Bingeing Netflix Vs Reading The Classics. How Lockdown Really Panned Out

I do not approve of memes: the dad jokes of the internet, founded on the principle a not-especially-funny thing becomes funnier with repetition, except: does it? Still, on the first anniversary of the first lockdown (23 March) I will indulge a currentish meme: the How it began Vs How it’s going concept, through the prism of which we can reflect on this bizarre episode…

How it started

OK, lockdown. Not a crisis, a challenge! A time for contemplation, a gentle bootcamp of the soul. And when it is over – two weeks, max? – I’ll emerge, the spiritual equivalent of a butterfly coming out of the chrysalis of restrictions, and everyone will admire how emotionally and intellectually refreshed I am!

How it’s going

Sure, hun. Sure you will.

How it started

Zoom’s rather fun! Shall we do a pub quiz?

How it’s going

Sorry. I totally tried to join your birthday virtual cocktails, but, SO weird, the link didn’t work? And my internet dropped out? And my cat ate my iPad and… I didn’t.

How it started

I’m baking banana bread and going vegan! Or: cutting out processed sugar! Or: both!

How it’s going

Sometimes, I only eat breakfast foods. Porridge for actual breakfast, bacon for lunch breakfast, eggs for supper breakfast. And who is to say Tony’s Chocolonely isn’t a balanced meal in itself? And sometimes I cry because I cannot take another day of my own food, which tastes the same, whatever it’s meant to be.

How it started

Oh no, what if I can’t go on my fancy ladies’ yoga holiday to Umbria, which I really really need or I shall never find My Equilibrium?

How it’s going

Goodie, it’s nearly time to get drunk in parks on G&T tinnies, eat crisps, pee in bushes, aka The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

How it started

I guess I could give a tracksuit a whirl?

How it’s going

Grey marl for Monday; Tuesday is ecru; graphite on Wednesday; Thursday is pink; tie-dye for fancy; hoodie up if it’s raining; oopsie, I seem to have developed permanent indentations on my lower calf where the elasticated legs have dug in.

How it started

I shall re-read[1] the classics.

How it’s going

Yes, Netflix! Play on!

How it started

I shall learn French.

How it’s going

I have learned face contouring.

How it started

I shall keep a daily gratitude diary.

How it’s going

23 March 2021: Dear Diary, f*ck off.

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