort of pacifying way. Experience somewhat ruined by the fact I can’t stop wondering why it’s been nearly three weeks and I’m still not yet up for repeat performances until the sun comes up. Like all those songs. I’ve always wondered how people can go at it literally all night long, and really thought this viagra would shed a bit of (sex) light on the whole thing. Maybe it’s a myth? Maybe they go at it for a bit, have a sleep, wake up and go at it again, sleep then have it off in the morning? If so, that’s doable.
Day 21
Final day of viagra! Celebrate by torturing myself over whether it’s had an effect or not and came to the conclusion that I definitely thought more about sex (remember that time I had triple makeup sex?! And had the dream about the cheese string? Those were some great days) and I almost put a pair of suspenders on, which has to count for something. Sadly we don’t have any sex on my final night - I end up working late, so we just do some spooning and sleeping instead. I must say, it’s quite a relief to not have to constantly check out sexually aroused I am all the time.
In conclusion, it’s difficult to tell how effective Lady Prelox really is. Yeah, I had some good sextimes, some not-good-sextimes and some party-of-one sextimes but, for £37.95, I sort of wish the whole experience had been a bit more rampant. According to the packet, you’re supposed to be on it for eight weeks before your vagina starts to party, which automatically arouses suspicion (Arouses! Pun intended! Haha etc!) – like when shampoo bottles tell you to “repeat”. You know it’s because they want you to fork out more hard earned cash and, quite frankly, I’d rather spend my money on a great bra/boozy meal with my boyfriend than on tablets with bits of bark in them. Call me crazy guys, but I don’t think it’s going to revolutionise our sex lives –it didn’t for me, anyway. I was still sometimes too tired or too pensive or too busy thinking about foreign horror films. Let’s face it, girls essentially shag people with their minds, and no amount of tree bark is going to change that.
On the other hand, if you’ve got shitloads of disposable income and are sort of bored, by all means give Lady Prelox a whirl. For everyone else, probably don’t bother - you can get similar effects for less than a fiver by eating a Cheese Ploughman’s.
Follow Stevie on Twitter @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.