Erm, right. Taking one for the team today guys. Heading on holiday with a new boyfriend or girlfriend is always a bit scary in the bathroom department at first right? Obviously it shouldn't rationally matter at all that you're both human beings that poo but for some reason, no matter how far we've come in the 'baring it all' stakes, pooing is still a taboo.
By holiday number two with your boyfriend you'll be comfortable pooing with the door open while waxing lyrical about all the lovely touristing you're going to do that day, but holiday number one? It's basically a cat and mouse competition of who can hide the fact that they poo from the other for as long as possible.
Obviously, we're rooting for you, so we've done a quick whip round for semi-official tips and compiled a guide on how to be the stealthiest poo-er that ever lived.
The smelly soap hack
Borderline genius this one. If smells are your main worry then do your business, cover it up with loo roll, then squirt some soap over the top. When you flush the loo, the soap will froth up creating a delightful-smelling toilet deodorant. Also works with shower gel, shampoo and/or any scented cleaning products within reach.
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The musical distraction
This one totally depends on your boyfriend being the type that doesn't catch on quickly, but if that's the case then ask him if he’s heard this really great song/podcast you’ve been banging on about (do some preliminary work and drop it into conversation prior) then stick your headphones in his ear, wait twenty seconds and then casually stroll to the bathroom where you’ll have an average of three minutes to complete your business without him listening in. Unless he takes the headphones off of course, but you'll have to play Russian Roulette with that one.
Toilet paper mountain
An oldie but a goodie, layering the bowl up with toilet paper is an excellent way to stop the plop. Just make sure it’s not a temperamental toilet; some plumbing systems don’t take kindly to the attempt to flush a whole roll at a time.
Lean forward
Feeling a bit farty? Toilet bowls are unfortunate in the fact that their shape serves as your own personal fart amplifier taking your tiny bottom burp to full on arse growl. Try and do all your farting silently pre-sitting down to avoid this but if that's not possible then leaning forward puts your bum in a position where the wind is less likely to make that ‘brrrrp’ noise as it comes out.
Handryers are your friend
For reals. Obviously there isn’t always a handryer available but if there is, we can totally use it. If you’re in cubicles and there’s handryers on the outside, set one going before you head in (‘accidentally’ of course) and hope the sound lasts long enough for you to do your business. If you're in a disabled toilet type room with an automatic handryer, poo with a long implement in your hand that you can use to reach across the room to set it off when the time comes.
The lobby call
Requires a bit of pre-planning this one. Leave some unfinished business in the lobby like ‘forgetting’ to show them your passport or sign a form or something else seriously boring. Most hotels have loos in the lobby but because everyone’s got loos in their rooms the lobby loos are normally empty, meaning you've found your own personal pooing safe place.
The emergency atomizer
You know those mini perfume things you get in magazines and department stores? Collect and hoard those like a motherfucker. Carry one in your bag at all times for whiffy emergencies.
The tactical flush
Also known as the ‘courtesy flush’, this is the cleverly timed flush of the loo at the same time poo is set to hit water. Sure it means you’ll end up flushing twice (so check your toilet can do this beforehand) but because the sound’s covered up no-one can ever prove what you did. It’s the perfect crime.
Shower time
The oldest trick in the book. Plan your poos and your showers at the same time. The steam and shower gel smells will waft away even the most evil of bottom sins, plus the noise of gushing water will cover up any noise. If you get really desparate and you don't need a shower just turn it on anyways and pretend that's what you're doing, just make sure you dunk your hair under the sink before you head back out.
Own it
There’s a moment in every relationship when you both have to accept that each other poo. Whether it’s as non-eventful as a knowing nod or as dramatic as the time my friend got caught out by an unflushing toilet and was found by her boyfriend’s housemate running down the road to the bins in her knickers clutching a bag of poo in her hand (true story), everybody shits. And you know what, the more cagey you are about it, the more awkward it’s going to be. Own up and get on with your hols.
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Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.