OH GRIMMY. According to some super duper reliable sources, Nick Grimshaw’s bosses over at Radio 1 were ‘livid’ about the fact that he called in sick on Monday after spending a weekend in Istanbul with superstar pals Daisy Lowe, Douglas Booth and Henry Holland.
According to Nick, he ‘lost his voice’, which, in all fairness is kind of an important thing for someone who’s job involves three hours of talking so IMHO it’s probably a pretty good thing that he didn't come in, otherwise what a boring morning it would have been for the listeners. Anyways, Scott Mills filled in so in the end everything worked out.
Anyways, a few mistakes that are very easy to make when it comes to attempting a sick day – whether you’re telling the truth or not. Here’s a few humble hints from us.
PS if anyone spies our editor Rebecca (aka my boss) reading this, then the tactic is DISTRACT DISCTRACT DISCTRACT. Thanks guys :)
Begin preperations the previous day
When it comes to planning a day off, you’re going to need Shawshank levels of military operation, beginning the day before. This means dropping three (no more) lines about ‘feeling a bit crappy’ at regular intervals over the afternoon. Leave an hour-and-a-half gap in between each one and don’t go overboard descrbing your symptoms, a quick, ‘Ergh I feel really rubbish,’ or, ‘My throat's killing me,’ is more than enough to do the trick. Also, if you’ve got plans that night that involve anything that involves alcohol, LIE and say you’re doing nothing but heading home for an early night.
Take a digital detox
Nick Grimshaw’s big mistake when it came to Monday’s escapades was Instagram. The poor lad could have been at death’s door come Monday morning and no-one would have believed him after the prolific online presence he had over the weekend. Between his and Pixie Geldof’s Insta account there wasn’t anyone who would have believed Nick’s loss of voice had arisen from natural causes. If you ARE going out the day before or the day of your planned sick day then make sure you’re out of the shot of any pictures, don’t do anything hilarious that’ll cause your friends to Tweet about it (it’ll be hard we’re sure) and certainly don’t make any Facebook posts unless they’re sharing what you’re watching on Netflix (Princess Bride, obvs).
Be careful about your deliverance
Ah, now onto the most crucial part – letting your boss know that you’re unable to come in today. I once met a girl on a ferry who told me she taught people how to lie for a living. Fair play, she might have been lying herself, but one thing she told me that I’ve always remembered is that the more detail you put into a lie, the less likely it is to be believed. So like, ‘Hey sorry I can’t come in today I’m really ill and I think I’ve got a chest infection and I’ll go to the doctor because there's a history in my family of chest infections becoming something much worse, also I’m very infectious,’ sounds way more like bollocks that, ‘Hey sorry but I’m not very well, I think I’ve got the flu, gonna have to give today a miss let me know if I can do anything.’
Alternatively, you could go down the gross out route like, ‘Hey sorry I was up all night being sick and now I’ve got a viscious bout of diarhhea that means I’m stuck on the toilet,’ because no-one who wasn’t actually that ill would sacrifice their dignity to that extent.
The next day
The final stage of Operation Day Of Sick. This is the stage that will tie up all loose ends and ensure you walk away from this incident with your head held high and your morals intact. When you do feel ‘well’ enough to return to your place of work, steer clear of fancy clothes and stick instead to jeans and a T-shirt like that was the only thing you could muster up the energy to pull on. Also, take a note out of EastEnders’ book: whenever one of their characters is sad or having a bad time they *never *wear make-up. It’s an excellent aesthetic sign that their character is not in a good place right now. Take heed and give the slap a miss.
Mission complete.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.